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Just Said Yes September 2015

What would you do? Skip brother's wedding or no?

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Private User, on October 5, 2019 at 9:49 PM

My brother is getting married in 1 week. His fiance has caused a lot of drama in our family who never has drama. They live 3 hours away from us & rarely come back to see family.. until our dad passed away & they got engaged. Now they appear to be family oriented to our extended family.(aunt's/uncle's/cousins) They put on a good front for all the issues they've caused.

My sister paid for all of us to get massages together & they ditched out the morning of because they were arguing about drunk bar fights. My sister could not get her money back because it was Pat the allowed cancellation time frame. Then, the fiance couldn't decide if she was coming on an extended family vacation that we were staying in a cabin for. By the time she finally decided & showed up around 11:30 at night, she threw a fit because she didn't have a "room" & had a pull out couch in the living room. This year for this same family vacation they said they couldn't go because they are planning a wedding but then planned their own vacation that SAME weekend at a different resort away from family. He told my sister that she could not come to the bachelor/bachelorette party because they didn't have room for her. The issues continue on & on.. nothing but drama. that we have NEVER had in the family.

Now, for this wedding my mom is paying for nearly everything. We have one sister who is a bridesmaid. Myself & another sister are "candlelighters". The fiance put myself & my 5 year old daughter (flower girl) down for hair appointments at 8 am in a city over an hour away. We would have to get up at 6:30 am to get our hair done & are not needed for pictures until 1:30 pm. She was so unbelievably nasty about me saying I'm not keeping the 8 am appt & will schedule something else if no one can be moved to a different time. She has all bridesmaids at 9 am & refuses to have them start at 8 am because she doesn't want their "make up melting". Okay fine, so I scheduled my hair for 12 pm. The fiance told me I needed to stop trying to make their day about me.. because I rescheduled my hair to go AFTER everyone else. I think it is unreasonable & inconsiderate to have a 5 year old up at 6:30 am for a 4 pm wedding & her hair will be completely ruined by the wedding.

Then she sends out a new hair schedule & highlights behind my name "she arranged this so if she misses wedding party pics at the lake at 1:30 that's on her). Insert eye roll here as she clearly cannot address me in an adult manner.

So then fast forward a couple more days & brother calls me to tell me that since he is paying for the party bus it his decision that he does not want me on the party bus after the wedding & says "I will have security there to remove you if you do try to get on". Wait? Am I a threat or criminal? I'm confused. So I said, okay, if that's what you want.. I just hope that some day you do not regret the way that you've treated your sisters & family. His response, "nope, never will". My mom is absolutely heart broken at all of this & is so upset that is doing all of this. She completely sides with me & dreads the whole wedding. So, what would you do?

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VIP March 2019
Yoice · on October 6, 2019 at 9:42 AM
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This is so sad but in the end that’s your brother. You need to ask yourself if you’re ok missing your brothers wedding regardless of how much he has change or how difficult she is. Maybe in the future she would change once they have kids and is something you’ll regret missing. I also think you should go because of your mom. She might need the moral support and to know she’s not alone. It would make her more sad if you’re not there. That’s just my opinion.
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on October 6, 2019 at 11:03 AM
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I think I would go for your mom’s sake. HOWEVER, and maybe this is me being a horrible person...I wouldn’t be opposed to accidentally forgetting something or getting your hair done the wrong way, ya know what I mean? Lol
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Just Said Yes September 2015
Private User · on October 6, 2019 at 11:28 AM
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Thanks for all the responses so far. I just feel that having a 5 year old (the youngest of the bridal party) up at 6:30 am to get hair done (before any bridal party) in a town 1.25 hours away (that the rest of the bridal party is staying in) is not a considerate or reasonable plan. I'd have to follow her for over 4 hours saying, don't jump, don't lay down, etc. so not to ruin the hair for the wedding.

Her nieces are getting their hair done at 10 & 11. The bride & her bridesmaids aren't even starting their hair until 9 am. I guess I was much more considerate in my wedding & let my girls pick the time that worked for them. I feel like she herself is cutting it close starting hair & make up at 9 when she has pictures starting at 12. The salon even said they will not do a flower girl at 8 am. But.. apparently a hair appt has completely ruined everything. My my response was this,

"Why not have the bridesmaids who need to be in pictures earlier start their hair at 8 am? Brielle & I will not be there at 8 am for hair.. that is too long for a 5 year old to maintain an updo until a 4 pm wedding & I'm not needed until 2:30. I spoke with Corie to pencil myself & Brielle in later & she said she doesn't care who is when but she needs 4 people at 8 am & prefers it to be bridesmaids. If it doesn't work for myself & Brielle to go later then let me know I will schedule something elsewhere so not to mess up your schedule. Thanks."

