Who pays for what?

View Quoted Comment

Why don't you guys postpone the honeymoon until you an afford it on your own? I have many friends who have put off their honeymoon until later because they covered all wedding expenses themselves and couldn't afford the honeymoon they wanted until later. You could do a mini-moon that you two can afford right after the wedding (maybe a weekend hotel stay in a fun location near where you live) and then do the bigger trip that you want to do for your 1 year anniversary? No shame in not being able to afford the expenses right now, but there's no shame in his family not wanting to contribute either.

View Quoted Comment The honeymoon we’re planning now is a mini-moon. The initial idea was to go to Austria, but due to budget, we’re just going skiing north of where we live, and then going to Europe in the next summer or fall.

Traditionally, the grooms family only pays for the rehearsal dinner and alcohol at the reception. The groom himself pays for the honeymoon.


That said, it’s 2020 and traditions don’t really matter. Since there is no added cost for the rehearsal dinner, his family should be willing to pitch in elsewhere. It seems silly that they’d be willing to pay for the dinner but won’t put that money towards anything else. I agree that your fiancé should be the one speaking with his family. It’s not really your family’s place to be involved with their finances, and they may be more willing to have an open discussion with their son.

View Quoted Comment Thank you.

View Quoted Comment Im sorry, but unfortunately, you can’t tell people how to spend their money. Regardless of how his sister’s wedding was handled. If this is what they’re offering to pay for and they refuse to reallocate those funds to something else you need, you can’t really complain. It’s their money and they can choose to help you in whatever capacity they choose.


Again, my husband and I are very blessed to have parents that helped us with some much of our wedding costs (together, they contributed about $45-50k), but we got engaged at 30 and 32 so we had quite a bit saved up in our lives by that time. We also had a longer engagement to help up for our wedding. We paid for about $65k plus another $15k for our honeymoon.
I’m never one to tell someone how to live their life or what to do, and I know you want to get married—however, why did you guys plan to get married 6 months after graduation? Why not wait until you both had full-time jobs and enough time to save up for it? Your decision to get married right away means you have to make sacrifices like possibly not having a honeymoon.

I guess the only thing to say at this point is that it's unfortunate that you won't be able to afford those couple of things, but it's not his family's responsibility to pay for them either. Would it be nice? Of course it would. But if they're unwilling to pay for the honeymoon and flowers, no one can force them to pay. I'm sorry to hear that you feel like you're getting the short end of the stick in relation to your siblings.

It’s up to them what they can afford to pay. It would be nice if they can contribute something but they’re not obligated to (just like your family wasn’t obligated to).

View Quoted Comment We planned it this way because we’re both devout Christians and aren’t going to live together before getting married, but we both have degrees that require us to stay rooted in one area. Which would lead to us both living in the same city, but apart, spending over 3000 on rent to save up for a wedding when our money will just go to waste on rent. We also just want to be married. Why stop that desire?

View Quoted Comment Definitely understand. Then that’s your trade off for that desire to be married right after college... you’re going to have to make sacrifices and compromises with your wedding.


Regardless of your age, you shouldn’t expect either set of your parents to pay for anything. Did you expect your parents to pay for your college because that’s what tradition used to be back in the day? (Hint: the answer should be “no”.)
Unless you or your fiancé are his parents’ accountant, you don’t know what financial situation they’re in. Maybe they were able to help out more when his siblings got married, but now aren’t in the position to do so? Yes, it’s unfortunate that you guys don’t seem to be getting the same treatment as the rest of his siblings, but that’s life.

View Quoted Comment We are both devout Christians and don’t want to live together before we’re married. Due to the nature of our careers, we will be living in the same city for work, and if we didn’t get married, it would be over $3000 in rent combined to live in the same city, so at the point, we’re losing money faster than gaining some to save up for a wedding. If we got married, then by the time we’re both in our jobs, we’ll pay for one rent with our combined incomes. Plus, we want to be married. It’s a big benefit.

