Wedding Ocd: wanting to start over and plan the “right” way

I’d go back and look at everything and try to make a list of why you picked those things in the first place. Like what initially drew you to these things? Maybe your fiancé can help with that. Also you could probably change your date without loosing your deposit. It never hurts to ask. The worst someone can say is “no”.

I would take a break to clear your mind did you force your fiance to propose or did he want too, what does he think about all this wedding planning? a wedding is expensive but it doesn't have to be. I would say due to covid we are limiting the guest list however I would love to go out to lunch with you and celebrate soon,

It seems to me you haven’t done anything in the wrong way. I think for most of us that’s how it goes. You decided a date and started planning right away. That’s what I did. Everyone has their own planning journey and there is no wrong or right way. Maybe it’s something you just can’t put your finger on and it’s time to access what may be the deeper cause? Maybe it’s all happening to fast and you want more time? Do you feel your not living up to your own expectations of what planning a Wedding should entail? Don’t allow yourself to get too hung up on Wedding ideals. Being bombarded with images and articles and seeing others rings and dresses etc can be inspiring but it can also leave you feeling inadequate or longing for more. I agree that you should take a break and take the focus off the Wedding for a little bit to reset yourself.

Hi Hilla. First off, congratulations on your engagement.

It's very common to get caught up in wedding planning only to later question decisions made during the excitement of it all. I applaud you for recognizing that you might want to stop the train before it crashes. No amount of "mental exercises" or "mind tricks" will help you dismiss what you are smart enough to have already figured out.... you've got some problems and luckily have time to come up with solutions.

1. Posts can be easily be misconstrued, but because you mentioned that you wouldn't have pressured your BF to propose... you should probably confirm that both of you want to enter into a marriage with each other.

2. $$$. College loans + credit card debt + no financial contribution for others = a sh** ton of negative consequences for a couple if they choose to ignore the obvious. Money is the #1 problem cited in divorces. Take this opportunity to use this situation as an exercise to learn how to work together.

As far as the $$ put down on deposits, contact the vendors for definitive totals that you will forfeit to cancel. I understand your FH's reluctance to lose this money - but if it requires in the end that you spend a substantial amount more to have the wedding as planned (cost sunk fallacy) - it makes more sense to "lose" it. You have to do your own numbers, but say your original plans have you spending $30,000. Coming up with a plan b that costs you $9,000 + the lost deposits of 4,000 for a total of 13,000. Losing the deposits in this case makes more sense than continuing with a wedding that you can't afford.

3. Oversharing/word of mouth "invitations". Be honest with people - for those you know you will not invite, kindly tell them that you are reconsidering your original plans... you don't want to go into debt... etc..... Anyone truly worthy of an invite will understand.

From your post it looks like family is important to you. Be honest with yourself and your FH and come up what is really important to you when imaging your wedding. Smaller # of guests, more intimate affairs with the most important people in your life present can easily beat out costly wedding cakes, passed appetizers and linen upgrades. Just my opinion.

Good luck and I really hope that you find a way to reduce your stress.

Thank you everyone! I like the advice about taking breaks, not comparing, and being real about our finances. To answer some folk’s question - my fiancé DID want to get engaged and be married, but he wanted to wait a little longer than I did. I was getting impatient (we had been living together 2+ years, in our 30/40’s) and I really rushed him.

It sounds like you gave your FI an “out” by offering to postpone the wedding and he was NOT on board - which I think is great news. If he really felt THAT rushed, wouldn’t he have jumped at the opportunity to postpone?
I love the suggestion mentioned earlier about looking at the decisions you made and trying to look at why you made those choices. What drew you there in the first place? There must be something in there that you love still.
I’m sorry you’re having regret. Take your time with everything else that needs to be done. Involve your mom, your best friend in other things, even stuff that normally doesn’t involve them. Email them options you’re deciding between, etc. Good luck! I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but once it comes together, you’re going to be so glad!