Wedding planning - tension with fiance?

My fiance felt the same way at first, but I included him with all the little details and ask his opinion on everything and showed him prices (trying to save money and DIY things) to show him I am not trying to spend all the money, but I would like a wedding. Now he gives ideas and stuff for the wedding and kinda regrets that we didn't make a jump start on some things, but we are both are excited for the day coming. Try to include him in the planning with every detail (even though most guys aren't) to show him that you want it save money and at the same time want to feel special.

Don't feel bad, my fiance has a WHOLE spreadsheet with our wedding budget.... he's very detailed in finances too....

I think the total venue price is what scares him. It includes everything - linen, food, tables, chairs, bar, and some extras. The bill is large, but it's also the main part of the wedding. After that, we don't have a ton to spend on. I am going to to D-I-Y stuff to save costs, like you mentioned. I'm not going crazy with flowers, want to keep things simple and personalized.

I tell him these things, but he is just so zeroed in on the dollar signs. I hope I can get him to relax.

It will take a moment for him to relax on it, once it settles in, he will be fine about it

This is normal. We've gotten into some spats ourselves.

But we take it one component at a time.

Start with what is most important to each of you - top 3.

Then allocate the most money where there is agreement & then compromise on stuff that there is less agreement on.

My FH's original budget was 15K for 150 people.

We are now approaching 22K for 175 as the day approaches.

We are both in finance, but sometimes the planning is the first true test of a marriage & positive compromise & give & take on both side determines how it goes.

One final thought: Always state any opinion with "we" vs. "I" such as:

would "we" want to do A? vs. I think we should do A.

Ok Lindsey, time to do some research. It sounds like FH has some sticker shock and is having trouble seeing the value of what you've chosen. So my suggestion is to break it down for him. Find $$$ amounts to show him that while the price is high, doing it piece meal is not only more stressful (because you have to coordinate so many vendors) but also not necessarily cheaper. Find average prices for venue rental only. Find the price to rent chairs, linens, servers, tableware, etc. Include everything that the venue includes in your breakdown. Then show him the total cost of doing it all separately. Even if the all inclusive venue is a little more expensive (which it may not be) you still have to factor in that they are coordinating all that stuff for you.

I'd also make sure you show him where you've scrimped and how you plan to cut costs in other ways.

I think once you've put the information in a format he can logically understand, he may be more open about it.

Research the average cost of weddings, now a days I think it is between 25-35K?

Showing him concrete information on how much money you are saving even if it is $5 -15 here and there it adds up.

If you'd like you can research about of how much money it would cost to have a wedding not at an all inclusive venue-- they typically save you quite a bit of money, and stress!!

You guys should really sit down and confront the issues you are having with money, explain to him why it is important to you! Come to a compromise...if you want to budget 20K, and he wants to budget 5K maybe you can do it for 12K?

You still have quite a bit of time, so you can find the good deals, use coupons, and wait for sales.

In our relationship it is the other way around. I am the finance freak. lol I want a wedding but I don't want to break the bank doing it. I, like you, am doing a lot of DIY stuff. I am fortunate enough to have a photographer and a DJ in my family that is saving me a ton of money right there. There have been a few things that we didn't agree on. He wanted to have an open bar. I said no way. We compromised and we are buying a keg of beer and then the rest of the bar is cash. He wanted a limo and I didn't. Instead we are doing a horse drawn carriage that is less than half the price of the limo.

You only have one wedding. That is the thing my FH has been stressing to me. He could go to the courthouse and be happy. He says he doesn't need the whole shebang, that it is for me. At the same time, he is afraid that I am going to be so worried over money that I don't get what I want and then I am disappointed.

Hope everything works out ok.

We initially were looking at venues without an all inclusive caterer. We live in Philadelphia, so many of these are pricey. The average venue fee alone was $5-6K. On top of that, food, chairs, linens. It got to be a little much.

We finally found a venue that feels like "us" - it's charming, unique. And has an all-inclusive caterer that has allowed us to alter our packages per person. They've already come down in pricing for us. He just thinks the overall prices everywhere are ridiculous. He'll at times come to terms with the fact that that's just how much weddings cost in our area - and he'll be fine. But then, goes back to freaking out.

We have compromised in many ways. I initially wanted a wedding no more than 120 people. His parents side guest list alone was 150 people. This is what increased our cost. We've met in the middle with that - but are still trying to make it work with our budget. I think once we get past the venue/catering fees, we'll be fine.

I'm also the finance freak (bookkeeper by trade) so it took breaking it down by cost and what each venue would provide for that cost to see that the venue I chose is actually quite reasonable... I have spreadsheets that compare the 5 that I looked at and the ones that didn't include catering and linens...

For me (and my parents who are wonderful to pay) I needed to see the comparisons in writing to understand that the cost isn't as bad as we imagined.

