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Just Said Yes October 2022

What to do about major disappointment with moh

Valarie, on October 25, 2021 at 8:51 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9
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Hello other future Brides! I need help with this situation. I'll try not to make this a novel lol. So I am a little less than a year away from my wedding and I am very much regretting my decision to ask my one friend to be my Maid of honor. I asked her pretty soon after we got engaged, which was last October. I was excited and thought I knew her well and we got along great. However since then we've had quite a few instances where she has snapped at me out of nowhere and I let it be because she always tells me how stressed she is and she has a baby.


One of these instances for example: she tried to guilt trip me for having to leave her house earlier than normal (keep in mind I was with her for 5 hours that day) because my mom had just lost her brother recently [my uncle] and I felt I needed to check on her. That honestly was appalling to me. But I just left and figured she would apologize to me at some point because that was crazy.... but she didn't. Moving on to the wedding. She has not asked me anything at all about how the planning is going, or shown any excitement or interest. If I bring my wedding up she quickly changes the subject to what's going on with her. My other bridesmaid actually asked for everyone's info in my bridal party to start planning things. Keep in mind I'm only having 3 people in my bridal party.
Moving on, our relationship has been strained since she freaked out at me for going to check on my mom. We haven't been talking very much and the other day she texted me to tell me she couldn't travel at all for my Bachelorette party. She literally goes on multiple trips a year with her husband and is about to go away with him for 6 days in Mexico without her 16 month old. Needless to say traveling isn't normally a problem for her. She also just went to Florida this past summer for 4 nights for her sister's Bachelorette party. I told her my Bachelorette party wouldn't be until September 2022 and maybe we could discuss more in person. I asked her what her reservations were about going [its Nashville which is less than a 2 hour plane ride]. She got very defensive. Her answer was that she has a child to take care of and its so hard to plan things out because she doesn't know where she'll be in a year and it's so hard having limited support.
Let me tell you, she has one of the most supportive husband's I've ever seen, her son is in daycare 3 days a week, she is a stay at home mom, her husband's mom is a very hands on grandma and takes her son often. She is only home alone 1 day a week with her child. It just seems like she's using her child as an excuse as to why she can't be involved with celebrating with me. I never have asked her for anything at all. All I wanted is for her to want to be involved with my wedding and celebrate with me.
I think its absolutely wrong. I feel that if she wanted to be there for me she would be. And I know I've been a very good friend to her, so honestly I'm hurt. I'm at the point where I don't even feel that I want her in the wedding. However... her husband is supposed to be officiating. So that's awkward. Do you have any suggestions on how I should proceed? I could have her as a bridesmaid but I'm not sure. How would you handle this? Sorry for the book. Smiley smile

9 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on October 27, 2021 at 12:52 AM
  • A
    Savvy March 2022
    Ashley ·
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    I think you have a couple of options that won't ruffle too many feathers:

    1) Talk to her about whether she is still comfortable with being the maid of honor, or if she would rather step down and be a bridesmaid. Then promote your other bridesmaid that is doing more legwork to be the maid of honor.

    2) It's perfectly okay to have two maid of honors. Maybe it would be less overwhelming if she can divide some duties with someone else. Since she is married she would be the matron of honor, and then promote your other bridesmaid to maid of honor. This option can help you avoid a potentially awkward conversation.

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  • mrswinteriscoming
    VIP December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    From what you’ve described, I actually wouldn’t be surprised if she possibly has post-partum depression or something along those lines. Between her panic at you leaving her house ‘early’ to not showing any excitement suggests to me that she may be dealing with more than you think right now (emotionally/mentally) and that perhaps she isn’t in a position right now to shower you in the excitement and interest you want – albeit, she was out of line about being angry at you for leaving her house for legitimate and compassionate reasons.

    I will say though, I don’t think you can be angry at her for not yet knowing if she will be able to attend your bachelorette. It’s not a mandatory event for her to attend and in any event, she has to prioritise her family and children above your wedding and like she said, who knows what her circumstances will be then. Regardless of whether she can or can’t attend, she isn’t obliged to and so much can change between now and then that I wouldn’t dwell on it.

    If you are interesting in remaining friends, I would meet up with her and have a heart-to-heart. Explain that you are worried about stressing her out with the wedding plans while she juggles motherhood and that you wanted to check in and see if she is ok, and that if she needs to step down or pull back from the wedding, that she can come to you about that and that you will be understanding of it. Don’t approach it from the view of ‘YOU aren’t doing x, y, z’ but rather approach it from a place of compassion for your friend and making sure she is ok and that it all isn’t too much.

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  • P
    Devoted April 2023
    Peyton ·
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    I don’t think she wants to be you moh. She is obviously dealing with some major stressors that are affecting her judgment and her ability to be a good friend. I would tell her that you are worried about her health, that she hasn’t been her self lately, and that it has made you want to do anything possible to remove some of her current burdens. Ask her if she would like to just attend the wedding as a guest. Give her full permission to back off. If she doesn’t, then you will have to decide if you can tolerate her current behavior.

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  • C
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    Empathy. Just give her an easy out. She’s overwhelmed. It isn’t personal. Give her some compassion, you have no idea what she’s going through.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Keep in mind that your wedding isn't until a year from now. There's really nothing she needs to be doing. She has a new baby, I'm assuming, and so is probably busy with that. If you ask her to leave the wedding party this will likely end the friendship. I would think about lowering your expectations of her instead.

    This is a good reason why we tell people to wait until 6-9 months beforehand to ask the wedding party.

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  • Samantha
    Super August 2022
    Samantha ·
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    My MOH was a co-MOH in a wedding specifically because one of the MOH's was the childhood bestie and great for partying, but my MOH is an A+ planner and lives for her spreadsheets (but let me tell you, girl cant partyyyyyy). It was a great system for them, and it let my MOH do the parts she wanted to do and the co-MOH do the parts she wanted to do with a lot less pressure on both of them!

    With only 3 people in your wedding party, it might be awkward for the third member if you have one Maid OH, one Matron OH, and then her as the bridesmaid, but that's totally something you could talk to her about.

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  • Angel
    Savvy February 2022
    Angel ·
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    She honestly sounds like she doesn’t want the responsibility of being the MOH. I’d sit down with her and ask if she still wants the responsibility of that role since she seems so busy. If she says she doesn't then move her to a bridesmaid and someone else as the MOH. Your relationship might get better after not being under that type of strain. If she insists that she still does want that role, I'd set very clear boundaries of what you expect from your MOH. Unfortunately some people will accept the role without fully understanding what their responsibilities will be.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    This is the best answer. This is your closest friend and if you want to maintain the friendship, accept her where/who/how she is and don't keep any wedding-related expectations that she can't live up to.

    Also, for your own peace of mind, hire a professional officiant.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    MOH is a position to honour someone near and dear to you. It doesn't come with responsibilities.

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