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Dedicated December 2020

Who pays for what?

Maddy, on April 5, 2020 at 10:27 AM Posted in Planning 0 92

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A very recent rift has just occurred with my family and my fiancé’s family on who pays for who. Currently, me and my family are covering: food, desserts, ceremony/reception venue, my dress, decor, photographer, videographer, bridal party gifts, favors for guests, and officiant.

My mom’s expectation is that my fiancé and his family pay for what she believes is traditional to do: flowers and the honeymoon. We are taking a domestic honeymoon in the same state and it will cost only about $1,200, if that. Flowers only about $770. My family then has to pay over $10,000 for everything else.
I found out this morning that his family actually believes that the bride’s family pays for the wedding and the groom pays for the rehearsal dinner and I am shocked. The rehearsal dinner space is included in our venue fee (and isn’t differentiated, so i don’t know how much it costs itself) and the actual dinner portion only feeds maybe 20 people.
Am I right to feel kind of frustrated? My family doesn’t have enough money to cover the flowers and the honeymoon amongst everything else, and it’s frustrating me that they believe it’s an even split. What has everyone else done?

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92 Comments

Latest activity by Alisha, on April 6, 2020 at 9:38 PM

Super August 2020
Emily · on April 5, 2020 at 10:31 AM
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Have your fiancé talk them them. Specifically about not just what your family is covering but how much they are spending. Both sides gave us a set amount of money instead of choosing specific things to pay for.
Dedicated October 2020
Joyce · on April 5, 2020 at 10:51 AM
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Agreed that your fiancé should talk to him family. FWIW, I have only heard of the groom’s side paying for the rehearsal dinner.

You can ask your venue to estimate what the cost of the rehearsal dinner would be if it were a standalone event (food, rentals, venue fee) and have his family provide that amount to offset what your family is paying.
But really, traditions only go so far. It’s best to find out what amount his family is comfortable contributing. For our wedding, my family is paying for a little over half of everything, my fiancé and I are paying the rest. His family is not paying for anything because they don’t have the means.
Devoted October 2020
Kelsey · on April 5, 2020 at 11:08 AM
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Traditionally my family believed that the grooms family pays for rehearsal dinner and alcohol. My family pays for the wedding. My fiancé’s family is paying for the rehearsal dinner and also giving us $5,000 towards the wedding ($10,000 total). My parents are paying for the venue and everything that’s included (approximately $30,000). My fiancé and I are paying for all the vendors and our honeymoon (approximately $30,000). Tradition is kinda out the window these days. I asked my fiancé to talk to his parents to see what they would contribute (my mom kept asking me) and she was happy with what they are contributing.
VIP September 2020
Willow · on April 5, 2020 at 11:15 AM
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The couple is responsible for the wedding costs, unless someone offers to pitch in. What is your fiance contributing to the wedding?
Savvy June 2020
Savannah · on April 5, 2020 at 11:20 AM
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Traditionally I always heard the grooms family pays for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon and the brides family pays for the wedding. But as you can see everyone has different ideas and it really does come down to communication of what everyone is able/wants to contribute. For ours we are not having a rehearsal dinner, my family is paying for the wedding, and his parents are buying us plane tickets for the honeymoon and we will cover the rest of the trip.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 11:26 AM
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We’re still in college, so we are receiving support from our families as well as paying for certain vendors, like photographing, videographing, etc. He and I are going into those purchases, but the majority we cannot afford alone.
Expert October 2021
Lisa · on April 5, 2020 at 11:38 AM
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I think many “who pays for what” traditions are not as common anymore. Many couples pay for everything themselves. We are paying for our wedding and honeymoon, my parents are contributing what they can and FH parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner.

You should have your future spouse speak with their parents about the significant difference in who’s paying for what. If they agree to pay for more then great, if not you’ll probably have to adjust your expenses and/or lower your guest list to make it more affordable.
Master May 2019
Cyndy · on April 5, 2020 at 11:42 AM
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I don’t think the “who pays for what” tradition applies now. Most couples sit down and decide what they can afford and what their families are providing them, if anything and then go from there. It’s not fair to “expect” people to pay for things. Maybe downsize your number of people.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 11:44 AM
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It’s not the number of people because we’re already making our own food and not having a DJ/band. Downsizing wouldn’t change prices.
Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on April 5, 2020 at 11:49 AM
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You are responsible for everything unless someone else offers to cover it. Venue, vendors, rehearsal, honeymoon, etc. It’s great that your family has the means to help with so much, but that doesn’t mean your future in laws are required to pay for anything that they can’t or don’t want to.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 11:52 AM
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I would love to be able to pay for it completely but on my own, but I’m just graduating college, and six months of a job won’t pay for my wedding.
Devoted October 2021
Chantelle · on April 5, 2020 at 11:52 AM
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I think “traditionally” the bride’s family pays for the majority of the wedding and groom’s family pays for the honeymoon. But like some others said, every family can do it how they want so yourselves/your families can decide what is fair and right.

