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Dedicated December 2020

Who pays for what?

Maddy, on April 5, 2020 at 10:27 AM

Posted in Planning 92

A very recent rift has just occurred with my family and my fiancé’s family on who pays for who. Currently, me and my family are covering: food, desserts, ceremony/reception venue, my dress, decor, photographer, videographer, bridal party gifts, favors for guests, and officiant.

My mom’s expectation is that my fiancé and his family pay for what she believes is traditional to do: flowers and the honeymoon. We are taking a domestic honeymoon in the same state and it will cost only about $1,200, if that. Flowers only about $770. My family then has to pay over $10,000 for everything else.
I found out this morning that his family actually believes that the bride’s family pays for the wedding and the groom pays for the rehearsal dinner and I am shocked. The rehearsal dinner space is included in our venue fee (and isn’t differentiated, so i don’t know how much it costs itself) and the actual dinner portion only feeds maybe 20 people.
Am I right to feel kind of frustrated? My family doesn’t have enough money to cover the flowers and the honeymoon amongst everything else, and it’s frustrating me that they believe it’s an even split. What has everyone else done?

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92 Comments

Master November 2022
Chrysta · on April 5, 2020 at 2:32 PM
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These are great ideas Joyce!!
Legend June 2019
Melle · on April 5, 2020 at 2:48 PM
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The dowry part makes sense! in southeast asian culture especially there is a ridiculous amount of gold jewelry the groom is technically supposed to buy for the bride. that could be why my mom thought the groom's family was gonna do that. and my husband's family really was but i said omg no i don't think i'd ever want that gold jewelry because i hardly wear any jewelry. but either or, my husband's father absolutely did want to give us some contribution. he was the one right when we got engaged, wanted to meet up with my parents to discuss the wedding details. but we took charge of everything and said that we are paying for it all -- because we didn't want anyone to define what they wanted for our wedding. we wanted to be the ones in charge of what we wanted and the best way to do that was to pay for it.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 2:49 PM
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I’m European and Middle Eastern by descent by follow more American cultural traditions. I’m not trying to beg anyone for money. My family is offering and is generous but I want my fiancé to see what his family can offer, too, if willing.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 2:51 PM
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The honeymoon won’t be expensive enough that we’ll need to take out a credit card. The flowers are fake and will cost only 770 dollars. Me and my family are paying for over $10,000 of it. My fiancé is going to cover the other almost $2,000, I just feel bad for my parents and myself and my fiancé that we’re paying for it all when his parents paid for part of his siblings’ weddings.
Dedicated October 2020
Joyce · on April 5, 2020 at 3:11 PM
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So, it’s getting paid for! I suggest you try to be happy about that then. There’s really nothing productive to be had in holding a grudge against your FH’s family because you think they’re being cheap because they won’t pay for your honeymoon, something, again, that is a privilege and not a right. Harping on this will only make you sound entitled.
Super September 2019
Courtney · on April 5, 2020 at 3:16 PM
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When we got engaged and started talking about budget my husband said his family wouldn’t be paying towards the wedding. It’s not common in his family/culture. My family very generously gave us a set amount of money to put towards the wedding. We covered everything that was over that amount. Every family situation is different and traditions are pretty out the window now. Since they didn’t offer to pay for things, I would assume they won’t be contributing financially. I would either see how you could save up for some of those items (if that’s an option) or rework your budget/plans. I totally get having an idea of what you would ideally want and having to come to terms with changing your plans, it can be disappointing. It’s no ones responsibility (not your family’s or your fiancés) to pay for your wedding so if you can’t base your plans around that.
Expert October 2020
Kate · on April 5, 2020 at 3:35 PM
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I feel your frustration, 100% feel it girl. My FH’s family also has the same traditional ideas. It’s so upsetting that my family (not to mention, is half the size as his) are paying for all of it. My FH’s family is paying for a third of what my family is. It’s super upsetting especially when they tell us “it’s what they can do” but they continue to plan vacationa & go overboard with fancy dinners etc. and my parents have postponed vacations and changed some things because they want to help us pay for everything. It makes me sad and I know my FH feels so terrible that his parents aren’t doing the same but it is what it is. We’re just thankful for the amount they have generously gifted us!
Super February 2020
Karla · on April 5, 2020 at 4:16 PM
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Based on what you’ve told us— it sounds like they’re not willing to help or at least not willing to help with paying for the things you want them to pay.

