Unsupportive Friend

Yep! My MOH had been recently divorced about 3 months before I got engaged. She was bitter and kept asking me "are you sure you wanna do this?" And wouldn't really help with certain tasks like making bouquets etc. When covid hit her behavior changed and I understood we were all scared because we knew nothing about it but she completely wanted out of the wedding and I can honestly say we are no longer friends. It was hard to have a friend that was always making comments about my relationship with my then FH, now hubby. And she was the only friend making those comments. Unfortunately we work at the same place and I still see her so it can be awkward at times.

Yes ma'am, both my mom and future MIL behaved this way. I got over it quickly and never mention the wedding to them anymore.

That is just a horrible way to behave as a grown adult! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t experienced this first hand. My sister is my MOH & right now she’s being a little distant but I know why. Her daughter in law passed suddenly this past January & she was only 28, leaving her son & 2 young girls behind. The 1 yr anniversary is coming up so it’s a difficult time. I’m giving her the space she needs as I know this isn’t her normal behavior.

Sorry that happened to you, my bridal party has been amazing so no I didn't personally experience this but I see it happen all the time on this site. Hopefully things will get better with you two.

If you truly have a good relationship with this person, it shouldn't change just because they aren't into helping you with your wedding. Some people aren't into weddings, some people love them. Weddings are inherently pretty stressful. Some people are naturally really good at planning and organizing and others aren't. If you are relying on who offers to help with your wedding as a test of friendship, then I think you're doing it wrong.

Did you ever discuss promoting the other bridesmaid to Matron of Honor with your Maid of Honor before you did it? She may be hurt by what seems like a sudden change of heart. If she's stopped being a friend to you in general that's one thing, but if she's just not being a "wedding helper" in the way you want then I think putting your friendship on the line because of that is unfortunate for both of you.

Relationships change over time and sometimes people grow apart. I would have a conversation with your friend and tell her you asked her to be your Maid of Honor because you consider her to be your closest friend. Let her know you wish she was more involved and it kind of hurts that she doesn't seem to care about her wedding. She might come back with any number of things from "I don't know how to help" to "I don't approve of your marriage" to "I'm just jealous because I was hoping I'd be at this point in life now too and I'm not" to something else. Just writing her off without having a conversation will not give you any closure and will further strain your friendship. Have a conversation with her, try to be empathetic and not make it all about you, and go from there.

Nothing you have described indicates that she isn't supportive or happy for you, just that she isn't interested in planning your wedding, which she isn't responsible for anyway. Planning your wedding is no one else's responsibility other than you and your fiance, and a paid wedding planner if you have one It's nice that some others have offered to help, but no one is required to. If you're willing to throw away your friendship over her not offering unpaid party planning labor then perhaps the friendship has run it's course.

Honestly, her feelings are probably hurt. I don't believe that wedding titles really matter, but you seemingly demoted her twice. It's not up to your wedding party to help plan your wedding. If they want to help, that's awesome, but they're not required to. Planning someone else's wedding should never be a priority in a bridesmaid's life. If this friendship means anything to you, which it sounds like it does, or at least should, because you asked her to be your MOH, I would stop, take a deep breath, and talk to her. As a pervious poster mentioned, if you're willing to let this ruin your friendship, your friendship was clearly already over.

View Quoted Comment Hi, she started out the Maid of Honor and is now a Bridesmaid (that's one time)... I began by saying I would run out of space if I listed every detail of her being unsupportive. We have been friends for more than 20 years and she has been a willing participant in everything I've done in the past and vice versa. It just appears that when my other friends are involved, she takes a back seat. She has found a way to be absent and make everything about HER when we are discussing wedding details. She and I had conversations in the past about how I felt our friendship was drifting and she disagreed or didn't see it that way, so when I say former best friend it started long before me announcing my wedding, but her lack of participation solidified it. Perhaps I should rephrase my statement to pre-wedding planning (the things that the bridal party assist with)...because the wedding itself is planned. If you've had a friend for that long and they show up for everything else in your life BUT your wedding, that just seems off.

View Quoted Comment Thankfully I have 2 other amazing friends that have been beyond amazing, but sometimes you just expect a little more from those that have been in your life for a long time. It sounds like you've picked the perfect team to be by your side.

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That's definitely unfortunate, but at least your complete bridal party isn't like that & you do have help! & yes I picked a pretty good party

If she is not supportive now, she gets the boot from your wedding and your life right now. Don't draw it out till the wedding when she'll be more indifferent bordering on hostile. A person like that has no place at the wedding.


Bridesmaids are your bestest closest most supportive friends/family that you currently are close to. The idea that the maid of honor is one you've known the longest is false information. Nor should your bridesmaids be picked more than 6 months out because relationships can change so much in that short period of time, in addition to the fact they don't have responsibilities that require them to be chosen earlier.

View Quoted Comment We once had a good friendship (pre wedding planning)... There are things she's done to further solidify that we just aren't close anymore. The things she's done are more so of her just not being a good friend. I've had a few conversations with her about her participation and she agreed to do more, with no effort. She often makes things about her when we are discussing pre-wedding events. When you've been friends with someone for more than 20 years, you just expect more and it's unfortunate that the conversations we've had in the past about our friendship are proving to be true now based on her actions.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate somewhat. My childhood best friend was supposed to be my MOH in my wedding this May. She lives in the area where we grew up (about 4 hours away) and didn't help much with the wedding at all but I didn't think much of it because of the physical distance. No showers or bachelorette planned, and I just went with it because I didn't want to make my wedding hard or complicated or expensive for anyone. The only thing I asked of her was to get a dress, which she almost didn't do in time. Then Covid happened, wedding was canceled, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and hubby and I eloped in an anticlimactic and disappointing super short and socially distant ceremony, because we were worried my mom wouldn't survive to see our wedding if we pushed it out very far.