View Quoted Comment I’ve gotten the short end of the stick in everything. My sister got tuition support because of my dad’s job, but I didn’t. They paid for the rest of her schooling and they did pay for my college, but i have much bigger student loans than she does.

I completely understand your frustration, and totally sympathize. My fiancé & I are in a similar situation. Although we did not ask for either of our parents to pay for anything, my parents have graciously offered to help. His parents, however, have not. We are just moving forward assuming they will not be contributing. Since they have indicated they intend to help out financially to some extent, my best suggestion would be to have your fiancé sit down with them. He could just say hey, we are super grateful you have offered to pay for a portion of our big day- we are trying to finalize everything with vendors and would like to know what amount you feel comfortable contributing. Whatever that number is, put it towards your flowers & honeymoon. If it’s not enough to cover both, unfortunately you will either have to come up with the difference yourselves, or scale back on the flowers. There are tons of alternatives to flowers when it comes to your decor, and I have seen some beautiful faux flower arrangements. Don’t let this tiny bump in the road upset you and ruin your excitement for your big day!

Traditionally the bride and groom's parents paid for certain things, but now that certainly isn’t the case. Any costs associated with a wedding should be covered by the bride and groom as
they made the decision to get married. If you want a wedding that involves more than you, your fiancé, the officiant and the required number of witnesses, then you need to determine what you and your fiancé can realistically afford on your own. It is a ridiculous expectation that either family pay $10,000+ for your wedding. While it is nice that your family is covering the costs that you mentioned, in no way should that determine what your fiancé’s family contributes. Your parents had the option to say no, but they made the decision to cover these
costs independent of what your fiancé’s family decided. If your fiancé’s parents want to cover the cost of the rehearsal dinner, but not the flowers and honeymoon, then that’s 100% their decision. While your family might be upset about this, it is unfair of them or you to expect his family to cover more than what they have offered. It also sounds like your family assumed his family would cover more which frankly is their own fault because they never should’ve
assumed certain costs were going to be covered without explicitly being told. In all honesty, a honeymoon and flowers are completely optional so if you want those things then you need to cover those costs on your own without either of your parents because both families have made it clear they can’t cover those costs. If you can’t afford these things on your own then you either need to not have them or postpone your wedding until you are financially able to do so rather than forcing your family or your fiancé’s family to go into debt to cover your wedding expenses. We paid for most of our wedding ourselves and it was over $20,000. My parents paid for my dress, a portion of our flowers, decorations for our rehearsal dinner, and to upgrade the bar package. My mom had always said she wanted to buy my wedding dress. The morning of our wedding, the florist cornered my husband about final payment for her services. My husband didn't have the checkbook so he told her he would get it from me then pay her, but my mom was standing right there and told my husband not to worry about bothering
me so my mom wrote the check to the florist instead. My husband and I tried to pay my parents back for the florist, but my mom refused the money. About a week before our wedding, my mom was really upset because she didn’t feel like we involved her enough in the wedding planning process. After speaking with my husband, we asked her if she wanted to help decorator our venue for our rehearsal dinner. My mom was so excited. She bought items from the Dollar Tree and beautifully decorated the venue if she hadn’t asked for another way to be involved, I wouldn’t have given her this to do. As for the upgraded bar, my mom was with
my husband and I when we went to look at the venue. During the conversation, my husband asked about upgrading the bar and it was going to be about $1,000 more. My mom called the venue later on and spoke to the wedding coordinator about upgrading the bar. She mailed the venue a check for the $1,000 to cover the cost. She didn't tell me until months later. The venue coordinator lied to me and said she talked to the manager and they were going to give us a discount on it because my mom didn't want me to know she covered it. Again, my mom refused to allow me to repay her for the cost. My mother-in-law offered to make us favors so she covered the cost of making cake pops. She also wanted to make our flower girls' dresses. My husband, my mother-in-law and I went to the store to buy the fabric. My husband and I purchased all of the material. When my mother-in-law went to make them, she realized she read the pattern wrong and she needed more material. She covered the cost of the additional materials. She also covered the cost of the rehearsal dinner as she offered when she went with
my husband, my mom, and I to tour venues. Meanwhile, my father-in-law didn't pay for anything. We didn't expect him to nor did we ask him to. If he had wanted to contribute then we would have let him, but he didn't which was totally fine.

