What is my obligation for guests coming in early for bridal shower?

Most people don't drive 4 hours and book a hotel for a shower. I honestly would not have invited anyone more than an hour away.


At the same time, showers don't necessitate a hosted dinner the night before, esp in your own home. That's the kind of thing you do for a destination wedding, and even then it's not required.
Sounds like your FMiL has boundary issues in general. I'd start standing firm now. If you book reservations at a restaurant, guests will expect you to host and be there the whole time. I would not set them up for such expectations.

Yeah, you absolutely have no obligation to even see them before the shower.

It seems like you've already offered a reasonable solution. I would hold firm on that, keep offering to show up when you are done with shower preparations. You already have plans and things to do so offering to show up at all is already a sacrifice

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all that stress. If your FMIL isn't helping with the shower and wants everyone to have a hosted dinner, then she should host one. She won't be busy helping and it's her side of family members. The shower is a single event on one day for a few hours. That window is the host's obligation, not the entire weekend. It's great that FH's family wants to be there to celebrate, but that doesn't entitle them to an entire weekend of being served. If they're traveling for time outside of the shower then they're responsible for themselves on that time. I think it would be a kind gesture (read: NOT a requirement) if you set up a group reservation and came by when you have time, but you can't be in two places at once.

I think your FMIL is making up traditions. This is not a wedding and rehearsal dinner, this is an optional wedding shower. If she is in fact the host, she should host it in entirety or reconsider the guest list. If she is expecting you to throw your own shower, cancel. You and your spouse can decline the whole party if not convenient to your schedule or budget.

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All the articles I read on the Internet said that you aren't truly required to invite the groom's extended family, especially if they live far away. We talked about hosting a separate shower where they live in NY, but FMIL wanted me/my mom to pay for that one too and with the extra venue rental fees and us staying in a hotel, it would've been ridiculous.

I have been trying to tiptoe around everyone's feelings and not hurt them. The sad thing is his family is probably not expecting anything and it's just FMIL getting angry. You are correct that she has boundary issues.

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Thank you! I never saw anything like this at the many showers I've attended. I am going to tell them that there is a lot of work to be done that evening and I can't leave my mom and maids of honor hanging, that would be even more rude I think!

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My mom said the same, that you want to include out-of-towners for the rehearsal dinner but a bridal shower is totally different. My mom is paying for everything for my shower, FMIL is not contributing anything. We invited her to stay with us that weekend so she could be a part of everything and she declined because it's my shower, not an event regarding her son. But now she wants a dinner hosted for her. LOL!

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Thank you It is always like this with her, but this is one event that I was told I am truly supposed to just enjoy so it's sad that it is going this way.

I think I would feel more obligated if we were somewhere remote with nowhere to eat, they didn't have their cars with them, etc. But they are at a hotel with an on-site restaurant and plenty of restaurants within walking distance. I think it's just a power move because my FMIL always expects to be the center of attention.

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Oh no. You never throw your own shower. This looks gift grabby. You can meet the extended family at the wedding.

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That's what I thought! Plus it would be ridiculous to do all of that for the 7 people coming in from his side. I would lose money lol

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Lol all the more reason for HER to host something then!

But in all seriousness, these people are all adults, and if they're capable of driving themselves 4 hours away for a shower then they're capable of taking care of themselves for an evening. Stick to your guns and enjoy your shower!

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Totally agree with Willow on the boundary issues with the FMIL and how a hosted dinner the night before is NOT necessary. And I agree with her (and several others) when I encourage you to stand firm!!! You got this!!!

There is no need to host a dinner, no. I would get on the same page with your partner and let them deal with her. Say no, and don't waver. Boundaries are important, and it sounds like she's trying to force a non-tradition here.

I didn’t read past the first paragraph bc I didn’t need to— oh heck no!!! For a shower? No way. A shower is a YOU party, honestly, all you should need to do is show up. It’s nice if you want to spend a little time with family in early but their choice to come then and their responsibility to entertain themselves. Sounds like FMIL just wanted to pass the buck, tbh.

I read the rest and now I just want to also say, FMIL is rude! She’s the rude one here, don’t let her pressure you.


A good catchphrase I’ve learned from this site is “No is a complete sentence” — which means, you don’t need to say more than that, you don’t need excuses or alternatives or apologies. Just a “no we will not be hosting an event that night. End of discussion” if it means they don’t want to come to your party (and it really doesn’t sound like that’s the case), their loss. But, I doubt they care, bc that’s totally abnormal for a shower, and I think FMIL is just pushing buttons so she can feel like she has some control.

Here is your obligation for Friday -- not a damn thing.


Use Friday to do what you need to get set up. If you want to and have time to meet them while they are at dinner or drinks, great. But it is not required. If your mother in law feels so strongly about it, she can host this additional dinner that she somehow determined was important.

Send them a list of nearby restaurants they can go to for dinner and say "look forward to seeing you at the shower". Seriously, you are under no obligation to host them on Friday night. You will never be able to make everyone happy so it's best if you start setting boundaries now so your mother-in-law will see that she can't dictate your life.

Your MIL is batty. You have no obligation to them whatsoever the night before. I think offering suggestions for dinner places is more than enough.