vent: how do you let go of the anger?

I just wanted to believe they would all just be happy for me on my wedding day and supportive. I am shocked and kinda shattered to know how they all actually behaved. Our relationships have always been kinda strained and they are very different from me. I always knew that. It's just I was hoping for the best? And yet it was worse than I ever imagined!!! *sigh* I just feel completely let down. Is the post wedding blues that I have heard about?

I sorta know how u feel except for my in laws were rude to me at the rehersal the night before the wedding and were rude to me on the wedding day and even sat my dh at there table multiple times talking bad about me it made me sick to my stomach and sorta ruined my honeymoon too. I think we need to just ignore these people and cut them out of ours lives cause what ever is going to bring us down we need to get rid of.

Have you asked them why they behaved like they did? It sounds like (from how to describe it) that your sister is not usually that way I'm thinking? Is she jealous that perhaps you have found someone and that she still has not. I'm just trying to think of why she would have behaved like she did so I'm just guessing. She still shouldn't have behaved like she did, there are no excuses for any of them acting like they did. You got married after my birthday (10/16), cool!

I'm sure she was jealous. She has always behaved poorly with me throughout our lives, every time I outshined her, am taller than her, more popular etc. She's not very expressive with her true feelings and not into self reflection, just very competitive. I know she will never change. I just hoped that at age 37, she had gained some decency, sincerity, and class. I guess not. I have not been close to her all my life and even less so in the last 10 years. Part of it probably was that she wasn't one of my bridesmaids, but then I thought to make her one would be a lie because only people who have been supportive and kind to the bride should be a bm. duh. It's not that she was surprised. It's that she was embarrassed as to how that might seem to people. I chose my younger sis as a bm instead. But it wasn't like I would be her bm in the future, when and if she meets her mr. perfect. I know we're not close. So why fake it for other people.

Yikes, that's awful. Unfortunately you can't control how people act towards you - only how you react to their actions. Maybe you should take the initiative of doing something nice for her, like maybe call her up and explain that you are sorry there has been this bad stuff between you, and that you would like to take her out to dinner and see if you can get your relationship back on track - or something. If that doesn't work, it may be worth talking to a counselor or some professional to see if they can help you let go of your angry feelings. Not to say you aren't justified in being angry since of course you are but obviously you don't want to harbor these feelings of resentment towards your family members forever.

I'm not sure, as I find it hard to let go of things also, but you can sit them down indivudually and tell them how you feel and how you felt they treated you that day, and hopefully they get the hint and start acting their ages. My sister and I have never really got along, not even now, we are a bit better, but that didn't happen until 4 years ago, when I was 20 and she was 24, So I understand where you're coming from. My sister, I believe, was very upset that I was getting married, my life was going great, and that our parents were spending money on the wedding and I think she was worried that they wouldn't be able to help her out (single mom of 3 girls) And she was being nasty one day, I usually ignore it, I didn't told her to grow up, get over it, etc.. and my mom even stepped in to my defense(who never does, just tells us to zip it) But my mom said "You had your day, now let your sister have hers" (she has been divorced for a while now) and I think that really made her mad. Con't

So, she stepped down as Bm (I didn't want her to be one in the first place) and told me niether her or her children would be attending, And I was devistated(sp?) long story short, I let her be and she apologized, is now coming with my nieces and yes, I still worry about what she might pull, if she'll come, etc.. But I think about and I just "Who cares? She is the type of person creates drama" and it surprises me that I just don't care anymore. It took time, But I think if you give it time, you will/might feel better about the situation. You married the love of your life that day, and that's what matters most. Who cares if people who were/are jealous of you because of your realtionship with your husband, You should be flattered that people who can't have it, have to be negative about yours. Sounds harsh, I know, I'm sorry. But tell themhow you feel, and if they don't change ignore them and thier behaviour, sooner or later they will realize what they did.con't

They almost always eventually do when someone importnat is out of the picture. Best of luck!

I'm trying to figure it out for myself too JJ. I'm still bitter over what my MIL tried to do to us with the wedding. I don't plan on forgiving and forgetting, but I would like to not get all heated up every time I think about it! LOL.....I also had a friend who was crazy jealous like you're sister. I tried to give her some slack through it all when she made snyde comments, etc because I knew it was hard for her. But on the actual wedding day she went WAY too far and it changed our friendship forever. Someone on here wrote about the difference between people who are close friends or GOOD friends. (same could be applied to sisters) Someone may be close to you, know you forever, know everything about you...but that doesn't mean they are good for you or for your life. I realized that my friend wasn't a good friend to me so I had to let her go and back away from her a bit. Not saying to do that with your sister, just saying I understand what you're going through. It sucks and it is hard

As a future husband of someone who has constant fights with her older sister i've found that as a third party ts easier to qell a dissagreement or arguement. the wedding is mostly about the bride. there for i ask how come the groom didn't remove problems? i know my fiance and i have already talked about who could cause problems and are prepaired to have them removed. all people and situations are different and i understand that some may dissagree but i think it's the grooms responsibility to make that day as close to perfect as possible.