I've always been the responsible one, and my friend always has a way of making everything about her. Her default sympathetic verbiage is "I get it" which is extremely annoying because that would imply her wedding to her perfect person was also ruined by a once in a hundred year pandemic, her sole living parent is fighting a deadly disease at the same time, and she, as an only child, is unable to see her parent or provide support for the parent who lives alone and has no help, none of which is true for her. I've asked her not to say that to me but she still does. She lives with her mostly-on-but-sometimes-off boyfriend in a condo his mother subsidizes because they cannot afford rent on their own, and she just got pregnant (unplanned, her third accidental pregnancy, first she is keeping, and she was smoking and drinking the whole time before finding out she was pregnant), and the baby is due a week before our postponed wedding celebration. She's excited about the baby, which I am trying to be sympathetic to, but she never asks about how my mom is doing and never acknowledged that she won't be able to be my MOH now and pretty much acts like whatever hubby and I choose to do to celebrate now doesn't matter because we're already married. It's really frustrating because my husband and I have been responsible and "done the right thing" - we wanted to get married before kids and now we're weighing the risks of having a baby during a pandemic or waiting longer (I'm 35), and I've met with doctors and am doing everything to be as healthy as I can in anticipation of conceiving. It feels like we are getting shafted and this person is supposed to be my best friend and has provided no support. I find it difficult to speak with her and don't really want to hear about her pregnancy or baby at all. I used to talk to her on the phone several times a week but now we go weeks at a time without speaking and she didn't even remember or acknowledge my recent birthday. I think it's safe to say I wouldn't choose her as my MOH now.

Anyway, I'm glad you have some women who do support you and who are stepping up to make wedding planning fun, especially when your longtime friend is not being there for you in the way you expected.

View Quoted Comment Wow!!! Reading your response gave me chills. Let me first say, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. ♥️ You LITERALLY mirrored 99% of what my relationship is like with my friend. It's so unfortunate that those we were once close with can be so far away now. I think another part of her issue is that she's been with a man for more than 15+ years and not married. Perhaps all this wedding talk is not what she want to hear. She suddenly started saying she is going to get married before the year ends or early next year. Thank you for sharing your story and CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage and the planning of adding to your family.

No one in your bridal party is required to attend to any planning of your wedding or any pre or post wedding events. Your bridal party are your support pillars on the day and their only duty is to be there for you and wear whatever it is you’ve asked them to wear as part of the bridal party.

In this regard, I think you are being unfair in this circumstance and have formed this unsavoury view of your friend by reason of her failing to live up to your expectations. Nothing you have actually detailed has indicated a lack of support from your friend. The fact that she hasn’t offered to assist you with planning (as you have stated she ‘has contributed the least’) does not mean she is unsupportive of you and your wedding, and furthermore, just because someone has known you longer than others does not create some special obligation for them to do even more for you than anyone else.

Between the fact that you have held unrealistic expectations and otherwise demoted her role in your bridal party, I quite honestly (and without any intended offense to you) think that you are responsible for your own disappointment here.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! You get it!!! Your friends are supposed to be supportive no matter what...end of story!

It feels as if I wrote this, my best friend from high school who everyone expects to be my MOH is acting the same. My wedding is in 2022 so I haven’t officially chosen who will be my MOH but I’m now 100% sure it won’t be her. Just like you, my other close friends are happy, excited and helping me plan while my “best friend” hasn’t said a word since I got engaged. Some time has passed and I’m no longer as hurt, I know where she stands in my life now. You are right, you should just leave things the way there are now since you only have 5 months left but afterwards I would distance myself. If you can’t be happy for your friend then I don’t want you in my life

I'm going through same thing ...my best friend told me have other have title since they doing work then told to have nice life a few weeks later after I asked if she got dress ..yet after telling she will order on certain date ..she stop being friends with me ..like wow ...then other one want order dress on her time ...but purchase other items thag abt same price lol now it out of stock in her color and dont feel like giving a option to find another dress for her or anybody else...I feel like doing alone but always get it your wedding we here for you and will do what you ask but I get im bald cant do that style ..what wrong with my lash length etc...so I feel you ...

View Quoted Comment Precisely!!! It's just so crazy how something so dear as your wedding could become the demise of your friendship!!! The writing is on the wall that they aren't happy for us... Much like yourself, I'm not sad, I'm just over it and I'm clear on where we stand!!!

I hate to say that I am glad to not be the only one. I had an extremely small bridal party so kept it to my best friend, sister, and SIL. this offended one of my friends not included, eventhough i mentioned to her, I wanted her to be like honorary BM meaning to be as involved as she wanted and obviously included in everything. She scoffed as it was no big deal "that's what you called for, no big deal" it was later a big deal. Long story short we are still "friends" whatever that means cuz I haven't heard from her since my bridal shower, that means no wedding congrats (wedding was 11.21.20), no anything. it sucks but wow am I glad she wasn't in my wedding party. no one needs fake friends in their wedding photos. Do what suits you right. You want people happy for you, that support you and your marriage up there.