What to do about fighting

Well can I just say that even if you feel you did not do anything wrong how he feels is valid. I know I have a quick tongue and can be hugely sarcastic. To me something may not be a big deal but it can bother friends or family what I said or how I said it. People react to situations differently. I know if something bothers me and someone says well it would not bother me, I would just think that is you and I am okay to feel how I feel. With that said, I do not think it is fair of you to say he is making a mountain out of a molehill because while what you said maybe you felt was not a big deal but it was to him so just keep that in mind. Just how you feel he should not say you're in a mood bothered you may not have been a huge deal to him. Does that make you feelings less important? Of course not. It bothered you so he should keep that in mind just like how you came at him bothered him.

With that said I think couples therapy would be good for you both to work out those differences. The first year of marriage can be rough and you are getting used to each others personalities so I think that is what you both need to work through. Even if he does not go you can go for yourself because I feel in any relationship both people can work on themselves. Maybe talking to a therapist can also help you with how to better handle the situation as well.

Counseling should help! Arguments are inevitable, but you can learn how to fight/communicate through conflict.

Fights are definitely normal in a marriage, and they happen in every relationship. It's great that you both don't name call or fight mean, though resolving the issue is important too. When my fiance and I disagree, I try to see things from his perspective. If he's mad because I told him multiple times that I'd do something (take out the trash, do the dishes, etc) and he's mad because I kept forgetting, I try to see his perspective: if he promised me multiple times that he'd do something and still didn't do it, would I be upset? Probably. So in those times where I can see I'm wrong, I apologize, we come up with a plan, and move forward, and next time I try to be better. Otherwise, if we still disagree or can't resolve it, we set it aside for the night and will talk it out when we're both calmer. It's easier (for me, at least) to rationally work things out when I'm not already angry. Couples counseling is amazing for working through issues and learning strategies for resolving arguments, I strongly suggest setting up an appointment! It'll help bring you and your fiance closer together, you'll be on the same page as far as how you each handle arguments, and will help minimize future disagreements.

It sounds like therapy will be helpful so that you both feel heard. The fact that he said he told you not to repeat something multiple times and you did - in front of others - shows signs of major communication issues. Do you think he didn't tell you not to repeat it or were you not listening/applying what he had asked? I can understand how you aren't on the same page with arguments if you can't be on the same page of how they started.

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I think I just forgot or didn't realize that he had asked. The past couple of times I said it, he just kind of told me in a joking way that it was embarrassing to him. But this time, he just like melted down over it. I obviously didn't mean to hurt him because I didn't even realize I had hurt him the last few times I did it. I guess I just wasn't thinking.

So I don't really believe that you can have problems completely fixed prior to getting married - certainly you should strive to be better partners and communicators always and learn and accept certain things about each other prior to getting married. But there will always be fights, and sometimes people handle fights differently. By recognizing how your partner argues, and recognizing how you argue, you can adapt yourselves to get through these fights.

I am a yeller, I come from a very loud family, so when I argue, I am raising my voice to get my point across. My FH does not respond well to this, and I always feel like an idiot when I'm angry because he just shuts down and doesn't fight back. So I have to adapt and readjust my tone so that I can speak in a way that will still get my point across and get a response from him. Meanwhile he has learned that it's part of who I am, and if I'm angry in the heat of the moment, he lets me get it out first and then talks to me like a regular person.

Understanding that these are ways that we argue/fight took a lot of self-awareness and self-reflection, and we also did pre-marital counseling with the pastor who will be marrying us. Communication, whether everyday or in arguments, is necessary in keeping the relationship strong, and if you feel like there is no resolution to these arguments you're having, then you should defintely encourage your FH to seek counseling with you so that you can at least figure out a way to communicate with each other when you argue so that you can at least end these fights with solutions and on high notes instead of bad ones.

