Ways to include difficult mother of the groom

Yikes. You and you FH need to stand up for yourselves instead of letting them walk all over you. Its hard but this wedding is about you and your FH. If your FMIL wants to throw tantrums let her. She's a grown adult, she can get over it.

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Thank you for saying this. Too often with his family, it's about just appeasing her to avoid conflict. But that isn't a fair way to have to handle this specific day because it's not really about her.

You both need to stop giving in to her. She is acting like a child throwing a tantrum no matter how you try to please her all because she is desperate for attention. You and your fiance need to put your foot down and set some hard boundaries with her. Put her in her place now or forever deal with her behavior the rest of her life. If you end up having kids she will do this at all the kid events, birthday parties, baby showers, holidays. She knows all she has to do is throw a tantrum and you give her her way so she will not stop until you stop giving in. And like I said this isn't going to end when the wedding is done and over with. This will be your life if you let it. My mother in law was like this in the beginning of wedding planning, we finally put her in her place and because if it we had a great wedding.

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It's so funny that you said this because we were just talking the other night about how this is just the beginning. She'll always be like this and probably worse when kids are involved. I am a natural people pleaser and I think it's going to ruin the day for me if I don't start being a little more forceful about boundaries. It's always been said to me that the bride and her family take the lead where most of these things are concerned. I wanted to include her more but that just seems impossible without creating different issues.

Sounds like you're in a no win situation. I think having her do things that won't impact your day should they not get done or not to your liking, like the flower crowns and photo booth props, is the best way to go. Maybe she can make something that can be used as the guest book? Good luck!

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Thank you so much, Sharon. I never even thought of the guestbook! That would be a great option

Yeah, you guys definitely need to shut her down now. The fact that you've been giving into her means that she knows she can do this to get her way. It's not her day and she's not obligated to have things that she can "point out to people". Since she's that self-centered I wouldn't include her in much of anything. Overall though, you need to stop giving her things to do. If she complains then you stop her, if she doesn't stop you leave, You may even want to just stop giving her information about the wedding. My MIL tried lying at the beginning of our planning process to get her way so she got herself cut off from planning conversations. I haven't had a single issue with her since.

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Hi Jessi, this seems like what has to happen. I can't wrap my head around how she can still be so unhappy when she said all she wanted was to be included. It seems like this is more about control and self-validation than being part of a team or even a family at this point. I am going to have to build a wall here.

View Quoted Comment You wouldn't give a kid their way if they were throwing a tantrum in the store, you would hopefully punish them. Now you may not be able to put a full grown adult in timeout like you would a kid, but you can definitely cut her completely out of all wedding planning until she grows up and starts acting right. I'd tell her that if she wants to act like a child and throw tantrums then she will not have anything to do with the wedding. Yes she is going to be pissed but you have to suffer through it in order to see results.

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I see you mentioned also that you figure she'll do the same when it comes to kids and your family's life as you grow. If you can start setting those boundaries now it'll be so much easier to maintain them later on. you and your fiancé need to be a united front against her and he needs to help enforce them as well. If she wants to be a part of your life in a good way she will change, that's what I've experienced so far with my own mother in law. Good luck! I know it's super hard to do, but it'll feel so good in the long run.

View Quoted Comment I'm also a people pleaser just like you. And that's why in the beginning of our wedding planning we kept giving in to her, but she only got worst and more demanding of how she wanted our day to go. She even tried to dictate our guest list. Eventually though my husband and I had to realize that we could not let her behavior go on. And yes she was pissed but me and him got through it and she actually started to come around and towards the end of wedding planning we let her help and even allowed her to invite some of her friends.

Yikes. You both need to set and maintain boundaries with consequences as a team. Do not cave to her demands and tantrums or reward them in any way by giving them attention. Let her know that she will be a guest only and she needs to be on her best behavior at all times. Do not give her tasks because she is is not the type from your description to care about you or follow through. If you don’t stop her behavior now with boundaries and related consequences, she will be much worse after the wedding dictating your lives in a way where she is front and center of attention at all times. No one needs to spend their marriage being on pins and needles.

