Wedding tv expectations vs reality

I have roots in Manhattan so these expectations are pre-tv shows for us, they are deeply engrained. Every wedding needs to be a huge dinner with a top-shelf open bar, a band, the works. An absolute spectacle. It leads people to delay marriage for years and years or skip it altogether because they can't afford to have this kind of event.


I love my culture but this aspect of it makes me sad.

I'm hoping none of mine is tv expectation, and I TOTALLY get what you're saying! While I love watching Four Weddings, one thing I hate about that show is that everyone has to have some sort of theme, they can't just have "wedding" be their theme, and their theme better shine through or else they don't get points. It's so untrue for real life, having "wedding" or theming the wedding after what you and your future spouse like should be enough. We are having a nice ballroom with a nice meal and open bar, but nothing over the top like you see on tv. We are very simple people so I think our day is going to reflect that.

I think the beauty of the wedding industry, is the diversity in 'expectation'. These forums are fun, wedding TV shows may be fun (although I've never personally seen anything other then Say Yes To The Dress), but at the end of the day, you can do whatever you want. There is no wedding rule book, although it seems like some think there is. My wedding is being planned exactly how I want to remember the day I marry the love of my life. I think everyone on this site is doing some form of "planning based off of TV expectations" or we would all be going to the courthouse.

But on the other hand, I do get the "social standard" of wedding planning. The reality is, some want simple, some want big and extravagant -- both are okay as long as it's what you want. I, personally, have planned my wedding around the wants of my fiancé and I. Some of those wants may be considered "fluff", and that's okay because it's what we want.

Honestly, I don't watch those shows; they're just not something that interests me. So I'd have to say that mine is 100% reality. We're only having what we want and not including things we don't care about. Sure, it'll have some aspects of what you'd probably see on TV (again, I honestly don't even really know what that is), but those aspects are things that we specifically want included. We have a theme because we want one and ours pays homage to how we met and what drew us together in the first place. We won't have a grand exit because I want to be able to leave when I want to leave, even if that means before the party is actually supposed to be over.

View Quoted Comment

That is sad that what other people feel is a requirement has that much influence on people throwing any chance at happiness because "it won't be good enough" for someone else instead of themselves.

I think wedding TV shows have only influenced certain demographics. For many people the “tv wedding expectations” are just normal every day expectations in their demographic, geographic location, culture, socioeconomic standpoint, etc. As a matter of fact, I have seen many weddings on these shows who fall way below what certain groups see as “the norm”. So I think how these shows are viewed really depends on each person‘s specific situation. That being said, I have noticed TV shows, pinterest, social media, etc. has seemed to have somewhat of an influence on people I know from smaller Midwestern towns. It’s not that any of them think they have to “live up to” those weddings (or that people will think ill of them if they don’t), it’s more that they now have access to ideas they hadn’t seen before, and use them as inspiration for their own weddings. As far as my own wedding goes, I will not be taking any of those silly reality TV shows into consideration with my planning/decision making. My fiancé and I are planning every aspect of our wedding according to our personalities (with complete disregard to what is traditional or trendy) while taking our guests’ comfort and experience into consideration. We are definitely going out of our way to ensure our guests have an amazing time at our wedding. But that’s just because it’s what is important to us.

View Quoted Comment

That makes perfect sense. The only themes I've seen are very muted anyway according to the season.

View Quoted Comment

I don't think those extremes of "wedding tv or the courthouse" is accurate but I get what you're saying. There's a ton of wedding styles in between that don't fit in that category and don't resemble either. The only "rule book" is following proper etiquette but beyond that, the couple does what fits them and makes them happy that they can afford.

View Quoted Comment

I agree completely. Do what works for you. I am with you that I don't watch them either because of no interest but am aware of what they include and their influence.

View Quoted Comment

Every couple should do what works for them within their budget. But I have seen many threads on the forums here that say "you must do this and that (that is done on wedding tv instead of common to their social circle) or your guests will be offended!" Maybe one group's guests will but not another's.

