What to Do with a Messy Spouse?!

If this is how he has been for the past 20+ years, it doesn't sound like much is going to change especially since it sounds like you've already done things to try to make adjustments. This is honestly one reason I think couples should live together before they get married to make sure they can deal with things like this.

Hm... There are always something we don’t like about our spouses. But hey, at least this is not a serious relationship problem. I actually have the opposite problem. Dh grew up in a messy household, and I think it traumatized him and since he moved out he developed ocd. When we got married he expected me to do all house chores and take care of our kids while he works. At some point I was sick and tired mentally and physically, so had enough and I blew up. He now do most of the household chores while still working full time. Now he knows house chores are tiring and complaining doesn’t help 😂 I think men like ours need to be left alone with the kids and house until the house is super messy and then they realize clean up after themselves is very crucial to avoid pilling up the chores. What if you don’t clean his stuff? Maybe he is used to have you cleaning up after him and that why he doesn’t do it?

Hi Jessica! My husband and I discussed chores and such before moving in and we came to an agreement- every other week is our turn. That person gets groceries, laundry and cleans the house. Certainly we each will throw a load of laundry in sporadically and such so it’s not a hard and fast rule, but we’ve developed a good jive. We take responsibility for our own cars, but I much appreciate my husband who often cleans mine as a surprise (I’m definitely the messy one!). Perhaps a new routine and new expectations need to be placed and he will develop an appreciation for all the chores you do. This is common for sure and me and my husband still work on that balance. Good luck ❤️

Eeks... it is hard to not sound like you’re nagging, but at the same time telling him to be a good husband / roommate essentially. I would suggest therapy honestly. If it’s already bugging you and you don’t want to nag, but looking for change...
Best wishes!

Dear Jessica,

I had the same exact issue with my FH when we first started dating (and even a bit now! I made a post recently about him and his newfound puppy parent responsibilities). Obviously, FIRST, you need to let him know what you've talked about in the past, what you've observed so far (as far as his commitment to what he had stated previously) and then your expectations for the future. As Belle mentioned above, some of us grew up in absolutely disgusting homes and were traumatized and are complete neat-freaks now. I am 100% one of these people! As you mentioned, some men (men, especially, haha) are treated like golden gods and aren't given any kind of responsibility growing up. My FH is 100% one of those people. And just like I had to break habits of being nit-picky or overly critical, he's had to break bad habits of things like not ever hanging up or folding a single piece of laundry, ever, period. After 5 years together, I still can still be a bit rude, and he can still leave his socks on the ground after a day of work, but we've come a really, really long way.

Campbell gets better every single day, and I try to, too. By doing so we reinforce our commitment to each other... And then sometimes, he says he's "cleaned," but by the time I've gotten home it's all dirty again! So, it's a give and take. Some people can't (or out of respect for their fine, confident selves, won't, haha) take the time to grow with someone. They kind of want a partner that's "move-in-ready," but I find that with the relationships I've been in that have seemed that way, we end up growing farther and farther apart as time goes on, rather than closer and closer together. It kind of reminds me of getting a puppy. My dog is amazing and wonderful, and he gets better and better as he gets older; but he's still a 100 lbs dog, there will be times in which he literally drags me across the pavement to, say, get to the car door.

My FH is the same way. he's amazing and fills my days with wonder and joy; but, his deadly sins are sloth and gluttony... There will be time is which I find him passed out under an empty pound bag of Hershey's Kisses, with the wrappers strewn around his tummy like an otter with its oysters. It definitely beats coming home and finding that he's gambled all of our money away or with a girl on his lap, instead!

Thanks so much for your post! I hope I offered a tiny bit of insight. I've found that the same give and take/deadly sins comparison helps with choosing a roommate, too (that's actually when I started using "7 deadly sins" to describe certain "defaults" that I could not live with lols)!

Aubrianna Abbema

DH and I are both kind of messy, and both hate cleaning.

So.

We make a Thing out of it. We put on podcasts or something that we both want to learn about, and then tackle whatever needs cleaning together (unless the chore needs us to communicate, like sorting through things or lifting things). This way we share responsibility, and can distract our minds at the same time.

But you should absolutely talk to him, using "I" statements. Point out how it makes you feel like his maid/parent, how much extra work it is for you, and that kind of thing. It's going to be hard for him, because he never did it growing up - it's a new skill.

My husband is the exact same way!

My husband is my in-law's only son (he has two younger sisters), and my MIL had a hard time getting pregnant at first so my husband was her miracle baby. He didn't have to do any chores growing up either. It's sad for me to say this, but he didn't even use a vacuum until after we got engaged because his mom always did it for him, lol. Our work schedules differ and I get up at 5:30 and have to be at work by 7:30. Whereas he don't have to be at work until 8:30-9:00, and since he is always the last one to leave the house, the bed never gets made -which is one of my biggest pet peeves. When he gets his clothes out of the closet for work he throws the hangers on our bedroom floor. Anything he uses to make himself breakfast is left in the sink. I don't think he knows we have a dishwasher . He leaves his water bottles all over the house; literally, he will finish drinking it and just drop the bottle on the floor when he is done unless he's near the garage, then he'll put it in the recycling bin. He comes home from work and leaves his belt on the floor in the living room and leaves a trail of clothes from the living room to the bathroom where he showers - I will say though, he does pick them up and throw them in the laundry room when he gets out of the shower so I can't really complain there. He doesn't even know how to work our washer or dyer and you can forget about him putting laundry away .

Over the years I have come to accept my not-so-neat husband and it's not something I get mad at anymore. He and I have talked about it and he tries to pick up after himself but after not having to do anything for himself since he was a kid (because his mom always took care of it up until he and I got together), he still forgets sometimes. Picking up after him is just something that I do without thinking about it now, lol. If it's bothering you, I'd say sit down and talk to your spouse about it. Maybe talk about splitting up the responsibilities so he does some cleaning and you do the other, and maybe every other week you switch.

Oh boy. I'm sorry, but you need to have higher expectations for him. Marriage is a partnership, and you are living in a shared home. If you treat him like his mother did, he will continue to live like he did in his mother's house. He needs to be expected to carry his weight with the chores, not just clean up after himself like a child. By doing everything, you are mothering him more than you would be by asking him to help.


I have a friend whose relationship was like this, compounded by the man's idea from his culture that the woman should do all the housework. She basically had to break him in. He was expected to help with some things, and while he fought it a bit at first, he is now happy to help and keeps a cleaner house because he knows how much work it takes to do chores.
You need to sit down with your husband and come up with some responsibilities for him. Let him pick his chores, but he needs some. He needs to be acting like an adult and a partner to you. Also, he needs needs needs to hang up his own clothing instead of dumping it in a hamper for you.

My fiancée is not super messy but definitely is not a chore doer either. He will do something if I ask, but very rarely will just decide on his own to clean something. We’ve lived together for a while and I’ve just come to accept that if there is something I need him to get done, I have to ask. Otherwise, it’s up to me to do it. I’m okay with that because usually cleaning is something I find enjoyable.