You don't. You're in a lose lose anyway, so don't put up with her nonsense.


Anyone who suggested that my sibling, half or full, not be invited to the wedding to cut costs would get disinvited themselves and have no more relationship with me.
Start setting boundaries now. If she asks, say it's handled. No explanation. No justification.

First, I would give her visible but unnecessary tasks. For my friend's wedding, she had her mother-in-law find and design custom cocktail napkins for them. I also agree with the previous poster about the guestbook. She sounds like the perfect person to have post up next to the guestbook and encourage people to sign it.

For the relationship going forward, I recently read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults." It gave me a ton of insight into how my own mother operates. I'm also in the process of reading "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" that might be a good read for your situation as well.

At the end of the day, you can't control or predict how she reacts to your boundaries.

You have both a FMIL problem and a FH problem. He will need to learn to stand up to her vs appeasing her. The sooner the better.

Stop discussing wedding planning with her. When she asks something say "thanks but we have that handled", or "we're handling that on our end". If you feel like giving her a small job, fine.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

I think you are asking the wrong question (how to include her) when you should really be asking, "How do my future spouse and I set boundaries, protect our relationship, and learn to work as a team?"

Your future spouse and his mother do not get along, so why on earth would you be expected to do more than he is doing? He needs to learn to manage his relationship with her now (you can help him but you can't do this for him) or this is going to affect way more than just wedding planning.

I agree with what everyone else is saying. But with a caveat.

I think you should text her a very nice message and thank her for all her work on blocking the hotel and making the flower girl headbands, but that you're all done with projects for now! But if you think of anything, you'll let her know. Now you just want her to enjoy the wedding day and being with family.

This sets the boundary that she doesn't need to be involved anymore, you're all done, but also appeases her need for praise (which sounds very unhealthy, btw).

Just make sure you and your FH don't talk about it with her anymore. Will probably make your life incredibly easier!

PS. I have a lot of mentally unhealthy family members. I always kill with kindness. But everyone is right, setting boundaries and just telling her you're done with stuff is the only way you can teach her. If she keeps going, I would let her know that coming up with tasks is stressful for you both, and if she thinks of anything she could make it and bring it to the venue?

Ooof.
I’ll be honest - she is going to cause trouble anyway, so why add the stress of thinking of the perfect task for her, she’ll keep pushing. The point of her behavior is to center herself and keep everyone walking on eggshells around her.
If it were me, I would: 1. Stop talking about the wedding around her. 2. Say “We’ve got it handled, thanks.” whenever she brings it up.3. This is key - when she balks, END the conversation. “We are not discussing this” Then hang up/stop replying to texts/leave the house/room. This will take planning - do not go anywhere you rely on her for transport, or can’t leave her. 4. It will get worse before it gets better. Treat her like a toddler who needs a nap. Don’t give any quarter. Smile, say the words pleasantly and follow through. 5. Do not talk to anyone who intercedes for her. She will send flying monkeys. They will have food intentions, or still be stuck in the position of pacifying her. If you and FH are not a united front, none of this will work and she will be a problem forever.

If you are going lose the battle either way, I don’t see the point in even trying to please her. I’d try to nip her behavior in the butt now before she controls your life. Good luck.

I'm only going to say I wholeheartedly agree with ALL the pps who are telling you to set your hard boundaries NOW and then hold them firm. Also, 99% of this should be on your FH -- his family, his responsibility to resolve -- her dragging you into the middle of every one of her petty issues is exactly what she wants, another person in her drama is another person focused on HER and HER wants AND it's an opportunity for her to create friction between you and FH. Someone above said you have as much a FH issue as a FMIL issue, and I agree. The two of you should have a clear discussion regarding how you want your relationship with her to work now and in the future, and then he should have the primary responsibility for communicating that to her and establishing/maintaining the boundaries you set. If that's hard for the two of you to do, I strongly suggest couples counseling. As others have said, she is behaving exactly like a difficult toddler, so the more you give in, the more you are reinforcing/rewarding this behavior and the more it will continue. Don't "feed the monster" or it will NEVER change. Good luck to you -- it sounds like you need it!