What to do with moh

First of all, nursing school is work. When you say she can't "drive down" for bridal events does that mean she's more than 30 min away? If so, then you are expecting a lot. Her only job is to show up for your wedding and stand by your side.

View Quoted Comment I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I’ve been to nursing school myself and if I have the time to go out and get wasted every weekend, I would at least make the time to be supportive and show up to at least one of the events for one weekend. We spoke about ways she could help me from the beginning and I never held it against her if she couldn’t keep her word because I know how stressful college can be. It’s the fact that she seems like she doesn’t even want to show up to any of these events except the wedding. If she was just a bridesmaid, I wouldn’t have expected much, but it’s all talk and no action when she knowingly knew the expectations.

I completely understand if she lives close by and is not making the effort. If you are asking her to travel (time and money), which you haven't made clear, then that is different.

Her only obligations are to purchase a dress and show up on the wedding day to support you. Contrary to what wedding social media wants you to believe, they are not required to do more than that. Especially with such a huge work load on top of that.

View Quoted Comment If that were the case then there shouldn’t be a different title apart from being a bridesmaid. Family and friends (including moh) have said other wise.

View Quoted Comment She lives 4hrs away and I’ve offered to pay for her gas and she didn’t say money was the issue either. If she can’t make it because of time or nose she would have said so. When I hear “hopefully” I see it as most likely not. It’s a week from now and I’d think at this point she’d for sure know.

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Nope this is incorrect. A position as MOH is a chance for you to honour HER as an amazing person in your life. It's not a job and she's not your employee. If she's in nursing school she is working. Also you don't get to judge that. You have all of this backwards.

View Quoted Comment THIS. The title of MOH is a way for you to honor her as being your nearest and dearest- it is not a job title. The MOH has no other obligations than to show up on your wedding day and support you.
Expecting her to drive an 8 hour round trip for a shower or bachelorette party is a bit unreasonable. I’d modify your expectations moving forward.

View Quoted Comment I may have gotten this backwards from the beginning but that was the impression I’ve gotten especially from my moh who said she’d be there through all the pre-planning events. It’s not like we didn’t communicate this from the beginning. It’s the last minute cancellations and unsureness.

View Quoted Comment No where did I say I expected her to drive 8hrs in one day. She said she was going to stay over the weekend if she did show up, it’s just the last limit change of heart of actually being there. We agreed to have her attend and support the pre-wedding events if she could but I didn’t think her excuses were valid. If her driving down was the problem she would’ve said so not just say I have a migraine after a night of drinking out. This bachelorette and bridal shower was planned months in advance and she originally said she’d show up but now is flaking. If she was more honest It’d be more understanding, but it hurt my feelings when she said she’ll “hopefully” see me at the bridal shower because I’m taking that as “i probably won’t go but I can’t say no”. If she would’ve never mentioned promising to attend these things and waiting last minute to cancel then I wouldn’t have expected more from her but to be at the wedding. I am seeing so many different things on wedding apps about etiquette this and that but I told her from the beginning on what’s expected and she was supportive then.

View Quoted Comment I never said you expected her to drive eight hours in one day. I simply said an eight hour trip, which it would be for her - four hours there and four hours back – no matter how it’s split up. I understand your disappointment that your friend could not attend one of your events, and may not be able to to attend another one. To put it bluntly though, it is not your right to judge whether or not her reasons are “valid”. Only SHE gets to decide that. As a person who gets migraines, they are no joke! I actually go partially blind with mine! I spend the entire day in a completely silent, pitch dark room with sunglasses on, in excruciating pain! Being upset with someone for not attending your event due to a migraine is incredibly insensitive (regardless of the reason she got the migraine). I think you should remind yourself that this is your best friend and start regarding her with more understanding and grace. If she feels the drive is too far, or if she has too much homework, etc. etc to attend your shower, then accept her decline gracefully. Tell her she will be missed and you cannot wait to celebrate with her at the wedding.