For my wedding, the bride’s parents are paying for the alcohol and catering (the majority of expenses), the bride/groom are paying for all other vendors (photography, DJ, decors, flowers), and the groom’s parents are helping a lot with the honeymoon. Good luck! Happy planning
Dedicated October 2020
Joyce · on April 5, 2020 at 11:56 AM
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Is his family unwilling to contribute more, or has he/you just not asked yet?

If they’re unwilling to pay more, there’s not much that can be done other than trim your budget in other places — fewer or cheaper flowers, no favors, delay the honeymoon until you can afford it yourselves, etc.
Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on April 5, 2020 at 11:57 AM
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Then you should have the wedding you can afford or postpone until you can afford the wedding you want. Getting married is a right, throwing a celebration is a privilege. If you can’t afford it, you don’t have one. It’s not someone else’s responsibility to pay for your party.
Master September 2019
Sarah · on April 5, 2020 at 11:57 AM
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Then you postpone when you’re getting married until you can afford those things, you cut back on things you can’t pay for, or you push back your honeymoon until you can afford it. Unless they offer to pay for those things or hand you money, your FH’s parents don’t have to pay for anything regarding your wedding no matter what your age or career situation is.

Also, both times I’ve gotten married I’ve paid for my own honeymoon along with my spouse. My parents paid for most of my first wedding, but my ex-husband and I cut out almost all florals, had no videographer, I made my own cake, and we each paid for our own attire.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 12:00 PM
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I’m currently sobbing on my fiancé’s chest just asking for us to get married because I’m so done with stuff like this, but he wants a celebration, as I do, truly. So I’m not postponing and we’re not having a courthouse ceremony. I was asking for people’a stories, not to be told to push my wedding away. Why would you ever tell someone that who desperately wants to marry and live with the love of their life?
Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on April 5, 2020 at 12:03 PM
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Becsuse you’re two consenting adults who decided to get married and have a wedding to celebrate. You are responsible for paying for that party. You can’t complain because his parents won’t pay for the party you decided to throw.
Super February 2020
Karla · on April 5, 2020 at 12:10 PM
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I’ve always heard that tradition was the groom’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. However, like most have already stated, those traditions vary depending who you ask (in some asian cultures, the groom’s family pays for everything!) and are pretty outdated.

My parents gave us a lump sum and paid for my dress/shoes/accessories as well as a few other random miscellaneous things (Save-the-Dates, invitation postage, welcome bags for hotel guests, breakfast/drinks on the wedding day).
My husband’s parents offered to host our welcome/rehearsal dinner and heavily contributed to our BBQ/pool party.
We’re both in our early 30s and had a 15-month engagement so we didn’t expect either side of the family to help with our wedding expenses so it was super generous of them to do so. My husband and I paid for more than half of our wedding plus all of our honeymoon.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 12:10 PM
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I’m not asking his parents to pay for the wedding, in case you need to read the original post. Me and my family are being stuck taking care of nearly everything of the wedding and are asking for help on 2 things. They helped other previous weddings of their children, but since one of the things they’ve given money for, we don’t need help with, we could use assistance with the honeymoon. My mom is a traditionalist and believes the groom and his family pays for the honeymoon and refuses to help with that aspect. The honeymoon will only cost $1,000, we are driving there and making our own food, and because it’s not what they believe they show pay for, we may not get a ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR HONEYMOON that is literally all we are asking for.

Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 12:13 PM
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My parents paid for the sister’s wedding but her fiancé, now husband, paid for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. They are not willing to pay for as much of mine, so in order to have the wedding with a photographer and videographer, I am taking those things under my responsibility, but unfortunately my family will not pay for anything else, so if my fiancé does not get enough money through his part time jobs, we will not have flowers or a honeymoon if his family doesn’t offer. I think some people think we’re asking for money without doing anything ourselves and it’s just not true. We’ll both be 21 at our wedding and both had demanding college majors that didn’t allow a lot of time for work — we just want to be treated the same as our siblings and be given the same wedding opportunity (all of whom got married within a year of finishing college)