Wedding was not legal

I know this is so long but I needed to say it all. I’d also like to just throw in there that we waited years to be able to get married- then this! :-(

I'm so so sorry that happened. I really don't have advice, but I wanted to let you know you're heard and that sucks.

I know it was a big mess up....but I don't know if I'd let it cross into that place where you don't trust your husband. If he was at trials and meetings and working on details and was fully involved in your wedding planning and it doesn't seem like there's any reason he would have intentionally done this....then even though it's a big mistake, it's still that...just a mistake. Don't let it cloud your your views of him or of your marriage. The details will work out.

Wow, that is a lot and I am so sorry to hear you had to experience that. Just a question thought why do you seem so angry at him to the point that you are not speaking to him. You clearly knew he was married while you were dating him and knew he was in the mist of a divorce, You said when you went to get the original marriage licenses it was brought to yall attention but they said it was an error and everything was fine. So how does it seem you are really mad at him at something neither one of you clearly knew. Not taking sides or taking away from your feelings, but is there something else underlining this situation to the point you are not talking to him, taking your rings off.... If you loved this man for 2 years while you were living together while he was married what changed. I get that you don't want no legal penalties but from what you explained it cant be none because it was a mistake its not like you went to another state and tried to marry under false information you went to your local office and they showed you in their system where it said January. Unless there is something else that you are not saying I think that other than being hurt that you have to do it all again, you are being a little extra... Celebrate your wedding, enjoy your pictures and enjoy everyone saying congrads. You don't need to tell anyone what happened and in a couple of years you will look back and laugh at this situation.... Don't push him away because of a situation that he didn't realize. Maybe he should have read the paperwork better but hes a man, I think you should have read the paperwork to make sure everything was everything. But that is just my opinion. If he is great like you are saying he is this is a minor hiccup for a lifetime of GREAT memories.... Good luck

Oh jeez. I'm so sorry that happened to you! I doubt wither of you will be in trouble as you had no idea, and he didn't do it with intent to break the law. I think he was lazy in reading the paperwork, but I don't think you should mistrust him. That doesn't mean you have to brush it all under the rug though. It's ok to be mad.

You'll be legally married next week. Yay!!! Don't ignore your photos - people came to celebrate your union with you. They just celebrated early. I would still use that date as your anniversary too, even if it's technically not the legal date. That's the day you and your husband promised in front of all of your loved ones that you will spend your lives together.

I am SO sorry you are dealing with this. I don’t know him or the situation beyond what you’ve said, but based on this it honestly seems like an oversight to me. Careless and annoying? Yes. But while I understand your anger, I really hope this isn’t worth wrecking your marriage over your attitude in your last paragraph is basically what I was planning on writing in my comment... you should look at it as a hiccup, and a chance to celebrate twice. I get that looking back on your wedding day, it feels upsetting that that wasn’t your “real” marriage but, at the time it felt like it was, right? Until you realized this, you probably remembered it as a wonderful day. Try to go back to that feeling and don’t let what’s happening in the present ruin your memories, and how you felt on that day! So many people (myself included) have struggled with whether to have an intimate elopement or a big wedding with family and friends. If I were you, I think you have the right attitude in the last paragraph..... think of this as your opportunity to have both. I’m not trying to minimize the situation AT ALL because I guarantee I would be just as angry and upset too! But based on the fact that you wrote that last paragraph, I can tell that you already have that positive mindset within you... try to allow yourself to let that part come out. It’ll all work out ❤️

I'm sorry you both are going through this. Cut him a little slack. You guys were both planning a wedding before he was legally divorced so, in hindsight, you should have both been REALLY sure when the divorce would be finalized. I know that there was some weird trickery at play with the ex and I'm sorry this happened to you. Try to look forward to the future. That person no longer holds the reins. It's over. I hope this ceremony can be happy and intimate. Renew your faith in one another. It will all work out. I completely understand your disappointment and embarrassment, though. This is a teachable moment for sure. Be thorough always. Good luck

View Quoted Comment Thanks for answering- I’m just wanting to address that he’s out of town right now and I’ve texted him. I’m not talking because he ends up crying and apologizing and I’m ending up comforting him instead of dealing with my own feelings, which isn’t healthy for me to do right now. He totally gets it and supports me needing to have some space. He doesn’t know I took off my rings. I’ll have them back on soon. Just trying to process all this and do it quick.

Coming from someone who has been through a divorce, it is hard. The paperwork nuisances are like reading the most important dictionary and getting every word right. Even then, the lawyer screws up and it's your life... literally. I think it's not about trust but knowing his weak points. You probably should read it but ask him first.

The officiant seems like they are flexible, can you do it after work?

View Quoted Comment I agree with this.
First, I’m sorry you’re going through all this, it’s understandable you are angry & sad. I think anger mostly comes from disappointment of “tarnishing” the perfect memory of your wedding.

