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Beginner January 2022

Wedding(s) Drama

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Elizabeth, on April 15, 2021 at 12:54 AM

Hi, new here, I’m gonna attempt to give the most concise explanation possible and maybe y’all will have good advice/ideas.
I had a COVID wedding in January 2021. Changed the date once and didn’t want to change again, so we made the best of it and did a drive in wedding behind our church. Planning the wedding, I had minimal support from my mom and sister. They have reasons, my mom was too focused on her moms health (I was my grandmas primary caregiver and my mom was upset that I was trying to get married while my grandma needed so much care and it was COVID times. My sister simply despises my husband, she has for a decade, and her reasons has always been unclear. Well I pushed on and had my wedding anyway, because it was really the only thing bringing me joy at the time. (There was so much drama at home trying to take care of my grandma and my sister being rude and unsupportive, and my husband and I were going to move in with my mom and grandma and sister to continue helping with my grandma, but my sister was adamant that he cannot live in the same house as her. My mom basically took her side so I had to step back a lot and that put a lot more pressure on my mom to do more than she could). But three days after my wedding, my grandma had a heart attack... after a long 3weeks in the hospital, we moved her home on hospice so she wouldn’t have to be alone in the hospital when she passed... having been her main caregiver for years spending nearly 24/7 with her... I didn’t want to be away from her when she passed, so I asked my husband for us to stay at the house for a few days while we see how everything played out. After him staying over for one night, my sister threw a literal tantrum. She is 27 years old. I’m 32.. so then I spent a week without him as I sent him home and stayed with my grandma. Then his friend died.. and things were traumatic for both of us. So I gave my sister a heads up that he was coming back.. she never said anything until he was back again and she threw another tantrum, this time too his face telling him he doesn’t belong here and why can’t he take a hint and go home. My grandma was on her deathbed, my mom was telling my grandma kind things about the whole family being here with her, and my sister is saying “except for the people who need to leave.”
It was so rude and so hurtful. And my mom took my sisters side later basically accusing me of forcing my marriage on my sister “at a time like this.” Anyway, I ended up being forced to choose between being there 24/7 with my grandma or going home at night to support my husband. I ended up being with my grandma during the day and going home at night for about 3 days. Luckily, my grandma passed during the day while I was there instead of at night when I was away. After all this, my sister made another fuss about my husband going to the funeral with me. Long story long, my sister has been causing drama and hurt for years and this was a deep cut that my husband and I have to heal from.. now because I had a COVID ceremony, we postponed our reception to our first anniversary in January 2022 to have a combo party. And, even though my sister was a bridesmaid (begrudgingly) my husband does not want her coming to the reception/anniversary party.I get it, I think he has a right to feel that way... I still kinda want my sister there regardless but I suppose that’s because I feel like she is supposed to be there as like a sisterly duty.Add to everything, my sister got engaged the day before my grandma passed and is getting married in September. I’m not knocking her for getting engaged at that time, she loves my grandma and was happy she got to come home and show my grandma her ring, but I am annoyed that she’s rushing to squeeze her wedding in before I’ve even had a chance to finish mine. And now she’s asking for all kinds of tips and advice and references and asking to borrow things I bought and used... it’s frustrating and making me feel resentful because she won’t apologize (although I’m considering asking her, but knowing her, she will turn it around and blame me somehow, making herself and innocent victim) and honestly her ugliness towards me and my husband isn’t even directly wedding related, because she did show up and put on the face for my ceremony, and she’ll do the same for my reception I’m sure, but my husband doesn’t care because he doesn’t think she should get a pass to be ugly towards us and still be allowed at our marriage celebration.Too this all off with I’m expecting she might even make a fuss about my husband attending her wedding with me... anyone got words of wisdom???