So at this point if I go, I'm thinking I will only go for family pictures & then leave. I don't want my mom to not have a family picture from her son's wedding as we obviously all have a nice family picture from everyone of our weddings. I definitely will not be participating in the wedding as a "candle lighter". As far as him addressing everything with me is simply because the fiance tells him to. She is crazy.. they broke up one time & she said he couldn't move out of her house because she made him sign a lease & when they broke up he told me she gets pissed if he doesn't like or comment on everything she puts on FB. She is controlling & has been the only reason he has ruined his family's relationship. It's absolutely heartbreaking as we all anticipated the day he would find someone & getting married. This is not what we wanted for him. My mom is so upset at their actions towards us & dreads this whole week.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on October 6, 2019 at 11:49 AM
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I would go to support my brother, even if he was marrying an a - hole. I would opt out of the hair services though, and just meet at the photo site , though at this point it will probably mean lost deposits (who is paying? Bride? You? Mom?— id factor that in. If me backing out of the appointment would cause the bride or my mom to lose all the money, I’d probably pay or offer to pay. I don’t ever have to be friends with my brother’s wife, but I want to avoid alienating my brother completely in case things go sideways down the road.
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Devoted September 2018
Sarah · on October 6, 2019 at 12:05 PM
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I actually see a couple of red flags in your post. The fact that you post it’s her second marriage and your brother’s first reveals more about her than you, for example. This situation is both about the “intruder who is influencing your brother” and your own reactions. I hope you are open enough to start to see that, and to consciously decide whether you want to discontinue your relationship with your brother. In essence, that’s the decision you are making here, when you are considering not witnessing the start of his marriage (whether you approve of the marriage or not). Hope you can respect your brother’s decisions even if you don’t agree with them. And he’ll always be your brother, no matter what. In order to decrease (and even eliminate) the drama YOU experience, regardless of what’s going on around you, focus on what’s important here. That’s not what you’re doing now.
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Devoted September 2018
Sarah · on October 6, 2019 at 12:06 PM
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Sorry - red flags in your post reveal more about you than her.
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Just Said Yes September 2015
Private User · on October 6, 2019 at 12:20 PM
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Can you elaborate on this? I'd like to hear your thoughts.
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Beginner December 2019
Jennifer · on October 6, 2019 at 12:22 PM
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I would go to the ceremony as a guest not a candle lighter, sit with your mom and then leave before the reception. That way if things are better down the line, you still got to go to the wedding but didn’t have to be on there schedule and held up to their ridiculous expectations.
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Just Said Yes September 2015
Private User · on October 6, 2019 at 12:30 PM
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I also find some humor in the fact that I've worked at a state prison for over 3 years & despite walking amongst violent adult men have never been threatened. Yet, my brother is going to have "security" at his party bus in a town of 10,000 where we all know everyone's business.. for me. I probably wasn't even going on the bus in the first place because I have a family with 2 small children. The fact that they have stooped to this level of one sister can't go to the bachelor/ette, the other can't go on the party bus is getting childish. I won't stoop to that level.
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Dedicated October 2019
Melissa · on October 6, 2019 at 12:57 PM
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This is definitely a tough one, however kicking you off the party bus is pretty low. Not only to you but his niece. Personally if I were in the situation I just wouldn't go.
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Devoted September 2018
Sarah · on October 6, 2019 at 2:34 PM
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I don’t know everything from a one-time post obviously, but I believe there is some resentment on your part - going back to before your father passed (since you bring up “they give the appearance of being family oriented now” but “to extended family only”). Could that be coloring your dynamic with them now?

The fiancé (and your brother, although what seems to be a less egregious extent) have displayed controlling behavior. Controlling behavior is the easiest to discern. Controlling behavior is very difficult to deal with emotionally, but the only way it causes drama is if you let it.

its best to have strict boundaries and clear communication with controlling people. If you choose to have a relationship with your brother, you’ll been to have this in mind when dealing with him and his fiancé/wife.

However, you also shouldn’t engage in controlling behavior yourself, or it only encourages that in the people you’re dealing with. As an example, you say in your post that when it came to you and your daughter’s hair, you said you weren’t going to do what she was asking and we’re going to make your own plans.

