Wedding Gift Giving… An Eye for an Eye?

Not married or showered but we always gift depending on our budget. For xmas the inlaws gave us a card with movie tickets in it that were expired. We still gifted them a $50 gift. I should mention we get movie tickets every year and they expire before we have a chance to use them

So, here are my thoughts:

If a couple came to my wedding and say gave us $100 or more, I would gift them the same amount of money IF the wedding was within the same year. If it wasn't around the same time I would probably see how far we have to travel, check out the venue etc, but will most likely give at least $100.

If a couple came to my wedding and gifted (again if their wedding was the same year, if not see 1st thought) $50, I would think about how close am I to them, was the amount appropriate, do we know they have the means. And make my decision to gift the same or bump up to the $100.

Anything under $50 I would probably roll my eyes (yeah yeah call me a bitch I don't care) and think it was a bit ridiculous and see thoughts 1 and 2 to see how much I should gift them.

I would pick something out you want to give for the shower. I have the means to give people much more than a $10 gift, so I would. However I know some people just don't and are on a tight budget and maybe that's what they could give at the time. But, personally (again the bitch side of me), if I KNEW they could afford more than $10 and just didn't I would probably get them something really nice, over the top, just to be showy. hahaha

Sorry that might not help if you're a really nice person lol.

I haven't had my shower yet, but I would totally be tempted to reciprocate. I think in the end I would gift what I could, regardless. And I know a few people who really can't do much, so I couldn't hold that against them.

@Jillian - That's where I got lost: Do I give them something equal in value to what they gave me or do I go above and beyond to prove a point. I'm glad I'm not the only one who had it cross their mind...

If you have the means I would go above and beyond.

I usually gift what I asusme they've paid for my plate. At a wedding that's anywhere from $75-$150. My FH gave a friend $300 between the 2 of us. If your friends gave you nothing o wouldn't give them $100 back. A small shower gift and maybe whatever you think is worthy for the wedding. A gift card, $50 or nothing and call it even. Zero anything is cheap, we're adults and they should've given you something. I wouldn't go out of my way for them if they couldn't for you

Unless i can't stand the couple (at which point, would I be going to their wedding at all?), I actually don't base my gift amount on what they gave me. I operate under the assumption that people have different resources than I do. Although, I did side eye the amount spent by one of my husband's friends until he slapped me back into reality by reminding me that they bought plane tickets and a hotel stay to come to our wedding.

I did not have a shower, though, and our wedding website also said gifts weren't necessary (and a few people did take us up on it). It would be stupid for me to hold that against people.

I don't think you should gift based on others standards, whether they are higer or lower than your own. You should give and act based on your standards and what you've deemed to be proper etiquette.

If someone gave you a crappy gift, or didn't respond to the RSVP in a timely manner, etc. so you mimc their actions to "show them"; it's sort of a "two wrongs don't make a right" situation; it isn't going to show them anything, they'll think that what they did was proper etiquette since you did it too! Also, like others have mentioned maybe $10 is all they were able to afford at the time.

I give according to my means. My former SIL got married I gave her a gift of around $20, and my daughter was one of the flower girls and she bought the dress for that as well. That was all my budget barely would allow at that time. I was in a difficult spot and just didn't have more, I honestly barely had that and the gas to drive 2 1/2hrs to the wedding. If it were now I would be able to do more but at that time I just couldn't do it. I was widowed from her brother and dealing with health issues of my daughter and trying to go to school and working and just didn't have more at that time. I expect nothing from anybody for my wedding, and I give from my heart within my means with no regard to what they gifted or didn't gift. Honestly at my wedding I will be just as happy if I have no gifts as if I have gifts because it is about the family seeing the day and presenting ourselves before God and the family as a married couple.

You gift based and on what you can afford and what is appropriate - not what they gave you. This applies in life in general, not just weddings.

Every heard the phrase 'it's the thought that counts'?