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40 Comments

Super September 2021
Sharon · on April 15, 2021 at 3:27 PM
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I'm sorry. That sucks. She might legitimately feel that he's just not right for you. Which is difficult to deal with and puts you in a bad position. As long as he hasn't done anything that would make her feel like you were in harm's way, the only thing you can do is keep showing her by the way you live your lives how in love and right for each other you and your husband are. Hopefully she'll soften her opinion of him....or at least her attitude towards him. Good luck.
ps... my condolences on the loss of your grandmother
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VIP August 2021
Katie · on April 15, 2021 at 3:33 PM
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I read that you said she believed him to be a home wrecker because you left someone for this guy. Now I don't see why she would be so bitter to him unless you were secretly seeing him and him knowing about the other guy, however Im not assuming I'm just saying I could see her being bitter then.

My brother was with his fiance for 11 years. They were engaged for 3 and we found out through good old Facebook that he was secretly running around with another woman and she knew he had his fiance at home. My brother eventually broke up with his fiance for this girl and yes we did call him out for cheating when he was with his fiance. Anyway when my brother would bring this girl over to the house she would leave crying because we were so nasty to her. She eventually broke up with my brother cause she couldn't deal with our hatred anymore. However my brother has dumped one girl for another and we never where nasty to the new girl. We just hate home wreckers and don't tolerate it. But that doesn't seem to be your case because he isn't a home wrecker.
I guess I'd see it like this, you and your husband are a team and need to have each other's backs regardless if it means you have to go against family. She has an issue with him that has been going on for a decade now and may unfortunately always be like that with her.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 15, 2021 at 4:27 PM
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It just doesn’t really make much sense....”my sister would make drama”. What specifically was the drama started over? She just randomly decided she liked your ex bf better, and so much so that she openly yells and screams for your FH to leave at a random point.....

