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L
Savvy June 2023

Unsupportive friends

Lindsay, on September 24, 2021 at 7:45 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 30
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Hey everyone
My boyfriend and I are aren’t engaged yet, but we will be in the next few months (which is why I’m here, hope that’s ok)Anyways, we started talking about it a couple months back. I ended up losing 3 close friends who were being a bit bitter to me and giving me unwarranted advice. I’m not here to get guidance on whether or not it should’ve happened, as it did months ago and what’s done is done. I’m more so here to get guidance on the aftermath of it. I feel completely... tense whenever I bring it up to anyone now. Pretty insecure. I’ve been in therapy- not because of this, I have been for years- so naturally talking about not caring what other people think has come up- but how do you deal with the aftermath of that when it was 3 of your best friends? The main concern is that it was “quick” for their standards, not who he is as a person, by the way. I’ve learned that NOBODY will be as happy for me as I am. I will probably be the only person jumping off the walls excited when it happens, except for maybe a close friend or two. I totally get that now. But I just feel really timid talking about it with anyone besides my partner and my dad. Even my closest friends I’m scared to bring it up to- no fault of their own, just the aftermath of the other friends. I want some guidance on how to just... not care? My other friends haven’t shown any sign of judgment, and I also make sure not to make it all I talk about on my end. I hope someone on here can relate to this feeling of insecurity, tenseness and sadness, because it stinks! I don’t want to get to the proposal and be nervous to tell people, so I guess that’s why I’m seeking advice before it happens. Sorry for the novel. Thanks in advance for any advice. I could really use it.

30 Comments

Latest activity by Lisa, on September 25, 2021 at 12:14 PM
  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    Is there a reason why they are acting like this? Are they being protective over you? Do they like your boyfriend?
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  • L
    Savvy June 2023
    Lindsay ·
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    I said it in the first part but they made comments about how they thought it was too soon, and it didn’t have anything to do with my boyfriend or who he is as a person.
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  • A.B.
    Dedicated November 2021
    A.B. ·
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    I'm sorry this happened to you. If you are 100% sure of the relationship and plan to stand your ground, my advice is to not say anything until you are engaged and once you are keep the planning to you, fiancé, parents if they are supportive and vendors only. Always present information in terms statements, announcements or invitations. For people that decline any type of invite (wedding, shower, bridal party), assume good faith that it is not a judgment but an inability to make it to the event/commit to the role.

    For unsolicited advice that not to the point where you want to go no contact, I'd advise remaining silent with neutral expression while they talk and then say something like "Thank-you for telling me how you feel. I hope you're still able to celebrate with us despite your reservations" and end the conversation.

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  • L
    Savvy June 2023
    Lindsay ·
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    Thank you for the advice. The situation stinks! I’ve always cared about what other people think way too much, and he’s the exact opposite. Maybe this is a lesson for me. Those 3 were so supportive until we brought up the m word haha
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  • A.B.
    Dedicated November 2021
    A.B. ·
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    I am the same way so I get it! Your therapist can be a great resource and also a safe space to talk things through. What is important is that the final call still needs to be between you and your boyfriend.

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  • L
    Savvy June 2023
    Lindsay ·
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    I know. He wants to marry me as much as I want to marry him, so nothing else should matter really
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    While I don’t think you should make life choices based on a friend’s opinion, I do think it’s a bit odd that your friends were supportive of your relationship and them showing concern for how fast your relationship is moving automatically equated to them not being supportive in your mind. I’ve shown concern for friends moving quickly in relationships before and it’s 100% been from a place of love and concern. Maybe these friends just want to make sure you’ve thought it all through. I don’t think that means they’re unsupportive.
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  • E
    Expert September 2022
    EGD ·
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    100% THIS!

