What traditions do you think are outdated and should no longer apply in 2021?

The honeymoon fund. Many people don’t like it where I’m from, but as people get married in their 30s, now more than ever, I think it should be an option for them as they likely have most of their household items.

Some people think making the exception for infants in a no kids wedding is rude, and I totally disagree. Mothers should be allowed to bring infants who solely rely on their bodies for food. This is the hill I will die on (going to be interesting when I have my own baby)

I totally disagree with you on 1, it's caused me a lot of problems lately. Everyone just tosses formal on, so I oblige, while older guests dress to the venue. Guess who always looks more appropriate? The older guests.

I agree with your 2 suggestions and I'd add that these etiquetteds on't have to be respected at all costs anymore:

1: The bride has to pick girls and women only for her side of the WP, the groom has to pick boys and men only.
2: You have to mail printed invitations and RSVP cards: digital invites and RSVP are totally fine and you can save money.

3: You have to have a formal rehearsal dinner: serving BBQ or pizza at the RD is not a big deal.

4: The bride has to walk down the aisle with her father only and the groom has to walk down the aisle alone.

5: The couple can't see each other before the ceremony: first look is definitely something sweet with many,many pros.

5 bis: The bride can't show her dress to her fiancée before the big day! Mine showed me hers right after bringing it home, neither of us cares about most wedding traditions and we're not supersticious!

6: You have to give a +1 to your single guests , especially because my fiancée and I decided NOT to invite anyone we have never met . However: a significant other IS NOT a +1 but a normal guest, so they don't count as +1s.

7: The cake cutting has to be a big show performed in front of the whole crowd.

I half disagree with number 2. I don't care about who throughs or hosts bachelorettes. The only input a bride should have for a shower is location, guest list, and date and time. Everything else she shouldn't be involved in.

Here is my list

1. "Pay for your plate" This is one of the worst gifting "rules" I have ever seen come up in any wedding group. How much you choose to spend on catering is your choice, and tells poor people that they should not attend or they are less deserving of a nice gift because they have a lower budget wedding. Gift what you can afford.

2. No ring no bling/setting a cap on "serious relationships". Some people don't get married, some know they want to spend their life with the person after a couple weeks, months, or years. It's no ones place to judge.

3. I will also die on this hill. Infants that rely on their mother for food should be able to attend.

4. Wedding Party's are NOT required to attend anything other than the wedding itself nor are they required to host any party in the brides honor. There are too many brides who end friendships over their friends lack of attendance to pre wedding events or friends who don't have the means to host them.

Speaking strictly to etiquette, not trends. There are actually very few etiquette rules I disagree with.

1. Having to be coy about gifts. Let's be real: everyone freaking knows that gifts are socially expected for a wedding. It's not some secret that the couple is expecting to receive gifts. While I still think cards in the invite are tacky, I don't see why it has to be strictly "word of mouth." I think you should be able to put it on your website. In this day and age, people want to be able to just go to your website and find all information they need or want: hotels, transportation, venue, and yes, gift preferences.

2. Having to be coy about gifts, part two: you should be able to ask for whatever you want. That includes cash, money for your honeymoon, etc. Practically no one waits to live together before marriage anymore. Most couples already have their household essentials. Not everyone wants to register for an upgraded blender just because it's "rude" to ask for cash. You shouldn't have to play stupid games like not registering for anything and hoping guests get the message that you want cash. You should be able to just say, "we have all of our household needs and would prefer cash gifts." I also don't see why asking guests for funds toward your honeymoon is taboo, but asking them to buy you fancy china isn't. They're both luxuries you don't need, which is the point of gift-giving. Gifts should not be required to be "necessities".

If I think of more, I will come back. These are the ones that always rub me the wrong way.

View Quoted Comment So much this. I’m a bit older and back when my peers were all getting married in the late 80s-early 90s, in our circle it was understood - registry or cash. And registry was for things like China and Crystal. It was so easy.
Now, I give money unless it’s for a coworker and that’s just my hangup. And I’m blunt - if someone from work is getting married, I ask for the registry.

And of course I say this when I am trying to find a way so that everyone knows we really really don’t want gifts of any kind - cash counts as a gift to me.

This is more of a tradition or expectation in the US rather than etiquette, since I don't think being a good and gracious host should ever be outdated.

I think the wedding couple should pay for all bridal party attire if they want to dictate any of it, as well as hair, makeup, shoes, accessories, etc. People shouldn't have to pay to be treated as a photo prop to meet someone else's vision. Anything related to aesthetics should be paid for by the couple.

View Quoted Comment Yes, I know it gets expensive, but I would feel terrible that people were spending money to be on my wedding. I know it’s not typical, though, but I’m paying for the dresses, and no one is getting pro makeup. If they want to come with me to get hair done, I’ll pay for that. But it will be a salon, not a stylist coming to the venue.
BUT my bridesmaids are my two adult daughters and his adult daughter, so it’s easy for me to tell them I’m buying LOL

Longtime lurker, infrequent poster.

In the last year, I've felt pretty strongly about a few:

1) No one is entitled an invitation to your wedding. You DON'T have to invite someone because they're family or an old friend. You DO have to be prepared to deal with any consequences. You get to decide if those consequences are worth a more intimate wedding.

2) I see a lot of strong feelings about the no kids/infants rule, but same as #1. If you've got a small child and you can't/don't want to be separated for an evening, you don't have to come. The couple has no right to be offended by your refusal, but you don't really have any grounds to be offended that they didn't cater the day specifically to you. No one balks at inviting elderly relatives who may not travel, or anyone else you know probably won't be able to attend. This is no different.

3) The fanciness of the invites =/ the fanciness of the event. Just the amount of money the couple was willing to spend on something that will get thrown away right after the wedding.

