Venting: close friend bailed on my wedding VIA TEXT MESSAGE

So I text her back asking if there's a problem w/something. She says: Oh, I just need to talk to about the wedding. I reply So there's a problem with the wedding? She texts: Well, I was pricing the trip & I feel so bad but it's just too expensive, it will be like $700. I immediately text back: Well, what if we gave you like $250 since you were driving stuff for us anyway?" Her response: Oh, I could NEVER LET YOU DO THAT... & it turns out that it's like a 30 hour drive, I just can't take that much time.

So I finished my workout & didn't respond right away & of course she then texts me OH I FEEL SO BAD, can't we get a drink tonight? I told her I wasn't ignoring her, just working out, but I am swamped with grading this week. The thing is, a) I TOLD her that it was a 3-day drive! She was gung-ho to do it! b) She then made all these plans that made her an integral part of my wedding planning & I have to scramble to fix this, and c) It is not my job to make YOU feel better about this!

Yikes. Not cool.

I would have some compassion, yes she probably should have met you face to face to talk if possible, but she didnt. she might have been excited about it at first but now shes realizing just how much this trip is going to cost and how much time it will take (about a week round trip right?) you did initally say that you understood if she couldnt make it right?? and Im sure shes bummed that she wont be able to be there. Look at it from her perspective if you can.

I know exactly how you feel. I asked my cuz which is like my sister to be my MOH. She said she couldn't do it because she got laid off of work, so she wouldn't be attending either. Mind you it's the second time she turn me down. There are certain people that you expect to be at your destination wedding know matter what so I will not except the fact that she has gotten laid off especially when she is a married woman that is well taken care of by her husband. But then again just because you do for people doesn't mean they would do for you.

I agree with Shell ... and she did try to talk to you face to face. Unofrtunately, some people just can't make it to destination weddings. And if she's not a bridesmaid, it's really not her responsibility to bring stuff out to the wedding ...

Shell: That's my point--I wouldn't be upset if she had actually put some thought into this at the beginning and not committed to a support role within the wedding. Furthermore, I don't think cost really WAS her concern, because as soon as I offered to pay for part of it, she switched to a different excuse. I really hate it when people can't even be honest about a real reason for something.

@ Cabell I am so with you because I'm going through the same thing. You can't expect everyone to be at your destination wedding due to some financial status and time off of work but that's why you inform people a year ahead of time.

I think you should cut her slack. Her initial text asked if you could meet up to talk, instead you asked her to continue the conversation via text. It shows that wasnt her intent. She more than likely was very excited at the initial thought of a road trip to Vegas for your wedding but then after reality set in realized she wasnt even in the wedding, just an attendee. Money could be her reason because $250 from $700 is still about $450 or $500 so thats still expensive not to mention the time commitment. I think that you should really think of both sides before reacting.

I'm kinda on the ropes with this one, while I get she wanted to talk to you in person because she may not have intended to put you in this position, the truth is you DID give her the pro's and con's of the situation.

but it would be easier if she could just say what the real reason was.. you did offer to pay for her drive-- hmm, please come back and let us know how this one works out.

I'm like OpsieDaisy - I kinda feel both ways.

On one hand, you put everything on the plate for her. Explained the entire situation & the fact that it would be a lot of work. She continued to push and say she would come - she wanted to come AND help. That would make me pretty PO'd, too. She should have taken time to think about WHAT you said as well as what it meant to her.

On the other hand, 3 days is a LONG drive. She might not have a "roaddog" to ride with - which makes 3 days feel like 6. She may/maynot have real money problem (esp. since she refused any financial help), but $500 IS a lot of money for a single day event. SHe may even feel that with *only* a month into her part of the planning cycle that it may not be that big a deal. Of course, if she has never planned a wedding she would have NO idea that a month in wedding planning time equals out to about 3 months or more.

I think that it may be a good idea just to go grab a drink with her - after you've calmed down.

I guess I see things in a different light because I'm in the same perdicument.

When you are having a destination wedding. You let your close friends and family know immediately (a year ahead of time)to make arrangments because you want all your love ones to be there. If at the last minute you have a close friend saying they can't attend even though you are assisting them, it's a problem. Than it's more than a money issue. whenever you want to accomplish anything in life it can be done; whether are not people are willing to do it is something else.

Thanks for all the comments--I totally agree that it was a crazily long drive, and if she hadn't started making plans to help with the logistics, I would be sad, but not angry. It's not like I asked her--she offered because we were trying to figure out how to transport some things, and now I have to figure out an alternative. It really boils down to being kind of thoughtless about how her actions were affecting other people--and this is something that is a recurring problem with her, I think. When I told FH, his reaction was basically, "Well... we shouldn't really be surprised."

The other thing is that it's annoying to have someone put you in a position like this and then immediately start pushing for you make them feel better about it. When people pull stuff like this, I *really* need my space before I can deal with them. Like you said, MrsJoseph, after I've calmed down.

I think if you are going to accept something that is this big of a deal to someone (wedding) you need to keep your word. She said she would come. Cabell even warned her it would be a long drive, a few times! This is not like cancelling a hair appointment! This is the biggest day of someones life, and if you say you will be there, don't let the person down! I would be peeved.

Betty: I should note that we did NOT let anyone know a year in advance. We got officially engaged about a month ago, and we are getting married in May. I specifically told everyone I invited that I completely understood if they couldn't make it. I did, however, ask everyone to RSVP with a firm answer by March 31st at the latest, because we need the headcount. I know it didn't give them much time, but again, the whole thing here was that even with me telling her it would be a huge ordeal, she was insistent that no, she was absolutely coming.

Ginalynn: That's basically how I feel about it. In general, it's a big peeve of mine when people offer to do something and then bail on it. It's not like anyone OWES me a favor, but if you're not sure that you can do it, don't offer it!

@ Ginalynn Well said!!!!

Tell her to pop some Valium and get on a plane :o)

Cabell, you are absolutely right. I hope everything works out for you and don't sweat it too much. The way I see things, at this point, she is not really important. Enjoy planning for your big day! Don't let her get you down.

@Betty B, Thanks!

@ Ginalynn ur welcome!

@ Cabell Okay, but she still shouldn't have been so adament to go. I guess it's only me but when you have a true friend and there getting married I don't think money should be an issue because where there is a will there is a way. It's called sacrifice expecially when ur willing to help.

But you should talk to her to let out ur steam because I intend to do the same.

@ Potters LOL!!!!

She doesn't want to go to the wedding, hate to tell you. she's looking for an 'out' or excuse. tell her she doesn't have to be a BM, you will invite her as a guest, and if she can't attend, too bad so sad. your true friends will make the effort to be there and stand up in your wedding. if she's not willing to do that even tho you offered financial help, you gotta leave her out.

I think in her excitement, she agreed too quickly without thoroughly thinking it through...she sounds as though she really wanted to do this initially...give her a break and try to work something out..if not workable, don't let it end your friendship.