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  • L
    Savvy June 2023
    Lindsay ·
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    I appreciate your comments but as I said before I’m not looking for advice on what happened, I’m looking for advice on the aftermath. Thanks.
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  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
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    Going to agree with Sarah on this. It's hard to hear unsolicited advise, especially when it's against something you're excited about. In this case though, it sounds like they are coming from a place of concern, is which is very much showing support of you and your long-term well-being.
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  • L
    Savvy June 2023
    Lindsay ·
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    Okay, I said before that I didn’t want advice on the situation, it’s happened and done with. I’d like advice on my sense of insecurity on talking to people now because I don’t feel comfortable talking about wedding things after how they made me feel. Nobody knows what they said to me, or what I said to them, so please don’t comment on it. Thanks
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Just continue your therapy I guess. If these people mattered enough that their opinions on you getting married rattled you enough to maybe not talk to anyone else about the wedding the only thing you need to do is work on setting boundaries for yourself so that that doesn’t happen again.
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  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
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    But it is advice on how to move on. I understand that they hurt your feelings, but in order to move on, I really do think that you need to acknowledge that their comments came from a place of concern. Because chances are, if you guys really haven't been together for very longer, other people in your life are going to feel the same way. So if you do want to move on with planning, do so. And if anyone else says anything to do, stand firm in your answer of "I appreciate your concern, but my boyfriend and I have discussed this and believe that it is the right move for us." And end the conversation. Tbh, not wanting to talk about marriage and the wedding may lead people to really believe that you guys aren't ready for it. So if this is what you want to do, stand up for your decision.
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  • L
    Savvy June 2023
    Lindsay ·
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    Okay, I see where you’re coming from. I guess I do have to elaborate a little more. I understand they were coming from a place of concern, but I guess what really got me is that they wouldn’t drop it, and they wouldn’t tell me why they were acting the way they were. I remember saying, if you think there’s a valid reason I shouldn’t consider this, please tell me, but they never gave it to me except for making snide comments here and there. I told them that I just wished they’d drop it and support me and that’s when it got ugly. So in my eyes, I was super SUPER excited about this and got a not so great reaction from people I really cared about, and they undermined my feelings and quite frankly gaslit me. That’s why I feel the way I do. I want to be able to talk about it with people I care about without feeling like... I don’t know, a bother or a nuisance or something
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I agree with all of this. And going forward, remember that true friends care for you and speak up if they have concerns. We shouldn't want our friends to shut up and only say positive things that they don't mean; we should want them to be real with us. But also, it's a really important part of growing up to learn to rely on one's own counsel and not let outside opinions hurt us if they are unfounded.

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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    I’m just gonna give some advice from where I was my family and friends do not like my ex I did not know it at the time but he was incredibly emotionally mentally abusive, My friends who were supportive at first was very much wanting to be part of my life and then until they start saying my exes true colors that’s when they became distant and said that we were moving too fast I think your friends are coming from an incredibly loving place take a break and listen to them
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  • L
    Savvy June 2023
    Lindsay ·
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    I understand that. I guess it’s the way they handled it when I brought up my concerns with them that hurt me.
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  • L
    Savvy June 2023
    Lindsay ·
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    I’m not sure how to take this, everyone who knows my boyfriend knows what a wonderful person he is, and they said it themselves that it wasn’t about him.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Honestly, reading the initial post as well as all of your responses, it sounds as though the problem lies within you. Your friends came to you out of genuine love and concern (an ideal trait of a good friend!), and you took their concern way too personally and seemed to turn it into something it wasn’t. You should never have lost your three best friends over them voicing a concern (and the fact that there were three individual people that close to you that all expressed the same concern should be something you take a closer look at it). And the fact that you are now so terrified to say anything to anyone about your engagement says that you are still taking things way too personally and blowing them up into something they aren’t (unless you actually feel down deep that your friends were correct in what they said). And the only way to handle the situation is to identify the root cause within yourself and work through it. Therapy is going to be your best bet here. I truly hope you are able to work through this in therapy and to hopefully mend the friendships you have loss
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I am not giving you advice on what happened. I am giving you advice on how you handled it, and how that may affect how you handle things moving forward. You say you are “insecure about talking about wedding things”… that is a problem within yourself. Just like your reaction to your friends’ voicing concerns. I am saying there is a pattern here, and that you should seek the root of the problems/insecurity in therapy so that you can work through that issue and not continue to repeat this same pattern. If no one else in your life has given you any reason to not speak about wedding stuff, then obviously your hesitance to do so is based on your own internal feelings and thought processes. And only you can fix those.


    If you look at your reply to me, you can already see this pattern again. “ you know nothing about the situation or what they said to me“… “this is totally out of line” yet, you were the one that gave the information. We know only what you tell us. And you were the one that asked for advice. It is obvious you lash out and shut down when somebody says something you don’t like. This is your pattern. And that was my point. If we can recognize unhealthy patterns within ourselves, we can do the work to change them. It’s not always fun or easy, but it definitely serves us in the end. Like I said before, I truly wish you the best of luck in working through these issues in therapy, so you can become a happier and healthier individual and partner.
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