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Savvy June 2023

Unsupportive friends

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Lindsay, on September 24, 2021 at 7:45 AM

Hey everyone
My boyfriend and I are aren’t engaged yet, but we will be in the next few months (which is why I’m here, hope that’s ok)Anyways, we started talking about it a couple months back. I ended up losing 3 close friends who were being a bit bitter to me and giving me unwarranted advice. I’m not here to get guidance on whether or not it should’ve happened, as it did months ago and what’s done is done. I’m more so here to get guidance on the aftermath of it. I feel completely... tense whenever I bring it up to anyone now. Pretty insecure. I’ve been in therapy- not because of this, I have been for years- so naturally talking about not caring what other people think has come up- but how do you deal with the aftermath of that when it was 3 of your best friends? The main concern is that it was “quick” for their standards, not who he is as a person, by the way. I’ve learned that NOBODY will be as happy for me as I am. I will probably be the only person jumping off the walls excited when it happens, except for maybe a close friend or two. I totally get that now. But I just feel really timid talking about it with anyone besides my partner and my dad. Even my closest friends I’m scared to bring it up to- no fault of their own, just the aftermath of the other friends. I want some guidance on how to just... not care? My other friends haven’t shown any sign of judgment, and I also make sure not to make it all I talk about on my end. I hope someone on here can relate to this feeling of insecurity, tenseness and sadness, because it stinks! I don’t want to get to the proposal and be nervous to tell people, so I guess that’s why I’m seeking advice before it happens. Sorry for the novel. Thanks in advance for any advice. I could really use it.

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30 Comments

Expert September 2022
EGD · on September 24, 2021 at 12:50 PM
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You're putting blame on everyone else for how YOURE reacting to them, and not taking any responsibility. You're lashing out on a public forum where literally anyone in the world can respond in any which manner they choose.
It is on YOU and only YOU to look inside yourself, and stand by your decision. You've already made your choice on these 3 friends so there's really no moving forward if you're not willing to find the core reason these comments bothered you SO much.
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Savvy June 2023
Lindsay · on September 24, 2021 at 1:04 PM
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If anyone has genuine advice for how to not care about what people think, I’d love to hear it. Otherwise I am not replying to comments who know nothing about the situation that I stated I wished not to discuss. Thanks
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Expert September 2022
EGD · on September 24, 2021 at 1:27 PM
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People are giving you advice, but you're unwilling to listen or take that advice because you're not hearing what you want to hear.
So my best advice, is to drop your expectation of the way you think people should act/react, cause clearly it's an issue of people not living up to your expectations that you're having a problem with.
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Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on September 24, 2021 at 1:47 PM
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Nailed it…
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on September 24, 2021 at 1:51 PM
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Like CeCe said, you have to get to the root of why you care. It’s different for everyone. Your therapist should be helping you do this.
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Savvy June 2023
Lindsay · on September 24, 2021 at 2:09 PM
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Thanks, I will try to dig deeper
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on September 24, 2021 at 9:42 PM
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Based on what I’ve read, it seems that you DO value these people’s opinions and are hurt that they did not tell you what you were hoping to hear. Best friends are honest with each other, even if it can be uncomfortable to hear. Were you hoping they would react differently (and more positively) because you have some underlying doubts? If you truly believe the two of you are 100% ready for marriage, there shouldn’t be any hesitance in sharing the news.
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on September 25, 2021 at 3:15 AM
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Honestly it seems like you want to hear what you want to hear, and that's about it. It's evidenced by your not responding to topics you want to stay away from. It's also not ok to tell people how to post or what to say. I'm not sure what you wanted by posting. I hope things work out with your friends.
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Jm Sunshine Online · on September 25, 2021 at 11:33 AM
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It is unfortunate that you have possibly severed friendships while putting the cart before the horse. You are not engaged and while you and boyfriend are talking about it, you say it might not even happen until next year. I am concerned that you're going into full fledged planning mode without a solid commitment and perhaps that may be what your friends are conveying as well.
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Rockstar July 2022
Lisa · on September 25, 2021 at 12:14 PM
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I agree with this and previous comments as well. It is certainly exciting to start talking about marriage and the next steps in your relationship, though you are wedding planning when you aren't actually engaged. I'm not quite sure what you talk about with friends and family on this topic, since there hasn't been a proposal, and no wedding to plan yet. I also wonder if that's what your friends were trying to express (which I think was very kind of your friends to mention a potential concern directly to you).

As for your question on how to not care about any negative reactions, I would suggest a response along the lines of, "Thank you for your concern, though my boyfriend and I have discussed it, and we feel ready to move forward." Your therapist can also help guide you on other strategies.
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