Congratulations...we have the same anniversary!

I know exactly how you feel except that it was my brother & his gf who treated me poorly. Lots of stuff happened during the engagement, but the last straw was during family photos after the ceremony. He motioned for her to join the family photo & my husband said no, that the photo was just for family. My brother got angry & had a mad look on his face in ALL of my wedding party photos (he was a groomsman). He hasn't spoken to me since. I'm not sure how to deal with it, on 1 hand I'm SO angry & hurt by his behavior (don't care if the gf doesnt speak to me) but on the other hand there is a great sense of loss because it has divided my family (my parents agree that he was in the wrong & he isn't talking to them either).

I think that time is the only thing that ease the hurt feelings. The saddest thing is that even if the family members apologize, it wont change the fact that they didn't care enough for your happiness in the 1st place

Sorry to go on for so long about my situation. I hope that someone is able to offer better advice for our situations and that you find some peace with your family members.

This will be very hard to do but you need to forgive them. Call her up and say I forgive you for what you did to me on MY wedding day, and it really bruised the trust I had in you. Keep it simple and then end the conversation. Let her think about what you said. Family is so important and you don't want something like this to ruin your relationship with her. So make the first move by telling her what she made you feel like(calmly) and then forgive her. Hope this helps! good luck!

Ya know honestly I've been struggling with that whole concept lately. Yes I know family is irreplaceable and very important. But does that mean they get to treat you however they like and you just have to take it? I am a grown woman and if I behave a certain way I expect to be held accountable for that behavior, no matter who it is directed at. You can't be mean and nasty to someone and expect to just be told it's ok. What she did to you is wrong and you have every right to demand respect for yourself, your husband, and your marriage. Just because she is your sister doesn't mean she gets a free pass to be abusive, knowing you'll have to take it because she is your sister. I'm just not sure where that line should be drawn between letting it go for the sake of family and letting yourself be a doormat for an abusive person....hhmm...

I'm in agreement with Laura, not that's what anyone is doing, but, I understand her point. My sister has caused so much drama in our family for so long, that I'm pretty much tired of it, and her behaviour, it is to the point where I can't take it anymore, and neither should anyone in my family. And I have considered just leaving her out of my life. Not completely, just so I'm not being involved in all this stressful drama. And I feel bad for it because I am her sister and I should be there for her, but there is only so much stress a person can take before they loose their mind. Talk to them, tell them how you feel, and hopefully you can come to some resolution and work it out, But do not call them and say I forgive you, if you infact don't. If you do that, you will always have that anger inside you and it will come out one day. And then the person 'you forgave' is going to be upset.

The important part of letting go of the anger is to improve your own quality of life, holding onto resentment only burns YOU. I had to cut my brother out for a while because of his destructive tendencies. There's only so long you can keep subjecting yourself to a person like that. SO I made it clear that unless he started acting right I couldn't have him in my life. After not really talking for about 3 years he finally got it and we started having a relationship again. He didn't really change things in his own life like I would have hoped, but he did stop lashing out at me in destructive ways. It's been 4 years now and he's never crossed that line with me again. So as much as not talking to my brother for 3 years sucked, it seems that's what it took to make things better between us. He was doing it because I was letting him get away with it. When I demanded respect and made it clear he had to give it or else not be in my life, he chose to give me the respect.

Aww JJ.. that makes me feel so sad for you sweetie I'm sorry that your sister and your mom and others were mean to you.. esp. the nite before your wedding!! I'm sorry.. i wish there was something all us girls here could do to make it better.. i guess you have to just look toward your future & your NEW family with your Hubby and do your best to move on. Much love,

Aimee

Well I guess I was basing my advice on me and my sisters relationship. She is not supportive of my wedding and she has said a lot of mean things to me about me and FH. I approached her at first demanding respect, telling her i did not deserve to be treated that way. And she just did not care. So I find it easier now to just tell her that she hurts me and let it go. And as a result we have grown farther apart. But I know that if I took the other road we would not even be speaking, and that would hurt me worse than the things she says to me. It's a tricky situation. =[

I would try to just let it go. Like you said, she was just jealous. Having your little sister marry before you is probably a hard thing. Unforunately, she decided to let you know how pissed she was. That was wrong. Even if she was upset, she should have put on a happy face for you. But she didn't. She is the Bi**! Not you! So just let it go. She is your sister and you're not close. It was wrong of her, but what can you do?

Thank you all so much. It helps to know I'm not the only one with bad female family members to deal with. Women can be vicious. And yet thank you all, you have shown me true kindness, sympathy, and given me very wise advice..... I should just ignore them. I might confront that sister. I'm sure she will just turn it around, be in great denial, and just behave even more immature. *sigh*

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Just letting it out, hearing your stories, and caring advice helps me a lot.