Unresponsive bridesmaid

While it was rude not to reply or tell you whether or not she's planning to go with you to the dress appointment, I'm getting the sense that things like your attempts to coordinate everyone to meet at the same time, distributing questionnaires (in order to plan what events?), and all the updates may be coming across to this person as pressure. You can invite people to try on dresses etc. and they can tell you if they are available on the dates you have in mind, but keep in mind their only obligation is to purchase the dress they will be wearing at their convenience and show up on your wedding day. Anything else your bridal party wants to do or plan should be coming from them.

I don't know if this person is at the point of wanting to step down since she's actively involved in the bachelorette thread, but it's also possible she's just busy with things going on at work or in her own life. If she hasn't given you any indication she's dropping out, I wouldn't assume. I would try to tone things down a bit if you think this could be what's going on.

Reach out to her privately and not with any wedding conversations to check on her and her well being. She may have something going on that she may not feel comfortable talking about and that makes her withdraw from a group chat setting. Some people are not comfortable in group chats when they don’t know everyone who is participating.

Based only on what you're saying, I'm wondering if she's finding it all a bit much? I'm not sure what you needed the questionnaire for, but all she has to do is get the dress and show up at the wedding. Everything else is optional.

I'm in a very similar boat, and would love to hear feedback!

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Hey! I feel like there's are certain people that are like, the bridesmaid just need to show up with a dress and that's all, have their own opinion...I felt like, if I'm asking you to stand with me on literally one of the most important days of my life, they should be invested in what surrounds that...becuase they are standing with me to show their invested in me and whats happening...they don't have to attend every little thing but they need to at least communicate about something they know is massively important to you...so that's my hot take..followed by, it depends on that person's phone habits and ironically, my friend is on her phone responding to messages all the time so I knew it wasn't that...I finally messaged her about the wedding...I said I had noticed she seemed to be either ignoring or not getting my messages regarding wedding or life, I asked if everything was ok and she needed help or support in her life...and i asked her if she felt the wedding was too much at the moment and felt she needed to prioritize other things in her life, which I'd understand and respect completely, as she recently was asked to be a bridesmaid in her sister's wedding...I messaged her Saturday. She opened it Sunday and now its Wednesday without a response...I'm going to message and basically say that I hope she will still be able to attend the wedding to help us celebrate...I hate having to do any of that because I'm not confrontational, I give people allot of understanding and slack. So it wasn't easy, but I felt it needed to be done so she could get out of it if she wanted to or let me know she wanted to be part of it but needed help with something...or just say nothing at all so I could be the one that say's she can just be a guest and not worry about it...this felt very rambling...

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It's not just my opinion, it's the etiquette of the situation. It's the prerogative of others to reach out and make any offers, not yours to assume or plan any extra involvement. From what you've said, I just think there's a good chance you overstepped with your questionnaires and expectations.

IMO you should have reached out only about what's going on in her life and left the ball in her court. You would have found out eventually if it was her intention to drop out. No need to push her. That reflects poorly on you, not her.

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Anyways, here's the link to bridesmaid duties...especially for those finding themselves in similar situations.

https://www.theknot.com/content/bridesmaids-setting-expectations

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I admit, it's sad when articles like this are written and brides are taken in by monetized sources that are shills for the wedding industrial complex. That article has no connection to any credible etiquette source. Even Emily Post, which is far from traditional these days, makes it clear that pre-wedding parties are nice but optional.

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Those articles are perpetuated but the wedding industry. They are not an accurate reflection of reality or etiquette.

Expecting people to live up to this is asking for trouble. This is totally not the purpose of a wedding party.

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I don't think the expectations listed in that article are unheard of at all! That article was basically saying to be a voice of reason in the decision making throughout the process, come to the bridal shower and bachelorette party if it's in the budget and to be her extra set of hands for the wedding. I'm having a hard time seeing where that crosses a line--that's all very traditional. I have done all of that and *more* as a MOH in several weddings and a bridesmaid in other friends weddings. Maybe that just makes me an incredible friend and why I don't think that those tasks are unreasonable or too high of expectations because those are what my friends expected from me as a bridesmaid and MOH. And I was thrilled to do all of them!

View Quoted Comment Thank you for posting! I really do feel I haven’t asked anything out of bounds and that I wouldn’t have excitedly done as anyone of my girls’ bridesmaids, so far, they have all-besides the on single bridesmaid-have said they appreciate getting so much input and they love everything I’ve done so far in including them!

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It's great that you enjoyed doing the tasks. It does not mean that there's an obligation to help with wedding planning. Other people may not enjoy or have time for it. That doesn't make them a "bad" wedding party member.

Help with wedding planning is optional only and not a requirement.

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After reading the article, I agree that those are things the bridesmaids are expected to do. I have been accommodating with all of my bridesmaids, thus far, and I do expect them to help me. My MOH has taken complete reigns on the shower/bach, and I am more than appreciative of this. All of my girls have picked/purchased their own dresses, and are aware they are helping the MOH with the shower/bach. Again, I have completed all of those duties talked about in the article as a MOH in others weddings, so I am holding my bridesmaids to that standard as well.

Remember at the end of the day its your wedding, do what makes YOU happy!!

That article is outdated at 5 years ago, pre-pandemic, pre-inflation. It's also sexist-- where is the role of your future spouse? Why wouldn't you turn to them to get the silly welcome bags?? While you're planning a wedding, others are perhaps changing careers expecting a recession. $1k is the ave cost of someone in the WP. Your friends (no matter the gender) aren't free labor.

Anyway, if a friend ghosted me, I'd confront them by phone call or end the friendship. Idk why you're waiting around just to hold them to an arbitrary bridesmaids standard. Hold her to a friendship standard.

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I just simply disagree. I think that the mindset of "show up on my wedding day and stand at my side" as the only requirement is an extremely outdated mindset. Maybe in the early 2000's, sure. But I would say starting in the early 2010's, the responsibilities and expectations for bridesmaids shifted. Wedding planning doesn't even necessarily require any financial responsibility. It requires that you message/call your friend back and spend even just 15 minutes with them being a soundboard for decisions. Minimal effort is exuted.

View Quoted Comment Wow, I had no intentions of ending the friendship, I just needed to know if this was in her wheel house this year. I know her pretty well and knew she’d more likely ghost then admit something was wrong and needed help. She did finally respond and admit things were going rough for her but she didn’t want to say anything, she knew I’d want to help and didn’t want me to get distracted from my wedding. Anyways, I’m currently helping her sort things out and reassured her I had no hard feelings, and care more about our friendship-which is why I have her an out if she needed one…so I’m my actual personal experience, I can say reaching out and letting them know the pressure of the wedding can be removed if they need it and it won’t hurt you, is totally exceptable, along with letting them know what your PERSONAL take of what bridesmaids are for, and if they feel that’s too much for them, they can step back…because there are clearly different views at this point so maybe we should just stick with setting clear guidelines of expectations first so everyone knows what they are accepting to do.