I don’t see a problem with that (again, boundaries) but what I do see is lack of negotiation on your part. The first step should have been to tell her your concerns with the time and why and to ask her if there was anything else that could be done (since it’s their wedding), rather than to start from an ultimatum (which is controlling behavior).

i don’t mean to discredit your perspective at all - sounds like there are some issues on part your brother and his fiancé. But the only way to deal with that again is boundaries and communication, not controlling behavior. To not attend the wedding is controlling behavior.

Rather than focusing on the wedding, focus on the relationship, whether you want to have it, and how/what that looks like. That’s what is at stake here. To make statements about that relationship by not attending the wedding is not in good taste.

There are of course valid reasons for not attending a wedding - a history of abuse for example. And not attending a wedding when you’ve already agreed to and at a point where they’re talking timeline is not a good move.

Just offering another perspective on things for you to consider. When dealing with difficult people, it’s a good idea to look at yourself and make sure you are handling controlling, demanding behavior appropriately.
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Dedicated April 2021
Tina · on October 6, 2019 at 2:43 PM
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Me personally I would skip it u shouldn't have to be treated that way and that's ur brother that's a bunch of b.s. u guys are family and nothing should come between that. I think it's better to save urself from the heartache that its going to cause u. Either way its going to hurt I believe just a lil less if u dont go its selfish but u dont have to put up with that and u shouldn't at all.🙃🤷‍♀️ I hope u make the right choice for u be blessed.
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Expert October 2019
Tamika · on October 6, 2019 at 2:44 PM
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If she's a real jerk no one would help pay or show. Don't go if you don't want too they need actual ppl who supports them and love them. We don't know her side as well. He will find out on his own. For now, they are going to get married regardless so let it be.
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Beginner September 2019
Crysteeeeel · on October 6, 2019 at 3:01 PM
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One of two things is going to happen in about 5 years. Either your brother's wife is going to see that her husbands family is supportive and awesome even when she is crazy and things will get smoother (she will grow up) or they will divorce. In either instance, if you just suck it up and go along, you will feel much better about your own behavior. It's not right, fair, or sane, but when you look back, you will be glad you took one for the team...meaning your mom, brother (who will probably be cooler when they divorce or she settles down) But totally understand why you wouldn't put yourself through it all.
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May 2021
Catherine · on October 6, 2019 at 3:41 PM
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You asked... So don't hate me. But...
She reached out and included you in her wedding. She asked your daughter to be the Flower girl and you to be Candlelighter. She included you in hair and makeup (she might not have been able to schedule your appointments later and I do feel the one you set up is too late). It seems to me she was being nice.
I'm thinking there is more to the party bus story then we are hearing.
I am sorry but unless I am missing something, I am siding with her and you should apologize.
This isn't about you - it is your brother's and her wedding.
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Just Said Yes September 2015
Private User · on October 6, 2019 at 3:54 PM
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My sister & I are candle lighters because they couldn't have all of us as bridesmaids. I've never argued that I was included in the wedding nor have I disagreed with that decision. There is no other part to the party bus. He just called me yesterday out of nowhere & said that because he is paying for the party bus it's his decision. (My mom told him she will not pay $800 for 1 hour on a party bus) which is fine. But his words were, "I have decided that you will not be allowed on the party bus & I will have security there to make sure you do not get on the party bus".
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Dedicated March 2025
Melissa · on October 6, 2019 at 4:10 PM
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Go and suck it up, he’s your brother. You’ll regret missing his wedding. There are hurt feelings on both sides but I guarantee as time passes you’ll see that most of it was petty and was probably coming from a place of misunderstandings. OR as others have said their marriage doesn’t work out and either way you were there to support your brother.
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Dedicated June 2020
Kaylie · on October 6, 2019 at 4:22 PM
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I think they are just as upset with you as you are with them. I think you need to re evaluate the situation. There was an earlier comment saying they may feel the tension between you two and it seems pretty clear now. Who wants that negativity especially on there day so sad even if you think she is causing this she seems to think the same about you in her actions. Sorry:/
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Dedicated June 2020
Kaylie · on October 6, 2019 at 4:24 PM
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I also feel people saying they will probably get a divorce is just terrible. Period. Now I hope they pull through.
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Devoted October 2021
Fany · on October 6, 2019 at 5:24 PM
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I agree with this post. Lol I’m so glad I opted out of a traditional wedding. I especially did not want my in-laws involved.
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