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I agree with this completely.... Each individual typically has a communication style (often grounded in their experience with their family of origin) and those can be really hard to change completely. However, it is very possible to better understand our own and the other person's natural style, and then learn to adapt. My H's family is extremely loud and blunt -- always have been -- and he/they tend to be pretty aggressive in their normal conversation, let alone in conflict. I grew up in a family that was MUCH quieter and MUCH more concerned about being "tactful" and subtle -- often to a point of avoidance or passive aggression. We've now been together almost 35 years and generally have come to a good middle-ground, but especially when he's tired or stressed or upset, he can talk in a loud and very sharp tone, which is often a trigger for me to shut down or snap back at him. I KNOW this is what is going on (and I'm college professor in Communication who TEACHES this stuff...) and I still get drawn in to the cyclical dynamic.... While I agree that it's unlikely you are going to forever resolve/fix these differences, through communication and/or therapy you can learn to better understand each other and what is going on, so you can develop more healthy strategies and patterns. It's not easy and it will NOT be perfect every time, but it can make things much better overall. Good luck!

You don’t have the right to tell someone you didn’t hurt their feelings. It sounds like you both are doing that to each other. You’re saying you don’t know why he’s so upset and he’s saying he doesn’t think it’s important to talk while you’re upset. Maybe start a conversation and say “I realize I was basically asking you to “get over it” and I apologize for that, this is how you made me feel when x,y,z happened. How can we make sure we don’t make the other person feel slighted”

You first have to take responsibility for your part of the cause of the fight. You aren’t doing that. You are saying you didn’t do anything wrong, but clearly you did if he has asked you several times not to say whatever you said. You were wrong.
Until you are both willing to admit your wrongs and apologize and work hard not to repeat those wrongs you are not going to have a healthy relationship. Arguments and fights happen and it sounds like you guys do argue “normal”. The issue it sounds like is more that you, and possibly both of you, are not willing to admit you’re wrong. That’s a problem.

We did couples therapy and it really helped. We communicate better and fight clean. No cursing, no screaming. Fighting is normal, and its how we cope with the fights

Kia's comment, "you don’t have the right to tell someone you didn’t hurt their feelings," is spot on.


If I'm upset I want my husband to try to comfort me; that's part of the reason to have a spouse.
If he tells me he doesn't need to try to make it better because I shouldn't BE upset, I'm going to be upset about THAT. If he's the reason I was upset in the first place, I'm going to be extra upset. (This is not good.)
If he then gets mad at me for being upset, he is in a mood because anger and frustration are moods. If I refuse to speak to him because of his mood, we are both going to be upset and nothing will be resolved. (This is also not good.)
Sometimes it's easier to look at things from an outside perspective, so hopefully that helped.
If he's open to going to therapy, it might be good for you to go with him so you can learn how to communicate with each other more effectively. If you see every argument as a sign of crisis, you'll avoid having them and it will be harder to get through things together. If you never, "name-call, insult, yell, swear, belittle, condescend, etc," your fights might be part of a normal relationship but it's okay to aspire to something better than normal.
You feel like the fights are a problem, and he doesn't have the right to tell you that your feelings aren't valid.

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Joking or not, sounds like he was trying to communicate something to you. Since it's something embarrassing he might not have felt comfortable sincerely asking "hey, I don't like it when you bring up xyz," so he couched it in humor - a common defense strategy. Bringing it up again pushed him too far because when he heard it come out of your mouth again, in his head he's going "I TOLD her not to say that?!" It does not matter that you didn't intend to hurt his feelings, you did and you need to own it and apologize.

Regarding him saying he didn't want to talk to you while you're in a "mood," I don't like his choice of words but agree with the sentiment. We do say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment. Usually the absolute best thing you can do is take a cooling off period - 15 minutes, an hour, whatever you need to come back and discuss with a level head.

I actually think your FH has some good communication strategies here - he's telling you what he needs, he's telling you how he feels. I think counseling is a very good idea but if I'm being honest here, based on what you've described, I think you are the one who needs to work on your listening skills (not saying he doesn't also have work to do). It's good that you guys don't name-call, etc. But these also sound like avoidable fights.

For reference, my FH and I don't fight. We bicker for sure. Or sometimes one of us is cranky and snaps at the other, but I can't remember the last time we had an actual fight. We've been together for 7+ years and have lived together for 3 so there's been plenty of time for issues to crop up, but they don't. The key is listening, being self-aware, and knowing/ trusting your partner enough to say "can you please give me some space for a few minutes."