View Quoted Comment So is life, it stinks, but there’s nothing you can do about it. I appreciate you wanting to get married due to religious convictions, however if you cannot afford the large wedding, you need to weigh your options. Neither of your families are responsible to pay for your wedding, so you can either cut way back or wait and save up. You are so young, so I understand not having savings, but this does not fall on your families to pay.

It might be a cultural thing too in which causes them to believe that? because my mom totally thought it was the groom's family that pays it all. my husband and i paid for the wedding ourselves though. but either way, i would definitely get your FH to talk to his family if yours can't pay for all of that. besides, that split is so uneven.

View Quoted Comment I definitely feel for you and couldn’t imagine how much that hurts, but again, you can’t tell people how to spend their money that THEY worked for and earned unless you are financially supporting them.


The best you can do is learn from your personal experience and let it guide you on how to raise your children and treat them all fairly when it’s your guys’ turn to be parents.
My husband and I were (and still are) in high-cost-of-living areas (Los Angeles and Orange County) so I understand that rent situation. However, we both lived separately paying rent and still were able to save up money. We had roommates and hustled in our jobs to earn more money and progress in our careers. It was important for my husband to wait until he felt financially secure to propose because he wanted to save up for my ring and for me to be able to have my dream wedding. Unbeknownst to him, I just wanted to elope with our immediate family and a handful of closest friends.
It’s all a matter of what’s important to you guys. Is being married right away the most important thing? If so, then what does it matter if you get to go on a mini-moon right away? You’re married to the love of your life and living together so you’re saving on rent and can use that money for a honeymoon a year later.
If having the wedding of your dreams and a mini-moon is what’s important, then you’ll have to get creative on how to get the money to pay for it. You shouldn’t have gone into planning this wedding expecting any help from anyone unless they explicitly told you beforehand.
Everyone’s situation is different so hearing what everyone else’s in-laws did or are helping with isn’t going to help your situation. The situation is, your fiancé’s parents are only offering to help with X, Y and Z even though you don’t need help with Z and would rather them help with B. If they’re not willing to help with anything else outside of what they offered to help with, then you can’t really do much. Maybe they don’t want their hard-earned money going towards flowers which they don’t think is necessary or is a waste? People value thing differently and it’s their prerogative to spend their money as they please.
I think you and your fiancé really need to sit down and figure out what’s important to you guys. Then proceed from there.

I’m sorry, Maddy, but at the end of the day you can only have the wedding you can afford. You can’t make his family pay for something they don’t want to pay for, and pushing it is likely to make you seem entitled in their eyes.


So, that means no flowers or just a bridal bouquet. Wait for the honeymoon. None of these things will change the fact that you are marrying the person you love. It will all be fine.
If you really can’t bear the thought of not going on your honeymoon, get a credit card with a six month interest free option, put your honeymoon on credit, and pay it off as you and your husband get going in your careers. You can also set up a honeymoon fund in your registry— maybe your guests can help contribute.

View Quoted Comment Are you asian? Because that’s what my mom told me was typical old-school tradition in the Philippines. However, I have two brothers around my age (and we all got engaged and married within 3 years of each other) so they were like, “But we live in America so we’ll go by America traditions.” I think it was their way of avoiding for paying for two wedding as opposed to just one. Haha (though my older brother and I paid for most of our weddings and my younger one is having a courthouse one so that he can use the money to buy another house instead).

View Quoted Comment

I am asian! but i thought the tradition was bride's family pays. but my mom thought it was the groom's family that pays. either case, my husband and i just paid for it ourselves.

View Quoted Comment Yeah! So did I! I thought that was the case even in asian cultures—like it was a dowry. 😂 but my mom explained to me that it was like the man’s family’s way of showing that he could provide for the woman and she would be taken care of. Idk how true that is though.