Be grateful they gave you anything, and give them what you think is right without any regards to their gift to you.

If its someone I like, I'll give what I can, regardless of what they got me. They are people I love, so I want to celebrate them.

If its someone I don't really like (but are Hs friend), I'll match. I don't really have a connection with them, so I don't feel a reason to go above and beyond. Especially when we're tight on $$.

ETA: for the most part, I didn't care about who gave what gifts. My bridal party didn't get me gifts, but since they flew in, I didn't care. All of my friends/family (who traveled from afar) brought gifts. All of Hs guests (local) either didn't even give a card (like his parents) or gave us a $50 gift card. Some of his people just bring out the worst in me. So yes. For those people, I'm immature and petty and will only reach the expectation they set, no more.

This is tough. Do you know if they have money problems? $10 for a shower gift and no gift at all at a wedding is a little shady. If they were giving you that and then going out partying with $100 bar tabs or going on multiple vacations, I would be hesitant to give them my normal gift amount. I wouldn't go down to $10, but I would give maybe $40-50 for the wedding and not attend the shower. But if they genuinely could not afford anything at the time then I would give my normal amount. And this is assuming that this is someone not so close. If I were close to them, I would give my regular amount because I would know their situation. But if it's just someone I was obligated to invite to our wedding that I didn't know and we were obligated to be invited to theirs, I would give the lower amount of $40-50 from both of us.

Id probably sent them a middle priced gift off the registry and call it a day.

I'm going to have to go with the fact that different people can afford different things and you go with what you would have done without the knowledge of what they got you. When I was in my early 20s, I would buy a $30 gift for a wedding, but obviously, as I've aged (and made more money), I've started giving a more expensive gift. I've also been telling people that their presence at our wedding is gift enough, so if they take me up on that, I can't hold it against them.

@Pancakes – I thought about the reasons they may have gifted so little. I really can’t figure it out. To my knowledge there are no money problems. They don’t seem to want for anything. They both have decent vehicles, a nice place to live, pets, toys, go out to eat/to drink a lot…

I really am not sure why they would gift so little – it kind of made me feel like maybe I did something to piss then off and they were retaliating… although I can’t quite see that either. I wouldn’t feel comfortable going at low at $10 so I was looking for some input.

Thank you for your advice

If it's someone who I'm really not close to and they do this I might be tempted to reciprocate. But if they're my friend I'm going to give them a gift based on my means and not assume anything about the amount of their gift to me.

If they're being "cheap" then I might consider being on the lower side with my gift. But for most people, I'd give the same as I'd usually give (about $50 for shower and $100 for wedding) regardless. For example, one of my friends just bought me something off our honeymoon registry for $25. She's a long term substitute teacher in our local schools and I know is paid very little. $25 is all she can afford. I don't mind shelling out what I'd normally give for her wedding next year though. I know she would give more if she was able to. But yeah, $10... that's more of an insult.

I agree that it depends on if perhaps they were going through a rough time with money problems or had a lot of other things going on. If that's the case obviously you can't hold it against them. But I tend to side more with Jillian cuz I'm a bitch like that too. I was really surprised by how little some people got for my shower (3 aunts went in together on a $30 George Foreman grill, one cousin whose baby shower I just went to a few months ago and spent close to $100 showed up with nothing when her husband is a doctor so it's not like they're struggling.....)

@Sweller - I'm trying to be objective because obviously people go through things that I couldn't possibly know anything about. I would be a little more giving if they gave something more at either the shower or the wedding. Just the fact that they skimped on both is a little off-putting. I like to be generous with my gift-giving and I know sometimes I overdo it. I just don't want to look back after the wedding and feel like I was taken advantage of because of my generosity (if I give them something nice/expensive).

We were recently in this situation. We got married in September and got $100 from one couple, whose wedding we attended that November. Normally we try to give $150 or $200 as a couple but we gave $100 in this case. We kind of felt that we would be "showing them up" if we gave more.

Edited for clarity.