What does this even mean😞

I couldn't possibly guess what that would mean, because I don't know either of you. But a 4-year engagement with no wedding planning tells me that neither party is that interested in taking the next step. Was there ever a wedding date set earlier in your engagement? Has he refused to talk to you about your wedding for the last 4 years?

The only way to learn what he means is to ask him. If he continues to change the subject/shut you down, then I suggest scheduling some couple's counseling to work on your communication and goal setting together. If he refuses to go to counseling, then I think you have your answer: he doesn't want to get married.

View Quoted Comment There has never been a date. We were not in a big rush in the beginning beginning I just had gotten divorced. I honestly didn't even start asking about a date /finalizing our decision until about a year ago. Then he went through phases of not wanting to be together but when it came down to it ; he didn't want to break up. We rarely have disagreements and he continues to say "this is the best relationship he has ever had". I honestly try to talk to him about everything, especially the wedding and somehow he finds a way to avoid it or says it is not a good time to talk about it.

And in the first six months after the engagement, he was all about it and looking at different venues and tuxedos. Then life got busy and I found him talking to another female. And that was not pleasant.

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OK, with the additional information you provided, it definitely sounds like you two aren't ready to get married any time soon, since there are a lot of other issues to work out first. I sincerely hope you consider counseling.

View Quoted Comment I have asked him multiple times if he would go and he again, just kind of ignores it or shrugs it off. I'm ready. Obviously he is not. But I love him...

He's saying literally that he's not ready. You'll need to have that conversation with him.

View Quoted Comment He said that one time when we sat down and I told him I need an answer. Then later on I told him that really hurt feelings and he didn't even remember saying it.I'm so very confused..

He is making it clear he is not ready to get married, period. People say things in the heat of passion that they don’t always mean or intend to follow through with. You need to have a heart to heart with him and figure out together if you need wait longer or go separate ways if you have different life goals.

Let it go, girl. He doesn't sound interested in marrying you. He may have proposed while emotions were high in the beginning, then changed his mind, but doesn't have the balls to tell you. You deserve better.

View Quoted Comment That's what I need to hear.

View Quoted Comment He also is in his mid forties. I don't understand it. I also don't want to just sit and wait on him. It's hard.

After reading all of your messages I think it’s time to move on if he’s not willing to go to counseling. You deserve better!

He probably don’t even deserve going to counseling with you. It’s your time now, you waited for him for 4 years and he was talking with another female while you’re at home for him. That’s a HUGE red flag for me! You deserve much better ❤️ And after you give a step away of that situation you will feel so relieved.

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I was in this type of a relationship. We were never engaged but some of it reminds me of my ex's actions. In the beginning it's exciting, he talked about wanting to marry me, smothered me in love, and I would fall for it. Then after a while when the beginning excitement wore off he would get quiet and distant, not follow through on plans for vacations together. We'd go on a break. Then boom a month later he's back and talking marriage. I did for years, and it's a mistake. My ex was in his 40' too ... still single as far as I know... he just doesn't want to get married. And that's ok, but it isn't ok to string someone else along for that ride. He needs to make a decision ... and then you do I know making them talk is hard, but if he isn't willing to, you kind of have your answer. Just be firm in wanting to talk, he needs to know it's not a chat, that your about to make a life choice here. I'm sending good vibes. Remember you deserve to be happy!

You can do better than a love bombing guy who strings you along and talks to other women. He doesn't want to be single but he doesn't want to marry you. He is holding out for someone else. He's just using you as a placeholder. If he tells you the truth, he knows you'll leave him.

It seems like he isn't ready or interested in getting married anytime soon

I had an ex who would be interested in discussing the future, we'd have all sorts of plans and then later he'd "forget" or not want that anymore, but then a month later it was back to planning. It was a manipulation tactic and he was stringing me along. It sounds very similar to your situation. If he's not willing to communicate or work through counseling, then it sounds like he is just keeping you as a placeholder and stringing you along till something better comes along. I would cut your losses at that point.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend quite a number of years ago. What ended up happening is I realized that the guy would breadcrumb, dangle the carrot, and then go back on what he said. Wasted 4 years on a serial “engager”. He would get engaged to his girlfriends to “keep” them. I cut ties and left. He never had any intention of ever getting married, and guess what. He never did.

Sorry, one more thing. I can’t stand people who do this to others. Why not be up front and tell people the truth about your wants/needs and what you want for your life? Ugh... will shut up now.

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This especially makes me think that he just wants to keep you around so he has someone... unless he decides he wants someone else. You also mentioned that you guys rarely have disagreements... there's nothing wrong with disagreeing with your SO. It's good to have differing opinions on some things and to disagree with each other. In a way never disagreeing means that someone is pacifying and isn't actually letting out how they feel.

You deserve so much more than this guy. He's in his 40s, if he was ready to settle down and get married he would have already.