Wanting different things....

Thank you for all the support everyone. I like the idea of having an end goal for long distance. Earlier he suggested "trying it out together in his hometown" but yesterday he was more honest in knowing that it wouldn't work out for me, because he said "why not try it out and if it doesn't work for you we can find a way to get you back to the city." I know we can't always get everything that we want. But family has always had a pull. I told him this morning that I feel so broken and empty because I'm so afraid that we won't be able to make this work and that what we had was only ever going to be a short lived thing. That made him cry. He never ever cried or got upset during these conversations but I did. I feel like he doesn't get upset because he doesn't really have anything to lose by moving.

If he got upset, then maybe there is something to lose, YOU. Sounds like family may be important, but you could be just as.
Take time, talk it out, set an end goal and if you are strong enough to try, then by all means, try. Wishing the best for you

View Quoted Comment I mean I definitely want to try and work it out. He normally is an amazing person and partner. He has never treated me poorly. He and I both want each other and our jobs, but only one of us can have both, or neither of us can have both.

View Quoted Comment If there’s a will, there’s always a way.

View Quoted Comment That is true. Thank you again to everyone for all the support. I’ll keep you updated as things evolve. We plan to make a pros and cons list tonight

I agree with the previous comments that you both need to sit down to have a very serious conversation. Neither of you want to split up but I struggle to see how your relationship will survive long distance when he intends this move to be indefinite and there is no clear time frame as to when things would return to normalcy and you can be a full time couple.

He has made this decision without you which is problematic as it is a HUGE decision that affects the both of you. I think you need to be open and honest with him that his decision will require big sacrifices from you. Your career and your friends are completely valid reasons to stay put and the two of you have planted your roots in the city.

Ultimately I struggle to see how this relationship will survive without the two of you in the same location so I wish you all the best in talking to him about it!

I think he's being very clear about what he wants and who is first in his life.

I'm sorry.

I also asked him "what would you do if you lost me over this?" He got really upset and said "I don't think that's a road that I can go down"

View Quoted Comment We’ve talked about this for the last 3 days. We get nowhere. I get so upset each and every time. He tells me that I’m selfish for choosing a job over supporting him and his desire to take care of his dad which is so valiant and noble to him. He tells me I’m wrong in thinking that two people are supposed to build a life together away from family, because I grew up with a messed up view of family. When I asked him what he would do if I told him I won’t move back to his hometown he said “then long distance it is” he also admitted that he’s “not okay with giving up the quality time of living together but he’s willing to” and he so badly wants me to just try to move to his hometown for a year or two and if it doesn’t work that we’ll find a way to get me back into the city. He said he’s not wavering on moving back there at the end of our lease (which is in June). I’m just so broken. This person was so caring and considerate and adventurous. Now all of a sudden family takes the one and only priority.

Unfortunately, it sounds like neither of you are willing to compromise here and that will likely not change. Even if you did decide to move with him or vice versa, youd end up resenting each other for it. I have done long distance, and my now husband and I both agree it made us stronger as a couple and it worked for us. But I’m not sure it would work as an engaged couple because once youre married youll have to pick a place to live.


Is there a halfway point you could move to? Honestly, I think he should move with you because your motive is your job, and he can visit family whenever. But if this is something you cant get past, you may have to re-evaluate the relationship

View Quoted Comment I wish there was a half way point. His hometown is 4 hours from where we currently live. Yesterday he said that he has always had an obligation to take care of his dad, even before he met me. But it was never talked about... and now it’s too late

Well... I have reached out to a therapist. I'm going to tell Zac and if he's on board he's more than welcome to join. If not, I'll gladly go alone.

View Quoted Comment This is good. I truly hope he is willing to go with you and fight for your relationship. But please recognize that if he is not willing to go you will have to make some very hard choices because he is not willing to fight for your relationship. You need to take care of you. Your needs are just as important as his and, as you’ve said, you’ve already made the sacrifice once.

View Quoted Comment I'm sorry.
He's making a lot of judgment calls about values, upbringing, and so on here.

Either something changed at home that you don't know about, or he is showing some true colors.
And as someone whose parents are divorced, and lives thousands of miles from her family... personally, I find his words a little... unconsiderate.
And HE'S selfish for expecting you to give up a dream job!

View Quoted Comment There are so many red flags here and I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you're serving therapy and I hope he chooses to go with you for couples counseling.


You've mentioned before that he seems to think you can just go looking distance if you try it for a year or two but that's actually worse- if you've tried it and can't do it, then that proves the long distance would be permanent and that isn't ever going to work. Long distance is only ever a temporary condition.
Obviously I don't know either of you personally nor do I know the future, and I'm so sorry to say but it sounds like this relationship has run its course. He is expecting a lot from you, without returning the favor, is unwilling to compromise, and has different family values (it seemsm.) There's a lot more I could type but I'll stop there. I wish you good luck and I hope it all works out ❤

View Quoted Comment I called his best friend, our best man. He’s very much like Zac, level headed, calm and logical. I knew he wouldn’t take sides. But he was very surprised to learn of this decision making conviction. He doesn’t feel like Zac is ready to understand me for some reason. Or like someone said before, something happened at home that I don’t know about. But he said not to panic just yet because there’s still time before the lease is up. But he did mention that Zac is being very stubborn and inconsiderate.

Where did you two meet? I could understand his side if you met him in his hometown bc you both lived there at one point. If that's not the case then he clearly isn't putting his upcoming marriage as a top priority. Idc what anyone says: spouses come before family. Sounds like he made his mind up and he's not compromising. If you feel like he has tunnel around his family then it will only get worse after you're married.

View Quoted Comment Kell,


I feel so relieved to know that you have the same opinion. That spouses come before family. But no we did not meet there. We met in college. I also have a plan: I’m going to buy a house at the end of our lease. With or without him. I’m in the process of figuring out if I qualify to donate eggs. I could also donate plasma and bone marrow if I have to. I found a house I am interested in touring. I plan to show him this house and Hopefully the conversation doesn’t go south.
BUT!!!! He is still being very wishy washy. Because he will tell me with such conviction that he’s moving back at the end of the lease. But a week later he tells his brother “I don’t know what I’m doing yet” so I can clearly tell that there isn’t a full 1000% commitment on this...

View Quoted Comment It shouldn't take a person 6 years to figure out what they're doing. I recommend you do you girl. Look into buying a house that you can afford on just your income.

View Quoted Comment

I haven't mentioned it in this post but I am really stressing out at work too. My boss is a walking nightmare. If teachers question her, try to hold her accountable or try to go above her with their concerns, they get fired. Three of us even got written up for "gossiping" and one was told "You're gossiping makes a hostile work environment for everyone else" I love my job so much more than I can describe. So we are trying to be strategic in removing this woman from her position in leadership. It's very upsetting to have to deal with and my fiancé can't even support me in fighting this fight. Last week he said "Im going to sabotage you so you get fired so you can stop b********g" and last night he said "I don't know why I still care about this because in a year's time I will be back in my hometown and this won't even matter to me anymore" I couldn't take it, not that. So I called him out on why he tells me he is moving back with such conviction yet he tells his family "I don't know what I'm doing yet" he responded with the fact that it is confusing and he has to "go over the top with me" for some reason, I just dont remember it. And he has yet to have some big conversations with his siblings about moving back before he does. Then I stood up for myself and told him "Well you might wanna start having those soon because I found a house that I want to buy with or without you" somewhere else in this conversation he said that the thought of losing me over this is absolutely terrifying to him and yet in the same conversation he can tell me that he "thinks less of me for not supporting him" I have never been so confused in all my life. When it rains it pours I guess and theres no end in sight yet.