What does this even mean😞

My analysis:

He doesn't want you to leave - but that doesn't equal "he wants to marry you."

He proposed for the security. He likes the safety net that you are there, and thinks that if he has you as "engaged," you won't leave. You will stick around with the dangling carrot of eventually getting married.

This is why he says he "isn't ready" to get married - because it's open-ended. You'll hold out hope that someday he will be ready. Dangling carrot.

This is also why he says he "isn't going to talk about this right now." Because if you dig too deep, you'll corner him on a question he doesn't want to answer.

Some people propose because they think its the logical next step to their relationship. In their minds, the progression is dating, engaged, and then marriage, but each step kind of exists on its own. They think "we've been boyfriend/girlfriend long enough, I guess its time to get engaged" and see engagement as a standalone status vs seeing engagement as actually intending to be married and being as the step when you plan your wedding. I've never understood it, but definitely witnessed it.

For us getting engaged was literally just the time we needed to plan our wedding. At the point in which we got engaged, we were ready to be married, just needed time to pull it all together. Because we were already in our mid-30s, living together, and financially in a good place with established careers and savings, we did not desire a long engagement at all. To me, a prolonged engagement or engagement as a step on its own makes a lot more sense when you are younger and need time to gain financial independence and establish yourself. In my mid-20s, a two year engagement would have seemed appropriate, but my mid mid-30s with a guy I had already been with for four years, it just felt like a waste of time.

It sounds like your guy doesn't intend on getting married anytime soon, possibly ever. I think a serious talk, and possible re-evaluation of your relationship, is necessary. If he's not willing to talk to you about where you two stand, then the answer is pretty clear. I would stop wasting my time with someone who doesn't want the same things as you and move on, giving yourself the opportunity to find a partner who does.

View Quoted Comment Ty for that!! I was so embarrassed to post my life but I’m also just very confused and was wanting other opinions

View Quoted Comment I completely agree. He said he has only ever wanted to get married And have a family. He has changed since these statements

View Quoted Comment It is so hard because of course I love him and want forever with him but like you stated it is obvious this isn’t his plans for his future. I’ve been divorced and I hate thinking this is another failed step in my life

View Quoted Comment When I had the conversation about him not being ready he literally didn’t remember saying that, or at least that’swhat he said.

View Quoted Comment But where do I even begin on starting over? Everything we have was purchased together and I obviously started to invest in our future and he clearly has not. It’s like I’m not ready to give up because I love him so much but I also don’t know where to draw the line

View Quoted Comment It's kind of obvious that he doesn't feel the same though. You can love him and continue to be a doormat, or you can have an honest conversation and end it if needed. You deserve better than someone that doesn't feel the way you do.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. I deep down have known the obvious answer but for some reason I’m not ready to move on without him. We’ve invested in each other or at least I have in him. It’s embarrassing putting my business out there but I also need other opinions whom are not directly involved. I know, no one can understand my whole situation but most of the time he has me believing this is “normal” when I know deep down other wise. I feel sick to my stomach every living a day without him by my side and for some reason I keep believing if I just give it more time he will be ready.

View Quoted Comment I appreciate that. When I try to take he just shuts me out. He says “I’ve never been a talker with anyone and this is the most I’ve ever talked in any relationship “. He obviously is a total different person than I am and my previous marriage was great. We talked constantly and I was with him for seventeen years. I guess I don’t know how to let go. I love him. I’m not trying to change him, I’m just trying to figure out my future and our future. He says as well “you’re only thinking about yourself” which I have no idea how he even thinks that bc I just want stability and to know where I stand. How does one let go??

View Quoted Comment I feel the same way. But the few times I am ready to put my foot down and go, he says that’s not what he wants and how much he loves me. Yes I know he is just keeping me here for security but How do you just up and go and give up on someone you love? It stresses me out every single day and he makes me feel selfish and alone in wanting a direct answer. He has never had a successful relationship and his IS almost 43. I love him with all of my heart and I don’t think deep down he even knows what he wants. Before he proposed, I was the one who didn’t went to ever get married again. And he wanted to call off the relationship because “that’s his only goal in life. To have a long term happy marriage and a family “. So of course Since I saw how much he loved me and I loved him, I made that decision for us. I was just hurt from my divorce as anyone would be and wasn’t ready at that time to make a big decision. That’s why we both agreed to not elope and get married in a few months but now I’m the one pushing the subject and I’m getting nowhere. He also has said he’s afraid we won’t “make it”. Again , I believe, from his previous relationships effecting the way he thinks about us. So then I feel bad for him. And I don’t know… I’mso confused

View Quoted Comment Ugh. That’s what I’m afraid of.

View Quoted Comment I know. Thank you. Sometimes an outside opinion really is what you need to hear.

View Quoted Comment I know. But I guess the what ifs get to me. Most of the time besides this topic things are prefect...I guess I just don't understand how to let go and move on

View Quoted Comment No don't shut up!!! Lmao I need to hear it because I feel the same way.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree. I know disagreements are completely normal and of course we still have them from time to time. I was just trying to explain we really do have a good, solid relationship besides this topic. Then I constantly wonder if it is only that good because I'm allowing him to continue to be indecisive.

View Quoted Comment The conversation won't happen lol..I continuously try and tell him how much it is hurting me and stressing me out and his response is "then go". So I can't get a clear answer...yeah I know I sound stupid for being a door mat but I guess I'm afraid of leaving them always wondering about him and what could have been.

View Quoted Comment

He keeps giving you the answer, you should listen. You can't change a man's mind when he's not into you. He sounds like a user, and he'll stay and reap the benefits of a relationship as long as you give them without expecting anything from him. It's on you, but unless you're just really young and dumb, you know better.

View Quoted Comment I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve a loving person who would love to marry you.

View Quoted Comment Yes it’s 4 years. But if he’s talking to other females and playing these games with your heart, he’s showed you who he is. Please sweetheart don’t make the same mistakes I made. People on this forum are so awesome and supportive! I think they have given you great advice. Much love to you.