“He stayed for one night”..., and then your sister flipped out randomly the day after?? And mom just randomly decides after him staying for one night which was okay’d by her initially that he’s no longer welcome there and takes your sisters side with her random melt down and didn’t even question why all of a sudden your sister was all of a sudden just randomly yelling for him yo leave???? And your mom without question just agrees says yeah he has to leave?? Ya sure he didn’t say or do anything??
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 15, 2021 at 4:38 PM
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So your sister hates him this much just Because she liked your ex better… And that’s the only reason… And she liked your ex so much better to the point that she was willing to disrupt and yell for him to get out and cause a scene randomly the day after he already slept over one night even though you’re dying grandmother and family was there?? And yet you said your mom always takes her side, so I would just think especially in a time like that, that he wouldn’t have been allowed to sleep over in the first place. But they allowed him to, and then the day after, even though absolutely nothing happened and absolutely nothing changed… She randomly flips out?? I don’t know… I’m not calling you a liar, but I’m just saying maybe that’s worth exploring more if you claim that she had no reason at all.
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Beginner January 2022
Elizabeth · on April 15, 2021 at 6:21 PM
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She got parked in by his car that night which is what she initially seemed triggered by? And no actually my mom didn’t say he was unwelcome, she wanted me to talk to my sister and try to work it out. And I tried to do that and my sister just kept saying absolutely not and telling me I’m so codependent to want to be with my husband every night...
my mom went on a tangent about how it’s like this now because I didn’t allow him to come over enough over the years and I told her every time I tried , my sister would get mad he was here and complain how she can’t go in the kitchen because he’s sitting with me in the living room or just weird stuff like that, she sounds like she feels like when he’s in the house, she has to be trapped in her room. My mom keeps thinking if he comes over the she will have to get used to him and socialize, but it doesn’t ever work all the times I tried. Then my mom keeps upset that I always went to his house instead of inviting him here. I’m telling you all I know. I feel like you’re right, it has to be soenthing I’m missing but I don’t get it at all. She won’t talk about it or have any kind of working it out between us... my dad has already said my sister needs to get over it and stop acting like a child. But my mom kinda more... idk verbally she acts like she knows my sister is being a certain way but keeps thinking we need to be more gentle and patient with her.. so I wish I could decipher this all.. maybe it’s right what you’re saying there has to be some reason I’m missing? But what do I do if she won’t tell me, despite me reaching out and trying for years.
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Beginner January 2022
Elizabeth · on April 15, 2021 at 6:23 PM
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Oh I’m not trying to take it like you’re being mean to me! Initially I was annoyed but then I was like no, I need to assume you’re just trying to help me see another side. All good ❤️
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on April 15, 2021 at 6:39 PM
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Honestly I would cut all ties with mom and sister since they are disrespectful to you and your husband. A bridesmaid's job is to support the couple and she refuses to do that so it makes no sense why you want her to stay in this position and be miserable the whole time. Don't invite her to your reception. But if she does show, her attitude will only reflect badly on her.
She can plan her own wedding since she is so hostile to you on a regular basis. That is classic narcissistic abuse.
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NewEnglandSettler · on April 15, 2021 at 6:41 PM
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Hi Elizabeth. I have a younger sister who thrives on drama and is a self appointed victim. Our mother unfortunately at times enables the behavior by making excuses for her. In fact, the whole family - including me - have contributed by choosing not to argue with her because sometimes it's just easier.
A few years ago, I was done. I let everyone in the family know that I was tired of the game and that I was checking out. I didn't go no contact - but made a decision to limit any and all conversation with her to very superficial topics, and to socialize with other members of the family without her when possible. I love my sister and push come to shove - i will be there. But I can not tell you how much better I feel by stepping away.
If I were in your shoes, I would consider letting other family members know that you have decided to stop trying to "fix" things with your sister, that you wish her well - but you and your husband are setting some boundaries. I would start inviting your mother over to your place for dinner/ to socialize so you can begin to establish a new connection that does not require your sister to be present. I'd assure your mother that you are not abandoning your sister, but that you have done what you can for now and hope that the relationship improves with time.
You have some time - but I would use the new boundaries to set the stage to not invite your sister in January, for your own sanity and out of respect for your husband. If she chooses to invite you to her wedding - do not feel obligated to attend.
Things may not improve, but on the other hand - if she takes to heart the fact that her sister has pulled away - she may question if she should evaluate her actions that contributed to your decision. Good luck.
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Beginner January 2022
Elizabeth · on April 15, 2021 at 6:44 PM
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I think that is true, she really doesn’t think he is right for me. My mom had her reservations too, I think I’ve just kind of understood that they had a different idea about the type of man I should be with? Like a quiet manly man that makes a lot of money to support me and worships the ground I walk on. Instead my husband is a city boy Who wears his heart on his sleeve and speaks his mind.
And I think I know my sister loves me so it’s likely she sees those characteristics and thinks that it will make me unhappy in the long run and annoyed I won’t listen to her but at the same time she’s never bothered to listen or understand about what I like and what actually makes me happy. She does tend to act like this really towards anyone who does things in a way that she doesn’t think is the right way to do them.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 15, 2021 at 6:52 PM
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I mean, if there’s really nothing else you can think of, then I think it’s extremely extremely strange and weird for your 27 year old sister to act this way. No one thinks she needs counseling for her extremely odd and unusual hate for your husband? So she was blocked in by his car… And then what? She starts flipping out? If he slept over was his car in the same spot where he originally parked? Did any of you ever mention counseling to her? I don’t mean to question so much, it’s just such extreme bizarre behavior from a 27 year old with no prior connection to this guy who did nothing to her. Does he say anything back to her? Does he make her uncomfortable in anyway? Has she ever mentioned that she feels uncomfortable specifically around him? If all of these are an honest no, then her extreme erratic behavior should really be met with some serious emotional counseling.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 15, 2021 at 7:11 PM
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No worries, It’s just a bizarre situation so I sometimes tend to question. I have a mother who I haven’t talked to in over a year because she’s in denial about very major things involving her husband (prior post). And when people question her on things like why isn’t your daughter inviting you to her wedding? She will typically give answers like, I have no idea, or she just doesn’t want me there/doesn’t like me type of answers. and I’m not at all saying that you’re in denial about anything, but sometimes I tend to press. But in your case, it does appear to be that your sister is just a wild nut from what your saying... I’d cut ties at that point.
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Devoted June 2020
Victoria · on April 15, 2021 at 10:33 PM
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You might not be able to wait to talk... but she clearly is very happy not talking. I wouldn’t suggest giving her the satisfaction of seeing you trying to talk and get frustrated. When she wants to address how she feels like an adult, she will. In the meantime the only thing you can do is manage how you feel, and what exposure you give yourself. Again, you do not deserve the stress of her issues. You should put up some hard lines, because you’ll know when an adult and mature sister approaches you. It might be years but don’t make that your problem. Enjoy those years.
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Beginner January 2022
Elizabeth · on April 16, 2021 at 12:23 AM
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Yes it has been suggested that she needs some counseling 😅 but she doesn’t like to talk about feelings or anything. Like sometimes too I’m pretty sure that for her, she just views it has we argued about stuff cuz I did something wrong to her and then she doesn’t think it’s necessary to talk it out cuz it’s done . But even when it reoccurs she just says there’s nothing to talk about , she doesn’t like him. I did just find out today though that she has him on her wedding guest list... likely because it’s proper etiquette due to him being my husband. That’s a bit of a relief that we will avoid that drama.