4) How many of us have ever gone to a wedding where we didn't give a gift (one where "no gifts" wasn't explicitly stated)? At this point, it's almost an implied social contract. So I see nothing wrong with registry information being prominently posted, or the couple making it known they would rather receive cash than presents. Yes, it's wrong for the couple to feel entitled to a gift, but there's no harm in making gifting preferences known.

5) I think people need to remember that etiquette is a guideline, not a set of hard and fast rules - and unless your guests got married very recently themselves, they're probably not up to date on all the etiquette wedding sites prescribe. If you find yourself having to downsize or do something else outside of traditional etiquette, it's okay. It happened in Emily Post's time too. Keep clear communication with your guests and ask yourself how you would feel if someone else did it to you, then take steps to mitigate hurt feelings.

View Quoted Comment Pretty much all of these for me too.

I don't mind wedding etiquette and see it more as guidelines. Why would I want to reinvent the wheel in addressing envelopes? I do take issue with some American traditions, that tend to be gender-based:

1) Bride's parents pay for the wedding. Groom's parents pay for the Rehearsal. Well, my groom's family are just rolling up the day of and that's who they are.

2) Single gender wedding parties or having any wedding parties at all.

3) "Giving away a bride" by the Father. Anyone that walks with the bride is honorable.

3) Bouquet toss and garter toss. To me it's not Feminist, but for others it is non- issue.

4) Children at weddings as a give-in. Before it was not common, and I get insulted when people presume and are themselves insulted.

5) Using so much paper in formal events. This just makes me ecologically guilty, but not having a paper menu at a plated dinner is incomplete.

As long as you have people interacting with each other, etiquette will always be a rule. The entire purpose is to navigate social situations with the least amount of awkwardness. So tossing it out gives the impression that people prefer chaos and don’t care who they offend.


That said, I don’t think any etiquette needs to be tossed out because it exists for a reason.
A tradition on the other hand can be tossed out at will if it doesn’t fit the situation or couple. Yes people may be upset but you aren’t going out of your way to offend others by doing so.
People confuse tradition and etiquette all the time, and they are not and have never been the same thing. A bouquet toss is tradition and no one will be offended if you skip it. Making exceptions for some select children while telling everyone else that it is a child free event is a breach of etiquette because you are offending guests. If you decide to skip an MC doing speeches or announcements, that is tradition in some circles, while a honeymoon fund and other cash requests are a breach of etiquette. A cake and punch reception is tradition but skipping the reception entirely is not ok.

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Where I come from, almost everyone has a 'wishing well' and this is actually communicated to guests - it is viewed as practical and most definitely does not generally cause offense to anyone. I understand that Americans look down on this practice but funnily enough, by the same token, we cannot understand the practice of making a small registry for things you don't need just for the sake of it.

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I love these! 100% in agreeance with you regarding #2. I myself don't have children yet but honestly I can't imagine even actually wanting to bring a baby to a wedding and being on milk duty.

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You're right, I have most definitely confused tradition with etiquette in some respects. Though I have to disagree with you.

If a couple wants to have a ceremony only, providing they aren't secretly having a reception with select guests, I don't see the issue with skipping the reception. After all, go back 100 years and weddings were pretty much just ceremonies. On the same note, where I come from, cash requests are common place and no one batts an eyelid, if anything we actually like knowing what to gift the couple getting married!

I truly don't understand why bridal showers are still a thing. The historic "need" for them in certain cultures and places (people getting married very young, before they have their own households set up) has completely disappeared. Customs and traditions related to bridal showers is changing are real time and it all just seems so...unnecessary to keep this going.

I also would love to see ALL of the expectations, communication, rules, etc. around gift giving at weddings just go away. It's become its own industry, and the amount of hurt feelings we see here related to gifts is all just so exhausting. If the expectations went away, the upset would, too.

I am not sure if this is answering the question, but honeymoon funds, memorial tables, or anything that asks for money needs to stop. Heck I think Save the Dates need to go, they are as good as an invite and people, a year later, are often" "Oopsies! Can I not invite them?" Yep, you do. Also, the number of people who want to "fire" their attendants is out of control. I am a bit older, most likely, than a lot of folks on here, so maybe I am old school, but: Open Bar is a must, and if you don't want to leave your kids at home with a sitter then we will miss you. Your tots will be bored, crying to leave and running around the dance floor when/if they get a second wind.

Dollar dances were a thing back in the 70's - glad they are gone. Tossing the bouquet needs to end too. Yeah I am single, please don't make me catch flowers as a sign I will get married. Maybe I like being single!!!!

Asking for money irks me as you are making an optional life choice with an optional celebration. Please don't ask me to fund it.

Don't ask your attendants or guests to work. They are not there to serve coffee, serve punch or move chairs. Their obligation is to show up sober and dressed.

Give every single person a plus one. I don't care if a guest met a girl the week before at Applebee's - as long as she is not rude or drunk.....so what?

View Quoted Comment I think save the dates are really helpful, especially in the US where so many employers don’t give any vacation time, or very little. I know people who do get vacation but have to request it a year in advance. Being able to mark it down and plan in advance can be a lifesaver!

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Oh I get they are useful. I have just seen so many posts on people who mail them, seemingly, the day after they get engaged for their wedding two years away and now......well some of those people are not in your life, lol. I was married the first time in the early 90's and a Save The Date was a phone call on your wall phone telling your VIP's you are getting married on a certain day, lol.

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Yes, I feel the same way. There are too many practical reasons NOT to send save the dates to your entire guest list and we see examples here daily. Send them to your VIPs only (if you must send them), but do your future self a giant favor by not sending them to all of the outer circle guests.