There is a bigger problem here- you view finances very differently. This could spiral out of control and become a larger issue down the road. You are thinking he is in sticker shock (which he may be), but really he is being very fiscally conservative and focused on having savings and funds for your future.

Like was suggested, price out som eother venues- TOGETHER. Make him go with you to see that you are actually choosing the economical option. Go in armed- prices of renting/buying linens, average price of an outside caterer per person for food, etc. Whenever it comes time to choose vendors, bring him 3-4 choices with costs listed so he can see you are choosing the vendor for the value they provide.

But you need to address the difference in spending habits and financial goals- otherwise this marriage is headed for disaster. He may have to loosen up a bit and you may have to tighten up a bit.

Trust me, we've seen 15-20 venues. Made several spreadsheets. Of all of them, this is the one that best fits us and was less expensive.

After choosing this venue, envisioning our wedding there, he contacted another vendor and got a GREAT price. However, I am not crazy about that venue. The price is ideal - it's all inclusive. But the setting isn't what I had in mind and the food is just OK.

As for spending, he actually spends more money than I do on average, although he is very smart about his decisions. I'm a teacher on a budget. I never spend large amounts of money on anything and don't plan to do it for our wedding - I just really connected with this venue (and so did he). In the end, it's the wedding day in it's entirety that means most to me. I don't want to look back and think, "Well, I wasn't in love with it, but at least we saved $2,000."

I don't think your marriage is headed for disaster at all.....I think (mostly) men DO have sticker shock...I know mine did...but when he saw what each thing would cost (approx), he realized that this is just how much stuff costs! You both seem like you have your head on straight...he will get there, I'm sure of it!

I'm kinda having the same issue, I want an outside wedding so bad, along with a reception. FH doesn't see why I'm not ok with a church wedding (which I have nothing agaisnt, I just want outside) have our first dance, the cake cutting, and father/daughter dance and be done with it. He thinks all I care about is having a party which I don't. I don't want a full blown 5 or 6 hour reception, just a couple or few hours after the wedding to celebrate with friends and family. He makes such a big deal about it being so much more expensive than a church wedding, but in my opinion it may be a little more for the venue, but even if we had a church wedding we would still make a few hundred dollar donation to the church we use, still have to have a cater and a baker either way. We're getting our dj for free (I'm fortunate to have a cousin who dj's and is doing it for our wedding gift to us) so there's no extra cost to have the dancing and music reception.

I guess this seems to be a common issue. I spoke with him a bit about it today - he was actually able to negotiate prices with the venue and got us a discount. I think he feels accomplished in doing that and seems to be more excited about the process now. We'll see!

Thanks for all of your insight.

Don't feel bad hun. My hubby felt the same way, but at the same time, he was set on giving me the wedding I wanted. I think he was mostly tense because he was conflicted with his outlook on our financial future, and his need to make me happy. In your case, I think you should talk to him. Tell him what you just told us, about how you guys are alright now, (having a home, no finacial needs thus far,) and just be honest. Let him know that you want a beautiful wedding; express to him how important it is to you. He will likely rethink the situation, and decide to be happy with giving you your hearts desire. Good luck!

P.S., maybe you can put the idea in his head that you guys have PLENTY time to continue stabolizing your financial future, and this wedding is a once in a lifetime chance for the two of you. It's just not the same having the wedding after already being married.

I'm glad that it worked out for you Lindsey... (we would have been date twins, I just changed mine due to venue booking!) I know that this was also the case for me and FH, he didnt realize how much things cost and he was a little razzled as well. Do I think your marriage is headed for disaster??? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I think it is just something to work through together and it sounds like you have!

@Lindsey N.: I think that getting him more involved is really going to help you. If he thinks that the photographer, for example, is too expensive, you might suggest that he look for one that is more affordable and would still meet your requirements. If he comes up with someone, fine--you can decide together whether to use that person. If he discovers that all the ones he likes are as expensive as the one you favor, the problem is solved. Either way, you have removed the problem from your wanting to spend more money and his wanting to spend less, to the two of you deciding what is important to you and how much to spend on it.

I'd give him some time to make peace with the number. I was in horrible sticker shock when we started looking at venues (all-inclusive, like yours). I've never paid full retail for anything and it was several weeks (of not eating, crying, obsessing with my own spreadsheets, playing with numbers, etc.) before I came around to accept that it is one day, but it's never going to happen again, so it's okay to splurge (especially when the numbers work out budget-wise).

I understand how you feel, my parents gave us the money to pay for our wedding and honeymoon and my FH still hates the idea of planning a wedding. I have just left him out of the planning and don't discuss it with him. I let him know when he has to do something like tuxedo fitting or rehearsal dinner. Doing this has made things so much easier