Usher vs Groomsman role

Hey there Mom, I edited your thread so that others can comment on it, let me know if you are having any other technical issues and I'd be happy to help.

I'm sorry to hear that this has caused hurt feelings. Yes, an usher and a groomsman are different roles, though in weddings that have no ushers it is sometimes the GMs that do the ushering. Ushers are not typically considered part of the core wedding party and don't typically have special outfits.

Your daughter and future son in law may be of the mind that the groom picks his attendants and the bride picks hers. They may also feel that the groom's attendants all have to be male, and the bride's all have to be female. This is not at all the case anymore, but it could be the reason your son was asked to be an usher - she didn't want to make him a bridesman and didn't want to make her future spouse include him as one of his attendants, and so this was the best way she felt she could include him.

ETA clarity and spelling

Oh wow that's just saw. I know his feelings are really crush. the usher is basically someone who greets the guest and show them to they seat. Pass out program if there is one. The groomsman just stands there next to the groom take pictures with wedding party and plans the groom bachelor party. How old is your son. If he is younger maybe he can announce the bride is coming before she walks out.

I know you're all crushed, but there actually is no obligation to even include siblings in the bridal party at all. The groom chose who he was close to, and the bride/your daughter chose who she was close to, and they decided to stick with the gender "norms" of BMs being all females & GMs being all males.

eta: spelling

I see, okay well this must be the new norm then. He is 24 and I guess we were both disillusioned by the role. He's never been in a wedding nor attended a formal one so both of us misunderstood I guess. I at least thought he'd be in formal wear and pose in the pictures as I sure would have liked a nice family one of everyone on this special day but I guess that won't be the case. I guess we'll have to have our own group shot after the wedding poses are done. Still disappointnted by it all but at least I see the difference and know it wasn't out of the ordinary. Thank you.

He can still be part of family photos. The only difference is he won't be standing at the front with the Groom.

Thank you Carrie H. That is a wonderful gesture. I have discussed the attire. It is a sore subject. Due to the other usher being challenged on finances, the least possible option is being used. Dress pants and tie. I guess there just is no real way to fix this. It is what it is. I'm saying that a lot now lol as invite my tongue a thousand times.

Family pictures will probably still happen. DH's oldest brother and my brother were in our WP, but DH's stepbrothers were not. We absolutely included his stepbrothers, as well as his one step brother's wife and our niece in family portraits. While I don't have your daughter's photo list in front of me, I think chances are good that they would plan one of them with you, your husband, and your son.

Family pictures will absolutely still happen! Whether a sibling is in the wedding party or not it is very very common to take formal photos with family members, including siblings, grandparents, step family, godparents... anyone! Talk to your daughter about her shot list that she is making with her photographer and let her know that you'd really love it if there were some family portraits on the list.

It's really up to the bride and groom, who stands with them on their day. FH and I decided we wanted a very small wedding party. My sister is standing up with me, but my brother is an usher. FH has 2 good friends who will be standing up with him. His nephew will also be an usher. Both of our ushers are super excited to do the job. Jokes have been cracked about dressing as James Bond, with walky talkies duct taped to their wrists (that's a joke....I think ) Anyway, FH and I talked with both boys and asked if they wanted to wear a tux, they do. So they will be wearing the same tux as the GM but different color vest and tie.

Hopefully your family can come to some resolution. Family pictures can (and should) still happen even if your son is not in the wedding party. If he's not in a coordinating suit, he will still be dressed to the same level of formality (at least I would hope), so it's not going to look weird.

Thanks girls. I appreciate the input. Just trying to figure how this all fits in to the greater scheme of things. Last thing I want is for daughter to stress over anything else. Love both my kids. Just want harmony on this big day. Things have changed and I can see this now. Appreciate all the help.

Hey

I am involved in something similar. My FH has a younger sibling that is 16 years old. I also have a brother that is my best friend who is 30. Both are ushers. My brother is fine with being an usher because he is walking down the aisle with my mother (this is very special!) well my FH side of the family was FURIOUS with my FH for not including his younger brother. We consider the ushers part of the wedding party, they just aren't standing up at the altar. My advice is, i know you are upset but I don't believe it is your daughters intentions to leave anyone out. I am sure she loves your son and this was the best way she could include him. It is really hard to make everyone happy.....i would not press the issue too much because it may push them away. I hope I helped.

Sorry your hurt by this, but not everyone can be apart of a bridal party. At least he got a role.

When I got married the first time (over 40 years ago) - we had ushers that were included in wearing formal wear and were in some of the pictures (there were BP pictures with them, and BP pictures without them). Definitely, there were "family" pictures on both his side and my side with all family members included, regardless of their role in the event.

Sorry this is causing some heartbreak in your family.