Vow Renewal Etiquette???

I don't think there are any rules for it, just personal preference. I've never been to a vow renewal, but if I did, I would rather it be an anniversary party with the couple getting up to renew their vows. I find second full-blown weddings (with an aisle, bridesmaids, etc.) weird - like it's more about showing off than celebrating the vows.

I came across this...

http://www.idostill.com/planning/traditions-etiquette/vow-renewals-basics/

Bottom line, do what you want not what other people say is appropriate or what you should do. This way you will have no regrets.

First of all, congratulations on 11 happy years of marriage. We can tell you what the generally accepted etiquette rules are, but who knows what they will look like in four years (especially as the vow renewal trend continues to grow).

I've seen vow renewals that are absolutely indistinguishable from weddings. I could go through all of the elements, but that would take two paragraphs. Suffice it say that they look like every other big white wedding with a rehearsal dinner, full bridal party, first looks, limos, gown and veil, wedding cake, full reception, etc. You can do that if you want, but honestly, I'd use a very light hand when implementing some of the conventional wedding traditions. For example, I really don't understand the "giving away" part. You will have been married to this man for 15 years by the time this renewal happens, so I'm not sure why you'd want your father to give you away. If you want to honor your father, there are ways to do that -- perhaps a toast or a speech. We have seen posts from guests of renewals (that closely followed the conventional wedding prototype) saying that some of the elements looked rather staged. I'd suggest you either walk the aisle together or walk the aisle alone. But, that's just my opinion.

Honestly, one of the nicest renewals I saw was done by a former WW poster (a year ago, in fact). She had planned her big, white wedding in 2004. Circumstances radically and unexpectedly changed for them, and they found themselves faced with the option of going into debt to pull off their big wedding or scaling it back to something very intimate. They went the intimate route. Her photos were beautiful. She wore her gown and veil, carried a bouquet and she and her husband were married at a beach house. The guests included their best friends, the bride's father, and the pastor. They had a lovely catered meal on the veranda and shared a wedding cake. Ten years later, they were very established in their careers (and had the money to spend on a great renewal celebration). They sent out printed invitations for a ceremony/reception at an upscale hotel, she had a gown custom made -- bridal, but not conventional bridal, carried a bouquet, he wore a tux, they hired lots of professional vendors (DJ, photographer, videographer, caterer), had an open bar, served an amazing meal, and had about 50 guests in attendance. He also bought her a gorgeous ring. She skipped the BMs and she walked the aisle alone. She made it very clear that this wasn't a wedding -- it was a vow renewal. True, she incorporated wedding elements, but it was obvious that they weren't trying to redo their wedding (something that really isn't possible). Rather, they were sharing their married joy with their nearest and dearest, and they were taking it beyond an anniversary party. Her video brought tears to my eyes. I loved the words they spoke to each other, the raw emotion in their eyes, and the photos of a great party. I think she threw a prototype for renewal ceremonies. As wonderful as it was, about 1/3 of the invited guests chose not to attend (their loss -- it looked like a great event to me). Be prepared for that -- especially if the guests have to travel -- it does happen.

I personally believe that a wedding and a vow renewal are two different things (and every couple has every right to do one, the other, or both). To me, a wedding is about a couple's hope for the future, whereas a vow renewal is about celebrating the fact that the couple's initial hope was well placed, has been tested, and found true.

Vow renewals are fairly new (as far as I can tell) and there doesn't seem to be a lot of hard-set rules around it. I just would NOT expect many gifts-- already people have 'everything the need' when they get married, cause so few people are setting up a new home, and I would assume it's even more the case for a vow renewal, where people have been married for some time.

IMO, so long as you go at with the attitude you seem to have of wanting to do things the right way you should be golden. Just make sure people have a great time and enjoy the day yourselves.

Aw thanks for the feedback! @The Centerpiece Flowers...I LOVE that idea! What a wonderful way to celebrate!? Well, I've started a wedding fund (so we can save at a modest rate) and we'll see what feels right when the time comes! Thanks again!

As a general rule, good manners are unchanging, regardless of the reason for holding a social event -- even if the reason is a wedding. In practice though, a lot of things take place at weddings that are in rather dubious taste, and are accepted only because society is indulgent toward new brides. Society is less indulgent toward experienced brides, so you will want to avoid those practices that are in dubious taste: deliberately showing up your guests by over-dressing for the occasion, pretending to live in some different estate than you actually live, showing any expectation of material gain or accepting charity, and so on.

