Who should pay for the wedding if the couple secretly eloped a year earlier?

She still hasn't told you!? IMO, I would approach her about this now. There isn't a "rule" about who should pay for the vow renewal but there is no way a parent should pay for a deceitful child.

I don't think that's expected anymore now a days so definitely say to her you don't want to if you don't want to. Or if you want to but not for all the expenses then definitely let her know. It is after all, her responsibility.

It's not expected that anyone pay for the wedding. No one needs to have a big white wedding. Clearly your daughter knows this because she eloped! If you don't want to contribute for any reason, don't. But I do suggest talking to her about how you feel, regardless. You don't want to resent your daughter.

No one is obligated to pay for another person's wedding. It should be seen as a vow renewal or be clearly communicated that they are already married. I would have a hard time paying for this as well.

There’s no rule parents have to pay for anything! A couple can pay for a wedding themselves, even a small one. It’s a nice gesture, that’s it.

Do you know why they eloped? Or even why they hid the news from you? I would want answers. It’s fine to have a reception at a later date but it’s odd they want a complete do-over while being deceptive about it.

So, how did you find out they eloped? Why are they trying to be deceitful? I would sit down and have a talk with her before making any more wedding plans.

I don't think as a parent nowadays you're expected or obligated to pay all or any part of your child's wedding. I think it's unfair for your daughter to assume that especially after not even telling you she had eloped! I suggest you wait until she talks to you or approaches the topic of you helping with her wedding before assuming any financial responsibility or putting down a deposit on anything

It is no longer the expectation that parents pay. Some obviously still do, while others “help” or pay for portions, and still others don’t contribute at all.

In your case? I wouldn’t pay any more than I already have, would certainly confront her (you are justified in being upset about keeping that from you), and would then restructure everything so that you will not be a party to perpetuating this deceit upon the wedding guests. In my opinion, making them believe they are witnessing the actual wedding when they are not is just as wrong, and you should not be hosting that deceit.

I would approach them about this now before it explodes. Not to mention if they are actually already married they won’t be able to be officially married a second time.

Curious to know how you found out about their elopement.

View Quoted Comment I have a feeling they eloped because they want to buy a home and maybe it would make it easier to qualify. They are in escrow now and eloped just weeks ago. I want to give her the formal wedding she wants, I am just losing sleep over the lies. We are looking at venues and they are acting as though nothing has changed.

In this day and age, parents are not expected to pay for a wedding. Weddings have become increasingly expensive. It's no longer an affair that costs a couple thousand dollars, so it's become more common for couples to pay for their own wedding. Some lucky couples will get help from their parents because it is the day that they become married. Your daughter is already married. There is nothing wrong with having a wedding celebration, but you are not required to pay for it.

View Quoted Comment My daughter had asked me for her birth certificate a week before. I asked her why she needed and after pinning her down she said they wanted to get a marriage license so they have it ready, but didn’t want to get married for awhile. I told her they are only good for 90 days. She just said “oh.” When she gave it back, her passport was in the envelope as well, so I was very suspicious. They had the certificate sent to our address because they currently live with us. Once I saw the envelope from the county clerk/recorder I felt pretty sure that I was right. Oddly, that envelope from the clerk/recorder was literally mailed unsealed. So I confirmed it. I can’t believe a legal document like that was mailed unsealed. Divine intervention?

View Quoted Comment

You need to approach her ASAP. I'd be interested to see if she's apologetic or not....

She should have told you. She lied not just hid the truth. Confront her. If it were me, and this is not a suggestion, I would pay for the reception but not ceremony related stuff. Officiant, any ceremony site fees, her wedding dress, bouquets, etc would no longer be on the table as something I would be willing to pay.
The couple had their reasons for eloping but should have told after the fact. If they are adult enough to elope and buy a house they are adult enough to handle telling their parents.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Can't be easy.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having as formal a reception as they’d like, as long as they’re calling the ceremony portion (if any) a vow renewal, which is what it is. It isn’t a wedding. This topic comes up here periodically and I’m baffled why some think it’s perfectly fine and/or “none of the guests’ business. So, if it makes you feel any better, this isn’t just your daughter. However, I think it’s the height of disrespect to be holding out her hand while being dishonest with you and I would insist they pay for the reception and all that goes with it, themselves.



it a

Okay so first and foremost there is no expectations of anyone paying anything. If you don't feel comfortable then don't.
If she can run off and get eloped without you can save her own money to throw a wedding too.
Personally I'd confront her and her husband, especially as they live with you and tell them you are dissapointed they are lying to you and you will not tolerate liars in your home. Tell them they can come clean with whatever is going on or they can find their own wedding.
One of my siblings ran away and eloped and our family told them if you're old enough to do that you're old enough to live on your own and threw them out. So in my opinion you're being really nice by letting them live with you.

Well this sounds like a mess! She has a marriage license? I didn't think having a license meant u were married... You need someone legally allowed to officiate and a witness and all of those people to sign the license then to file the license (unless that's a state rule)

You found out she got a marriage certificate because you opened her mail?

Parents aren't required to pay for their child's wedding. If the couple is adult enough to be getting married then they're adult enough to pay for the wedding themselves. If they can't afford the big formal wedding of their dreams, then they have what they can afford.

You don't have to pay for anything you don't want to, nor should you. In this case, it seems she is purposely lying to you in order to get you to pay for the big party she wants because she knows you might object to paying for it if she told you she was already married.

I don't blame you for being angry. Definitely speak with her before doing any more planning and don't let her guilt you into paying for something you don't want to pay for. No one is entitled to a big wedding.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with this. It's a vow renewal if they already got married.

OP: But it's not just on the parents to pay anymore. It can be a group effort. If you feel completely betrayed then so be it. I would probably still pay but only pay a certain amount. I certainly wouldn't foot the whole bill, and I'd probably talk them into having something low-key and not as extravagant for a vow renewal as to not spend thousands upon thousands. It just seems ridiculous to do so when they're already married.

Oh hell no. I wouldn't pay a cent. The elope and keep it a secret seemingly just so you will pay for their wedding as originally planned? How shady. They are married grown-ups and should handle it on their own.