However, based on what you wrote here, this sounds like an honest, unintentional mistake caused by him not reading paperwork well (many people don’t because they’re lazy & legal documents are boring to read lol), clerk in the office not catching this date issue, and his lawyer obviously not doing the best job informing your husband. You could have also made sure the date is correct by triple checking, but at the end of the day none of it was intentional. Hence, not talking to your husband, taking your rings off etc. is either you being too dramatic or there is something deeper going on, in which case you should look into that & try to resolve whatever underlying issues are there.

You said “he dropped the ball a lot during divorce” - are there any trust issues you had with him before that are making you doubt his commitment, did he do anything through divorce process to hurt you personally, or to make you feel insecure in any way? That would be an explanation why you’re feeling so strongly about what happened with the wedding date. Also dating & loving someone who is still legally married, even though relationship is over, can be stressful, can cause you to feel insecure, or as if you’re doing something wrong (even though you are not).

If none of this exists, then you should really reconnect with your husband asap & heal from this legal hiccup together. Neither of you will face fine / jail because you have clerk & lawyer as a proof you did everything right, so don’t worry about that. Don’t let all this put unnecessary stress on your brand new marriage 🙂

View Quoted Comment

Oh okay that makes more sense I thought you ment like you moved out of your house and stuff... I know its a hard process, cause I have been through a divorce and it can get real ugly real quick especially if the other person is bitter and mad. Just focus on your love nothing has changed but the day your real anniversary will fall on. The love is the same, the feelings are the same. We are all going to experience different things now that we are embarking on a new journey, but just remember that it is these moments right here that really should show us why we chose to marry the people we did. Cause if we cant go through something without falling apart then maybe it was all a smoke screen. If that makes sense. Your fine, your HUSBAND is fine and your marriage will be amazing....

I feel slightly confused because I am not sure when the wedding was, but I think I got it.

Divorces are tricky and I think it is weird that his ex-wife was allowed to just change the date for no reason really. I have not seen that before.

Does it need to be during the day? Can you work it out with your officiant to have it be after business hours so that you do not have to take off?

I understand you are upset, but I am not sure that he is totally at fault here. When you get a date from a judge, you think it is concrete. If it went through the proper channels and websites were not updated, that is not his fault (you mentioned the clerk went with it too). I do not think anyone will be fined or have jail time. It sounds like an honest mistake. I would be more mad about being married on a random day than anything else.

View Quoted Comment To explain the anger- it’s that I have been pulling it the case up online since the beginning and often let him know she filed another something over and over. He wasn’t really on top of it and it dragged out. Me checking and telling him something was up was the extent of my involvement really, other than being a listening ear.
I noticed that she filed a notice of errata regarding the termination date and told him. He figured it was her backdating it to 1/1 (why would she do that?) her first attempt was rejected and she filed it again late February. I told him again and that it made me uneasy and to see what she’s doing. All of this was before the wedding. He didn’t do it.
Before he actually contacted the lawyer again to see what was up when I asked again, he said he hoped I would stop checking the court website at some point and was unhappy I was doing so. I am so glad I did- or we may have never been married legally. And it’s still in black and white on the website that the judgment was entered and marriage terminates in January. That’s why I didn’t read or ask for the paper decree.

Trust issues were mostly around him not trying to keep divorce moving for a really long time. He let the initial paperwork sit for a year without her responding when he could have filed for default. He kept wanting her to agree to everything when she was deliberately delaying and told him she would make it as hard as possible. She did. I think it was continued 8 times. She made agreements and wouldn’t sign them. At one point she sent over an offer that she refused to agree to because she told her lawyer to send it but hadn’t even read it. 2 different lawyers dropped her because of all this. So it wasn’t really anything except that. It’s all been really hard and I’ve felt like a fool with the rug pulled out from under me every couple of months for years now.

I’ve been trying to get over all this before he’s back tonight. I think posting here and hearing pretty much unanimous advice to cut him some slack was exactly what I needed. Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me deal with this. I love him so much.

Oh man. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine being in your shoes - I would be mortified and angry too. Finding out my wedding wasn't legal after the fact is one of my worst nightmares of this process.

But, with all due respect, I think you are being a little too hard on your husband. This was all just one big, really unfortunate mistake - a super careless and preventable one, but a mistake nonetheless. I'm sure you will feel better once your officiant "re does" your wedding and it is finally legal. I don't think this needs to tarnish the memory of your wedding, because neither of you knew at the time - it's not like he secretly knew and withheld the knowledge and lied to you that day. Everything you felt, experienced, and said was all sincere. And no one else needs to know.

I know it's hard to imagine right now because the emotions are still raw, but, you really will look back on this and laugh one day. Just keep moving forward.