View Quoted Comment So you're asking your best friend who is a full-time student to give you a full day and overnight to watch you open shower presents at a 3-hr party? A while ago she may have hoped her curriculum load was low enough to add fun into her schedule, but it does not. It would actually be quite stressful to force herself to party for you when time does not allow, so she made choices. Last minute cancellations are impolite, but she prob thought you wouldn't take "no" well.

View Quoted Comment I just don’t think any of the plans we’ve made are priorities for her. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around that fact that she’ll stay out all night drinking on the weekends but can’t make time to celebrate with me. If I was in her shoes I’d do my best to show up and not cancel last minute. She had a self induced migraine by drinking the night before the bachelorette so I really carry no sympathy for her that day. I’d rather her be upfront and honest about it but she’s been avoiding that conversation, she wouldn’t answer directly either. I understand what everyone is saying but who wouldn’t have some type of expectations after being told multiple times of what brides should expect from MOHs. She isn’t the only person who’s in college and is more than 2hrs away either. One of my other bridesmaid told me she can’t make it to the bridal shower ahead of time because of school, so I understood that. It’s just the last minute change of heart from my moh. It’s like she’s backing away.

Have you tried talking to her about it? There are still plenty of things she can do. Like going to dress appointments or helping you with decor and decorating. Keeping you on track the day of. I think you should just mention to her that it’s hurting your feelings.

View Quoted Comment Our wedding is in less than a month. There’s really nothing else she could do but to show up at the bridal shower (which she already doesn’t think she can make it) and wedding. She wasn’t very involved in our bridal party group chat because she’s been busy also. Hasn’t helped plan anything which I didn’t get upset about originally but things just kept adding up. I asked how it made her feel being a moh and if I’m putting too much pressure on her and she didn’t answer me directly like she avoided the question and just responded to “I just don’t want you disappointed in me, I’ll make it up to you with lunch one day”. I’ve pondered about it and just decided to have a co- MOH in case my original one doesn’t show up or make a speech.

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The MOH doesn't have to make a speech, it could be anyone. The new co-MOH may end up feeling like second choice, and a replacement for the first MOH, even if you keep both.

View Quoted Comment The co-MOH is my younger sister and I already spoke to her about it, she’s totally ok with it. She originally couldn’t help out with the planning even tho she wanted to but since those are basically over with, she’s ok to doing the speech if my first moh couldn’t.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this. No one ever enjoys being second place. It’s not a bridesmaid/maid of honor’s job to help plan the wedding or participate in a group chat.


Friendships are a two way street, and you are doing alot of judging. What she does in her off time is not your concern. If you can’t sit down and have a conversation about what is bothering each of you, maybe you are not as good friends as you thought. It’s also possible that she doesn’t feel comfortable saying no.

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Also the current MOH may end up feeling hurt about being partially replaced with the new "co-MOH"

It sounds like your events aren't her priority for one reason or another, and there isn't any way you could bend that to make it make sense for you because like you said, you would have handled it completely differently than she did.

In light of everyone's comments about expectations: upon asking her to be MOH, did you lay out what you wanted from her? Unless you said bridal party + bach are required [which would def ruffle some feathers anyway] then you can't be upset with her for choosing another event to go to [drinking, bar, whatever she was doing] but it is okay to be hurt by her choices.

MOH is a position of YOU honoring HER, but there are usually hopes of MOH hosting bridal showers, bachelorettes, etc, and all of that must be discussed beforehand. Otherwise you're forcing expectations on somebody who may not have the capacity or desire to fulfill.

Even though she's your MOH, that doesn't mean she sees your big day the same way you do. Often times, brides realize that unfortunately, most don't care about your wedding nearly as much as you do.

I was MOH for my sister and I look back and realize how much I didn't do for her that I want her to do for me. Same for my best friend. And I didn't do it on purpose, I just didn't realize the importance until it was my turn. This could easily be the case, and you should cut her some slack for that! I also bailed on my best friend [whom I was MOH for] halfway through her bach because her other friends were crappy to me. There's always a reason.

I'd suggest letting it go and deciding how you'd like your friendship to progress post-wedding.