Very rude invitations (brother's wedding)

This discussion is rather hard to read because at points you refer to this as your sister's wedding and others you refer to it as your brother's wedding, but I am assuming you mean it's your brother's wedding.

Regardless, it seems like you are just overthinking everything because you are unhappy with the current situation. From reading this, it sounds like you spoke with your parents about staying at his condo when you should've spoken directly with your brother. It also sounds like he had no clue you planned on bringing your dog with you. Before you ever made any plans to bring along your pet you should've confirmed those plans with your brother. He has every right to ask you to find different accommodations when you showed up with a dog that he didn't give the okay to stay at his place. If he would've known you were bringing the dog then I'm sure he probably would've never said you were okay to stay at his place. It is on you for not communicating that with your brother. It is also your responsibility to pay for your accommodations. It isn't up to him to provide accommodations. It was nice of him to offer to allow you to stay at his place, but he wasn't required to do so. Nor is it his responsibility to find and pay for a hotel for you, your boyfriend and your dog.

It is also highly likely that your soon to be sister-in-law thought that you weren't interested in making the trip because it doesn't sound like your close to your family especially your brother. She probably also figured it would be expensive for you to travel so that also probably played into her not thinking to invite you in the first place. I also don't see how a mailed invitation to a wedding could be seen as insincere. Invitations usually have pretty standard straight forward language inviting the person/couple to the wedding. I think you're overthinking it.

I also don't think your brother and sooner to be sister-in-law should be expected to thank you for taking the time and money to attend. It was completely your choice. When you agreed to attend you knew what all that would include and you still agreed to attend. All they did was plan the wedding where they live and invite you. If you didn't want to spend the money or time to attend then you could've declined. I'm sure they would've understood.

At this point, I think it would be extremely petty for you to refuse to attend and not give them a gift. I think you need to get over this and accept that you are responsible for the fact that you now have to find somewhere to stay because you brought along a dog without asking first.

To answer your question, it's common in western culture for guests to pay for their own accommodations/flight/hotel/attire/etc. Gifts are always optional, especially if you are spending a lot to travel to the wedding. It sounds like there was a miscommunication with your parents and coordinating the accommodations - I would go ahead and book your own hotel ahead of time for the wedding (should you decide to go).

In Western culture, the guest makes and pays for all travel arrangements. Also, it is inappropriate to assume pets and children are welcome everywhere without permission from the host ahead of time. As you are taken aback by the late notice in your change of plans, your brother may be similarly by your pet. Texting also is a short conversation so your brother is to the point, Toronto is indeed a large city to choose pet-friendly hotels. Expect that all wedding week conversations via text will be short and/or delayed because this is an emotional and busy time for the couple.


Moreover, if you are in NY for the week before the wedding, he may assume you added a vacation on top of the wedding invitation and his wedding is secondary to your other plans. If you want to be closer, accept your brother doesn't owe you an apology. He even tried to house you at one of the busiest, most stressful times in his life. Google a new hotel and consider texting you hope to spend time with them before the wedding. You're there to support them afterall, not get credit with your parents for showing at a wedding of someone you're not close to. Who knows, maybe you'll get to know each other and become friends.

Also, in Western culture, gifting is always optional particularly for guests who give much time and financial investment to travel long distances. You can bring a simple Wedding card to the wedding imparting well wishes.

Sounds like your mother overstepped by inviting you to stay at your brothers. You showed up with a dog, and therefore you can't stay there. I'm not sure what your brother can do about that. It is your responsibility to cover your accommodation when you attend a wedding in western culture, as everyone has said. Search up pet friendly hotels or air bob's.

I don't know what your brother needs to apologize for.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for your reply. But he already knew I am bringing my pet to Toronto. It was not surprise.

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Well for whatever reason it didn't work out. Did you have a direct discussion with him about staying at his guest condo or just with your mom? It sounded like the idea/invitation came from your mom.

What makes you think the invitation was insincere?

It's not up to your mother to assume you can stay with your brother the week of his wedding with or without your dog. It was inconsiderate no to check with him first. That invitation should have come from him. Accommodations are likewise your responsibility as a guest. They are supposed to be provided or covered if you are In the wedding party but unfortunately very few people know or follow that rule these days.

What to spend on a gift should be reflection of the relationship and your budget. Travel expenses are more a function of your ability to attend in the first place. If you are moved to give something but are tight for money right now, you technically have a year to send a wedding gift. Traditionally gifts are voluntary, but customary. For a brother, I'd want to mark the occasion within my budget, even if it's something modest.

Did your brother give a reason for you not being able to stay at his guest condo?

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"not to check with him first" and "should be a reflection"

Typing too fast!

I appreciate many people's opinions. The first time I messaged him to confirm my mom's statement that we could stay at the condo guesthouse, he just said no and then said ”what do you want from me?” rude statement to me. I expected get some comment like thank you for coming long way or hello how are you ? Even casual greeting for making the long trip. We hadn't seen each other in 10 years, and he knew I had to bring the dog.

If it’s the week of the wedding and you had not contacted him before this or made any arrangements, I’m assuming he felt pressured and annoyed you didn’t discuss or confirm any of this with him well before this.


When was this wedding invitation actually sent to you? Were you meant to be invited in the first place? Was your brother’s reaction to your asking about staying with him the reason you feel the wedding invitation insincere or was that from something that happened before?

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Well it sounds like he was not the person that initiated that invitation for you to stay in the condo. I can see how you feel, but honestly I think I would have confirmed long ago that you could indeed stay. Your mom sounds like she's overstepped hugely here by arranging that without the consent of your brother.

Were you actually invited to the wedding in the first place? Like did you get an invitation, or was this a last minute thing due to your parents intervening? Sounds like they may have overstepped there too.

Either way, I don't think he owes you for making the trip out to Toronto. I would find pet friendly accommodation on your own.

View Quoted Comment I got invitation email and message 3month ago. Yes I booked hotel. Now I am tighten to offer wedding gift money to my brother.

View Quoted Comment Wedding invitation were sent july and I confirmed in Sept that we are coming with my dog.

View Quoted Comment I felt bad bc he never said casual greeting or appreciation word. He said I can leave my dog but lastminute he now say I cant without explain the reason. Always like this. I asked him he still wants me to come and he answered yes.

So if I am understanding all your responses correctly, you were invited to the wedding in July, you confirmed with your brother in September that you would be attending the wedding, and your brother told you it was ok for you to stay in his guest condo with your dog?

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Is there any negative history between you? While it certainly would have been nice to express excitement and appreciation when he heard you were making such a big trip If he's "always" like this it's also possible that he's not the most considerate in social situations. You know him best.