When she did flip out like that, everyone in the house at the time was appalled. My husband never came out of my bedroom the whole time he was there (working remotely and avoiding upsetting her) so she never even saw him other than knowing he was there. She hates being parked in and has flipped out on me before too.. but she parks in the garage and expects no one to use the driveway behind her...
He hasn’t been perfect my any means. But no he usually doesn’t say anything to her at all. A couple times he’s replied with “I didn’t want to be here anyway” and the one time maybe 8 years ago he did lose his temper with her attitude and yell at her. But I was there, slapped him across the face and left the bar with my sister. Worked it out with him the next day when he apologized to me and my parents and tried to apologize to her also but she wasn’t having it. Hasn’t liked him since and won’t try but yet insists she isn’t still mad about something that happened so long ago.
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Beginner January 2022
Elizabeth · on April 16, 2021 at 7:04 PM
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Totally makes sense. Sorry to hear about that with the mother! I can only imagine the stress.

I’m sure there’s always another side to everyone’s stories to some extent. I also realize at some point sometimes people just have completely different views and morals in life and it’s hard to overcome.
Well on the upside, I peeked at my sister’s guest list yesterday and she has my husband listed, which is a relief that I won’t have to deal with that drama... but also kinda confirms in my mind that she is just emotionally immature. Her fiancé and her are taking pre marriage courses that focus heavily on communication, praying she learns something 😂 and that maybe I can have a better conversation with her after her wedding is over.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 16, 2021 at 7:48 PM
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Wow! Yeah, I can’t imagine screaming at someone to get out of my face and then putting them on a guest list for the most important day of my life lol... she’s got some issues, but you’re doing the right thing by waiting until after the wedding to discuss. and also, congratulations about your reception!! That’s going to be a really amazing day for you I’m sure! It sucks enough being a Covid bride, so I think by January, it’s going to be even more special for you and you are now officially stamped in history as a Covid bride LOL so it’s definitely going to be stories for the grandkids to say the least, but wishing you the best of luck bride!
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on April 18, 2021 at 7:01 PM
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Lots of families have scapegoat/golden child/black sheep dynamics so I don't think it's all that weird that your mom and sister are ganging up in your husband. Your relationship is your choice, not hers...I'd cut her off or at least severely restrict my relationship with her.
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on April 18, 2021 at 7:02 PM
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Honestly, this is messed up. Your brother is the one who cheated, if you're mean to anyone, be mean to him. The fact that she left y'all's house crying because you were nasty to her is gross.
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VIP August 2021
Katie · on April 18, 2021 at 7:10 PM
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Gross is women trying to get with men who are taken. And we were nasty to my brother to. But the home wrecker also got it to, maybe next time she'll think before sleeping around with taken men.
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on April 18, 2021 at 8:33 PM
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I don't condone her actions but the cheater is the one who made the vows. Will your brother think twice before sleeping around? Did she "try to get with a married man", or did your brother pursue her?
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VIP August 2021
Katie · on April 18, 2021 at 8:39 PM
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She was chasing my brother for years. And since then he has been single.
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