Vows in private vs during ceremony

I love the idea of doing vows in private (maybe during the first look)! Especially if either person is shy or uncomfortable speaking in front of a lot of people. If you go this route, I would maybe do the "repeat after me" vows or the vows that you only need to reply with "I do" during the ceremony, and the personal vows spoken outside of the ceremony.

View Quoted Comment Now do you tell your officiant that you wanna do the vows in private? I’m super shy and am having a small wedding but still don’t want to say them in front of everyone.

View Quoted Comment I would definitely let your officiant know ahead of time if you prefer to do the vows in private. You might still want your officiant present for the private vows too, but otherwise, they can work the "repeat after me" or "I do" vows into the ceremony script.

My fiancé detests public speaking, so we are going to write our personal vows to one another in a letter, and read them privately (separately) while we are getting ready. Then we will do the traditional “repeat after me” vows during the ceremony.

One thing we considered was reading our personal vows to each other during our first look, then either reading them again in front of everyone now that we had essentially gotten a chance to practice them, or just doing repeat after me vows. FH isn't big on big crowds, so we were exploring ways to take the stress out of what he feels is a very intimate moment.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!

View Quoted Comment That’s probably what I’ll do also. Even though everyone at the ceremony is close family I still don’t like speaking in front of them lol. I’m super awkward about it

View Quoted Comment Yes! I think it’s a very intimate and personal experience and I wanted it to be special and to me in private together or separate is better

View Quoted Comment My fiancé feels the same way. I think doing it this way truly is the best of both worlds- you get to express your feelings to one another without having to say them out loud or “on display” in front of others. Plus, I think reading them alone will just make me even more excited to finally see him at the aisle!

View Quoted Comment You make a good point about doing them separate! Thanks!

We're writing our personal vows to each other to read, neither of us likes the idea of publicly speaking them, and I know I'll already be too emotional during a first look to try to say them then. So writing them as a personal letter to each other is what works for us. We're just going to do the traditional repeating vows during the ceremony.

Because vows go hand in hand with the declaration of intent that you are both entering the marriage of your own free will, some type of verbiage is considered to be required during the ceremony for it to be legally binding, otherwise you are wasting the officiant’s time. While some states are different, most require something to be said publicly, even it’s just the repeated vows. Talk to the officiant to see what they are able to do.

Either or! It just depends on you and your FH. I don't mind speaking in front of a crowd. My husband is a little more shy. We compromised and had his cousin who was also our officiant say our vows for us. If you did it in private you can do it for a first look type thing. This is definitely more intimate if that is what you are going for.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. The vows are literally the ceremony. They’re what Marry you. To do them in private makes the ceremony with guests in attendance pointless. If you’re not comfortable with personalized vows, don’t do them. They not mandatory.
My cousin and his wife personalized their repeat after me vows. They were short and beautiful and didn’t require the intimacy that most personalized vows do. You could always write each other a love note like PP suggested. But vows have to be a part of the ceremony.

View Quoted Comment I’m not saying not to do the vows at all but to do the more intimate ones in private… we would obviously still do the repeat after me ones during the ceremony…

View Quoted Comment I guess I should clarify… I’m talking about the personal inmate vows that we wrote to each other to do in private… I know that the ceremony is supposed to be your vows because that’s basically marrying you…. We would obviously do the repeat after me vows. I just was thinking about doing the personal written ones in private….

I am not a big fan of public speaking. I was so nervous when I read my vows. So for our vow renewal, we will be renewing our vows and exchanging rings in private (shortly after the first look). For the actual ceremony, we will do a unity ritual.

View Quoted Comment What is a unity ritual?

View Quoted Comment Something that is done to symbolize two family’s or the couple becoming one. Some couples do a candle ceremony, are tied together by rope, pour sand into a vase, drink water at the same time from a special case, or assemble something. Some people consider exchanging rings as a symbol of their union. My friend had their rings passed around so everyone could offer a prayer or good wishes before they put them on. People do so many different things.

I am doing a first look/private vows too! I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to share that moment alone with the person you are about to marry. Its 2022 and marriages DO NOT need to be so traditional. I do fully understand that some older individuals have a one track mind in regards to marriage so if something is out of the ordinary, they are against it. At the end of the day, IT IS YOUR DAY. You get to decide what is most comfortable for you!