Wedding officiant drama

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry, but you really don’t know the whole situation to say that.. I’m not trying to be defensive.. but you have no idea the tone of voice she has spoken to us in.. I’m thankful for your opinion. I really just made this post to see if anyone else has gone through this with getting married by an officiant that had some issues/drama I didn’t mean for this to be a place to bash anyone.. thank you for your opinion.

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You're clearly very sensitive, I'm just trying to offer an honest, unbiased take on the matter. Best of luck with everything.

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Yes, you are young! It's clear from your communication style and I am not surprised that a pastor who believes in marriage for life would want to make sure that a young couple who has trouble articulating their desires in an adult manner is ready for this serious commitment.

Like I said, I don't not believe you that she could have been rude. But looking at things as she was "giving attitude" or "trying to pick a fight" while your saintly grandma did nothing wrong is an incredibly juvenile way to look at things. As is insisting you're not being defensive when you keep providing excuses for rude behavior (COVID, alleged social anxiety).

I am sorry you're at a point where you're unhappy with your officiant—that's not a good place to be right before your wedding! If I were you, I'd call her and say (knowing that you feel she doesn't respect time boundaries), "Hey there, I only have five minutes but I wanted to apologize for my part in our miscommunications regarding meeting and decorating the church. I know our goal here is to have a smooth wedding that starts off a great marriage, and I know I didn't make the best choices in communicating when we were together or via text. I really hope we can have a smooth Saturday, and I am so honored to have you officiate." Then let her talk—and do not get defensive—and at the 5 minute mark if she's still talking say "like I said, I only had five minutes and now I have to go. Very much looking forward to seeing you at the rehearsal/wedding" and hang up.

Adults communicate and stick to boundaries. It is the only way to deal with difficult people, and the healthiest way to deal with all people! It does neither side benefit to rehash situations or try to justify actions.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I appreciate your help.. and yes I admit I am very sensitive. I’m thankful for your opinion.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your help! I actually already have apologized to her last night when she came to the church and that was when she was saying things with an attitude, my mom and aunt also thought she was giving an attitude towards all of us.. but everything is ok between us now.. I just wondered if anyone had a situation similar to this... and I’m still sort of feeling like I wish she wasn’t the one to marry us now.. I am not saying my grandma did not do anything wrong in that way.. that wasn’t what I meant... what I meant was My grandma was not siding with me or her in the situation she was actually trying to get us both to get along.. she was asking her to not get upset and asking me to not get upset.. and I am sorry that you do not believe that she was being rude.. but I can’t make you believe that she did have a very rude attitude towards us as you were not there for the situation... actually many people have left our church recently because of the way she speaks to people... I do not believe she means to come off that way I think she means the best for everyone I really do.. and I really appreciate your help. I’m sorry if I was rude to anyone or if I am coming off as defensive.. I just didn’t tell the whole story in the description and that may seem why I am coming off that way. However I did apologize to her. And I would like to apologize to or anyone else in this thread that felt that I wasn’t hearing them out I just wanted to explain the situation further.

View Quoted Comment I also was not using my social anxiety as an excuse for being rude.. I meant i should have brought up how I felt uncomfortable at the first meeting, however I realize I have trouble with communicating.. like I said I am young and I am learning. I’m really not a confrontational person in real life. I never fight with anyone I never disagree I am a very go with the flow type of person. That was honestly the first time I have ever told someone I was mad other than people in my immediate family. And I was sort of proud of myself for being able to tell someone how I felt unhappy with the way they treated me.. I will admit that I did not do it in the best way.. I should have been nicer and I should have done it over the phone or in person. And I told her last night that I regretted the way I worded those messages and that I was sorry. I really appreciate your conversation though I will learn from this.

I realize my double negative came off confusing—I DO believe she was rude to you!

And it is 100% good to advocate for yourself. That's different than being defensive or immature, though, for sure. I can say this with confidence because I had major defensive communication issues, mostly stemming from my parents and how I was raised. I've worked through and continue to work through them. It's not easy!

I hope you have a wonderful wedding, and even though things got to a weird place with her, I hope the day is pure bliss!

View Quoted Comment And she’s got you by the “nards” - can’t do anything about it! Smile, play nice & keep your eye on the prize!

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much!

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your advice! 😁

Hi Mallory,
I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. It can be really hard to work with someone who should maintain professionalism and doesn't. Instead, you experience them as rude, passive aggressive, and condescending. I can understand how badly her snarky attitude could be hurtful, it sounds like she's not emotionally intelligent. With that in mind, you do have options. Option 1: You can still have ceremony with a different "officiant", whether they're ordained or not actually doesn't matter. It's technically a commitment ceremony and then after your ceremony, you can go to Justice of the Peace and get it done legally. Although I can appreciate if are committed to having your wedding date as the day of the ceremony.Option 2: Address you're issue with the pastor. This can be difficult but worth it. If you come from a place of emotion and let your pastor know how you experienced her and ask her if she wanted to make you feel that way, I can almost guarantee she'll say no I didn't want you to feel bad in any way. At that point you may be able to come to an understanding and successfully move forward with your wedding with her as your officiant without those issues.Mallory, I really hope you find this helpful. There are other resources online that may help you navigate addressing your pastor's negative behavior in a way that is effective and kind.God bless!AJ

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate your help and opinion.

View Quoted Comment I'm sorry you're dealing with it, and thank you for saying that, I certainly hope it helps :-) now get out there and get married! 🎉

View Quoted Comment This sounds like a board of directors of the congregation, and I would think theat if they give permission and the preacher does not like it, the preacher should take it up with the board, not harass individuals who went through the process to get permission, and should not be slapped down after the fact. Obnoxious.