View Quoted Comment Wow. I have never heard of that before. Those sound like some pretty terrible guests! I couldn’t even imagine my friends or family being offended because we didn’t do some thing that was on TV! It sounds like those brides can save a lot of money by cutting some ungrateful people from their guest lists!

I like watching 4 weddings because I dont go to weddings often so its interesting to see different ppls weddings (themes, decor, dress, and budget). Some of those weddings are so opposite from each other. My vision was based on my pinterest boards. It wasn’t necessarily based on expectations from tv. Also based in reality using the space I have and deciding how to decorate. I bought a lot of items secondhand so I built my vision around what I could find. For a wedding reception we dont have too much fluff, only a little bit (mariachi band and light up dance floor by FHs request) but mostly bare minimum as expected at a reception: food and drink, a place to sit and music.

What is also not really shown on TV are cultural weddings. for instance i am southeast asian and our customs are so different

View Quoted Comment That would be a great show!

View Quoted Comment

Yes, but you can't say this about one topic and not another.

Respectfully, I'm only chiming in with this because I have been a part of discussions where people, including yourself, have said tirelessly that "you must do this and that" according to "etiquette" on several topics even if it doesn't fit in someone's budget. You can't pick and chose what to use this logic on. I agree with you that everyone's circumstances, guests list, budget, wants etc. are different -- which is why you should have this mindset with wedding planning as a whole. Because you are so right, "Every couple should do what works for them within their budget."

My sister and I were talking about this. She was married in 1979, our family was super evangelical so it was a dry reception with no dancing, toasts, no fun LOL I was 10 and was a brat to her and made her cry, so she said she will make me cry on my say (totally joking, she’s great!)
I didn’t have a wedding in my previous marriage so we are doing one this time, even if it may be seen as silly.
Her sons were married a few years ago and she was very surprised at how it was a big orchestrated event. She wasn’t involved in planning - they gave some money but were totally hands off - and just enjoyed it all. I want to have some stuff that is more modern - full meal, lots of food, some activities for kids, signs, etc. But I know it won’t look like a fairy tale wonderland and that’s ok.

View Quoted Comment

Many of the posts here from everyday posters say "you must have full dinner" or "you must have champagne toast" or any given thing in response to someone on a budget or trying to stray from the norm and the person asking is made to feel their wedding won't be good enough. What poster in one city is used is not at at all what someone else in another city is used to. So you're not comparing apples and oranges.

Taking the full meal expectation as an example. I'm from the west coast but my relatives are from the South so in their social circles and what I grew up with between family and church, a full meal is not done unless you have boatloads of money to show off. Even then, they choose to serve and punch because that is what everyone else on their guest list is used to. On WW however, cake and punch is considered the lowest of the lowest, don't do it unless you absolutely have to. With little to no regard for what is common in that circle because it's not done elsewhere.

View Quoted Comment Ahh, I misread your response. You were saying people on here were indicating that guests would be offended, not the guest themselves saying that! Interesting. I guess I have just never seen those posts. But I agree, I think people definitely give opinions and advice based on what is done in their area/social circles, because that is their frame of reference. It doesn’t sound like that comes from TV though, just different practices.

View Quoted Comment

In this thread I'm talking about tradition and things that have been done so long that people do it out of habit without questioning why they do it other than "it's expected". If you skip something traditional it generally won't ostracize you because it is not a rude action, unike etiquette which is navigating social situations to find the least rude/awkward interaction and exists as long as there are people together.

For example, why do people expect a full meal and think it's bad if you don't but you still feed them? Why do people expect 6 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen and think you aren't close anyone if you don't? And the list goes on of things that are often only seen in movies and tv of the lavish weddings that aren't part of the majority's reality.

View Quoted Comment

Wedding tv definitely serves as a point of reference for many influences. Prior to shows like Say Yes to the Dress, only one or two people accompanied the bride. Now many think it's normal to bring along 5 and upwards minimum.