I understand being upset, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and get the feeling of disappointment. But, I think it’s an overreaction. Breathe. Give it a little time. As your officiant has said, this is just paperwork. Your wedding was not less real, and removing the rings is silly. You had a wedding, there was just a glitch in the paperwork. This was an oversight by SEVERAL people who didn’t catch this, so I can’t fathom faulting your husband for it, and tbh I’d say it is the clerk more than anyone who should not have given you a license if they werent sure. In the eyes of your family, friends and coworkers, you’re married. There’s simply a papers issue that needs resolving before you can do some legal things. But it can and will be easily resolved. It’s just a bit of filing to sort, and not a huge deal. No one is going to jail, this wasn’t fraud (seriously, the legal definition includes INTENT). Breathe, don’t let this silliness ruin the memories of your wedding day. Nothing about that day is different— the vows aren’t taken away even if you need to re-say them. The promises remain the same.

Wow. You’re all so right and I think getting this off my chest and reading the responses is really helping me deal with it and move past it.

Part of the reason I was so mad is that I was checking the website and told him a notice of errata re:termination of marriage was filed and told him. He just figured it was her back-dating it to the 1st of Jan when the payments changed (why would she do that) and didn’t check it out. She even filed the same paperwork a week later when the first was rejected. There was a proof of service by mail filed and then in March a document return which means the address was wrong and came back. He thought I was silly for worrying about it and I told him about it twice before the wedding. He didn’t follow up and even the day he contacted the lawyer to find all this out he chided me for still checking the divorce website but something wasn’t sitting right with me so I did.

The theme through the whole divorce process was him not really moving it along. Nothing to really break my trust but a lot of “is this really that important to you? Are you sure you’re over her?” She initially didn’t respond for a year, he didn’t file default and he could have. The whole time she filed continuances, (8x!) made agreements she wouldn’t sign (one she even told lawyer to send but didn’t sign because she hadn’t READ IT!), delay tactic after delay tactic plus some truly nasty stuff. It got really ugly. She said she would drag it out for years and she did. She tried to split us up too but that didn’t work. Even now she’s asking him to go to counseling with her- it’s pathetic really.

We were debating over having an intimate just us ceremony initially, celebrating with our family and friends, or maybe a just us and party later. We decided to have the “real deal” and party together and that day we thought we did. Now we get our intimate ceremony too.

Our officiant is going out of town next week and in meetings in the evenings all week until then. My husband (in my heart anyway) isn’t back until tonight so during the day is all we have unless we wait and I don’t want to.

Thank you all so much for weighing in. Ways you’ve said things differently have really helped. I may be almost over it.

View Quoted Comment Ah... thanks for explanation, now the way you’re feeling makes much more sense to me. What happened with your wedding date sounds like a drop in a full glass situation. You’ve already been stressed by divorce being dragged out for too long & with you being the one on top of it, when it should have been your husband doing all that. It was probably kind of “do you want to get this divorce done or not” feeling. My friend was in the same situation, where she was the one on the website checking constantly the progress of her now husband’s divorce (while he was pretty clueless). That is not to say that it’s justified. Actually, I would have had a conversation with him long tome ago & told him that you feel uneasy & that he needs to show his effort in pushing things forward & following up in timely manner.

I get it. But again, now that it’s all finally over, it’s time to put all that stress behind & not let it affect your marriage anymore. I would still have this conversation with him & let him know how you feel & why. He should know. And it can be a teaching moment for how you need him to step up in stressful situations & do his part.
I believe you will work through this & you will feel better sooner than later ❤️

I totally get your frustration but please don’t hold anger against him or your wedding. He was very preoccupied with planning your wedding (wedding brain is totally a thing. I missed a bill during ours!). And it sounds like the ex is evil and intentionally changed the dates.

Although you didn’t want a second ceremony, I’d be a little happy about having a private ceremony again. Wear your dress again (or anything you choose) and maybe treat yourself to brunch afterwards. Do not let the ex rob you of your joy! 💕

That's insane. Like you said, it wasn't his intent but with something like that, especially dealing with legalities, you must be more diligent and cover all bases. When I got divorced, I had to GRILL the hell out of him to sign. I told him exactly what he was supposed to do and he still screwed up. Had to do it all over and then he decided to lag. It was awful.

Your situation, his heart was in the right place. I know it's a lot to take in but I'm pretty sure, in due time, you will overcome this. It's just a range of emotion that you have to let out in order to heal. You said so yourself that you couldn't be happier and if this is the worst thing that's happened as of yet, although a big deal, it will get better when this all blows over.

It's just going to take some time to full process everything that's happened. Don't doubt that you made a wrong/bad decision. He was man enough to right his wrong as soon as he found out and that's what truly matters. You'll do it again and everything will work out from then on. Just push through and stay positive!

Well- he’s flying back in tonight. Rings are on. I’m at the airport to surprise him with a welcome home husband sign I made.

By this time next week we will be hitched in all the ways we can be- legal too.

❤️ I can’t thank you all enough for helping me reframe this and think about it properly.

I’ve also taken Tuesday off and a member of the wedding party who got sick and missed it will witness it for us. I’m selecting some poetry for the reading for our short ceremony too.

Pretty perfect I think.