Again, it is THEIR money. They can choose to spend it how they want. They don’t want to spend it on your honeymoon or flowers, and that’s OK.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 4:48 PM
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We will be financially stable by the time of the wedding, but since a lot of things have to be paid before then, we don’t have the finances. I’m sorry you perceive me as immature, it’s just due to frustration of feeling misunderstood. I wasn’t asking people to tell me if I should get married or not, I was asking what other people have done.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 4:56 PM
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I understand where you’re coming from, but it is still a combined effort for a wedding. His family has two other siblings that are married, a boy and a girl, both in which they offered support because of similar situations. Postponing isn’t an option because of our living situations (we need to save on rent and are not going to be living unmarried), and cutting it down won’t fix the situation because the money issue isn’t related to size of venue or food.
Champion July 2019
Veronica · on April 5, 2020 at 5:02 PM
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It's because of the way you are responding to things like you think everyone should feel sorry for you because you have to pay for your own wedding. A lot of people these days pay for their own wedding. We did. You are also emphasizing how inexpensive these additional costs are yet still complaining that you have to come up the money yourself. People are only telling you that you shouldn't get married because you are saying you can't afford the wedding that you want and if you can't afford something then you either postpone it or think of a better solution. We are just trying to give you advice since that's what you asked for. It's not our fault that you don't like our advice.
Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on April 5, 2020 at 5:06 PM
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I’m not sure you’re understanding. The only “combined effort” when it comes to paying for a wedding is the two adults getting married. Not their parents. Your parents aren’t getting married. Any financial contribution that is offered is a gift and should be treated as such. You’re literally throwing a fit on a public forum because your mommy and daddy gave you a bigger gift than your future in laws.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 5:06 PM
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I don’t have any resentment, especially not to my fiancé, and not to his family. I have frustration, yes, because it feels like me and my family are paying for it by ourselves when it is two families coming together. I can feel frustrated but I don’t resent them. Just because I’m 21 doesn’t make me any less able to communicate. I’ve worked with 50 year olds who can be more passive aggressive and unable to communicate. It’s not an age thing, it’s a person thing.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 5:08 PM
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I didn’t ask advice about if I should postpone my wedding, I asked if it was okay to feel frustrated and what other people have done. The society and culture I live in doesn’t necessarily have people pay for their own wedding, but often receive assistance from family. We aren’t even having a caterer because my aunts and family want to contribute and help. We all come from different mindsets.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 5:09 PM
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They have all been gifts and I am very grateful, but if you view it the other way, they are not offering their son a gift for his marriage, when they have offered many financial gifts to his other siblings for their weddings and school.
Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on April 5, 2020 at 5:11 PM
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What they’ve gifted other people is 0% your business. You don’t know their finances and have no room to judge how and when they spend their money. I honestly wouldn’t give my children gifts either if they threw fits like this.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 5:14 PM
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I really thought I would receive responses that were understanding or helpful, but all I’ve felt is put down. We all come from different situations and just because one thing worked for you doesn’t mean it works for everyone.
Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on April 5, 2020 at 5:17 PM
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You came here asking for feedback and what you got is exactly that, open and honest feedback. When the overwhelming majority of responses all agree, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your attitude and expectations.
Dedicated December 2020
Maddy · on April 5, 2020 at 5:23 PM
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I have re-evaluated my expectations over and over again for this wedding. I don’t think I would advise someone to postpone something like a wedding that there are looking forward to. Maybe to pick up another job if possible or look into other options, but I’m at the bare minimum price of everything just to afford a wedding in my area. I appreciate the honesty but not when it is attacking.

Dedicated September 2020
Ellen · on April 5, 2020 at 5:31 PM
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The thing is, many people on this thread as supporting you. They are offering genuine advice (postpone the mini room), but it is not what you want to hear, and I’m sorry if that is hard to digest.

As much as you say you don’t resent FH’s family, from what you are saying in every post, it’s clear you do in some sense. The advice of focusing on the marriage and not the wedding is also genuine and true, and I hope you take a step back and prioritize what matters. Your big wedding and party can wait, marrying your FH is what matters. You are young and have your life to plan and celebrate, recommit to that concept rather than hold a grudge that your honeymoon isn’t something his family feels obligated to pay for.