Within those limits, you may hold whatever sort of event you wish. If you hold a formal ball, then you can wear an ornate formal ball-gown. It probably should not be white, since that is the colour of debutants' gowns and young girls' Sunday best, and a wife of fifteen years is hardly a debutant or a young girl. If your event is not a ball, then you should restrict yourself to a formal dinner-dress, and if it is a less formal event then you should wear an appropriately less formal dress.

You should process down the aisle with your husband, since you are already an established social couple, and aren't pretending to be an unmarried daughter being given away. You may certainly have your friends stand up to show their support you -- marriages only survive if your community of choice supports them. Consider having them stand up as couples supporting the two of you as a couple, rather than as bridesmaids who support the bride (which you are not; you are a wife) and groomsmen who support the groom (ditto). At this stage in your marriage true friends will support the two of you as a couple.

Some people will tell you that you cannot have formal invitations, a veil, or a towering wedding cake. I say, nuts to them. Formal invitations are appropriate for any formal event. Issue the invitations in your own name together with your husband: you are an established couple and it is appropriate for the two of you to act as hosts together. In some cultures, a veil is the symbol of maidenhood, but in most cultures it is simply the symbol of modest womanhood -- and in Celtic culture, it is the symbol of a wife (traditional Celtic brides wear a wreath of flowers over their loose hair, unbound hair being the Celtic symbol of maidenhood). So if you want a veil, feel free. Cake is always appropriate at a party. At the most formal parties, the host and hostess ceremonially serve the showcase course to their guests, so it is entirely proper for you to cut the first slice of cake together -- but it will go to your guest of honour rather than serving as a ceremonial "first meal" for the two of you. As good hosts, you will be served last, not first. If you are having a dance, then you and your husband can have the first dance -- it is not your "first dance" as a couple, but it is the first dance of the evening and for a formal event the hosts are always supposed to "open the floor" by dancing alone at least the first part of the first dance.

As far as "gift" registries go, there ought to be no such thing; and you should never be involved in planning a shower for yourself. A shower carries with it the presupposition that you need your friends' help to set up housekeeping, so we can hope none of your friends will suggest that such a thing is appropriate when you've been keeping house for fifteen years. However, if you have chosen a fine china pattern for your household, and/or crystal and/or silver, it is your own business if you choose to register those patterns at a department store, with the intention of collecting them for yourself over the years to come. And if guests whom you have previously entertained remember what your patterns are, and are moved to give you a gift, it is entirely appropriate for them to choose gifts that will add to your household's heirloom-quality equipment.

You may certainly have a photographer present, but try to have the photos taken during the ceremony and reception rather than during a gap between the two, so that you are present to greet your guests at the door when they arrive as a good hostess should. Similarly, you may certainly have a honeymoon, and probably should since it is a wonderfully relaxing bonding time for a husband and wife after all the hard work of planning the vow renewal and reception. But you should leave after all of your guests have departed rather than making a "grand exit", since a hostess should be present to receive her guests' thanks for the evening and thank them in return for their company.

@Aspacia Phipps: thank you for the cultural/social perspective. I agree, our goal is to celebrate our love with friends/family instead of trying to grasp some nostalgic but temporary (and expensive) feeling. We've learned to strive towards authentic happiness versus putting on a show (referring to the vow renewal and life in general). The event will likely be more formal but still welcoming and FUN! I think ill create some type of slide show presentation with pictures and videos so guests can see how they've supprted us in each phase (college, parenthood, vacations, etc) I'm sure this will generate laughter, memories...and maybe a few less forgiving photos Can't wait to celebrate in our own unique way!

My husband and I renewed our wedding vows after 1 year lots of trials the 1st year. A church, pastor, my mom an her boyfriend. Renewed again on 25 years, my mom, our daughter, pastor renewed our VOWS and these vows were on point for all we have been through. Very simple. I've seen other wedding vow renewal services that are specifically for vow renewal. I know a couple renewing their vows 11 years. But are making it as a full blown wedding because they eloped. Not sure about this one. But your comments listed here are very helpful.