Who should pay for the wedding if the couple secretly eloped a year earlier?

It's up to you, OP.
But I wouldn't withhold money out of spite. You'll regret it.
Tell her you know, she'll be angry, but hey you're already angry so *shrug*
She's not the only one lying, you're lying by omission. So you both need to be honest and that can only happen when you tell her.
Maybe after you've cleared the air, you'll have a better idea about whether or not you want to fund this celebration. But if you're not sure you're ready to pay or want to pay for it at all, you need to tell her ASAP.
There's going to be an argument, but that's unavoidable. Just rip off the band-aid.
You only have to pay for it if you want to, they were clearly comfortable eloping for whatever the cost of a license is so they should be fine with what they have. It's not about the party, it's about being married, which they already are so. I wouldn't be ashamed of not paying, if I were you.

I’m very impressed with how collected you seem right now!

It is never expected that you need to pay for your child’s wedding, though very nice that you would! And certainly not required now that that ship has sailed and she’s been dishonest!
If you want to still host her vow renewal , that’s certainly okay, though personally I would only consider paying if she was honest with me.

For the record if you DO host her vow renewal, I would do it on the contingency that the guests are aware of the situation. No one wants to be lied to —I can’t imagine how you’re feeling! But it’s safe to presume the guests would feel similarly. In my experience people have no qualms about celebrating after the fact if the situation calls for an earlier legal marriage! But they DO have qualms about the deception (there was a secret marriage in my family in the past couple years that came to light and the dust has not settled . If they decide to have a reception, I’d think some people may opt out. On the flip side, one of our other cousins got sudden-married due to military circumstances, and everyone can’t WAIT for the day they are finally able celebrate with them!)

id let her come clean before spending a dollar — if she can’t, I can’t . If she can, I’d be willing to consider hosting the renewal once everything’s out in the open. Unfortunately I have no advice as to how to approach that conversation, how to get her to speak up and be honest. I can only think of passive aggressive digs guilting her into it 😳, maybe not the best advice. I can’t fathom having a secret marriage and letting the certificate just get mailed to the house ! But that’s besides the point. I’m sorry you’re going through this experience.

View Quoted Comment I used to work in the mortgage industry and that doesn't make sense. Anyone can buy a home together and being married doesn't change the approval process or the interest rate. It's based on credit-worthiness, income, and assets of the people on the loan. This is true for married or non-married coborrowers.

As for paying for anything, parents are not obligated nor expected to pay for a wedding. In your daughter's case, it's not even a wedding but a vow renewal. You should sit down with her and have a serious discussion about what's really going on.

I would start with just having a conversation with your daughter before deciding what your financial involvement is. It seems like there is a lot to work through without even getting into the money discussion. It is really generous of you to offer to pay for their wedding, and absolutely not a requirement.

I'd take a break on wedding planning all together for a month or two while things calm down. There is no rush in booking her venue, 6+ months is plenty of time to plan things. Wedding planning (or vow renewal planning) should be a positive/happy time.

It has not been considered parents responsibility to pay for a wedding for many years. Some of the parents pay at least a little, up to all costs, in less than half of all weddings now. More than half of all weddings, none of the parents pay any costs. Industry figures. The couple pays. . . . If your grown child has deceived you by not even saying that they are already married, I could not understand you paying anything to have a wedding for other people deceived to come as guests, thinking they are witnessing a marriage, not a reenactment where the actual wedding was long ago. Most people hate being lied to . They are married and should have presented themselves as such.

Even if it were a wedding, you wouldn't be obligated to pay. And at this point, it's not a wedding, since she is already married. You can pay for what you choose, or leave her to pay for it herself.

Thank you all so much for your outpouring of support, advice and even statistics. It has bolstered my resolve. I am hoping to have a conversation, and confront both of them, face-to-face, tonight. Then they will have the task of coming clean to his parents and her grandparents, who were also chipping in money for the “wedding!”

It's not expected for parents to pay for weddings anymore, I'm about to have my second one, and none of mine or husband 1 or husband 2 parents paid for it. The first wedding, his parents threw a small reception in our condo's party room for about 50 family members after we got back from the Dominican, where we had a destination wedding. This time around, we are doing same thing, and his parents are contributing $2000 for the reception. My mom bought us a gift of a new bedsheet set that cost $500.

I know every family is different though, and in this case, an honest sit down talk sounds like it's needed. If it comes out that they already got married, the other family members may get their nickers in a twist. Honesty is usually a winning policy...

View Quoted Comment Hey OP, howd the talk go?

After an elopement, my understanding is that if either or both set of parents OFFER to host a reception, that would be a month or two later, not a year, and not have an officiant or anything as such, just food, drinks, and a good time. YOU are to offer the party if you want, she shouldn't be asking someone for a party.

This seems like a different scenario then most. There is a difference between "We eloped! Don't worry about this wedding anymore, if you want feel free to throw a party but we don't need you to!" and "Let's elope and not tell anyone, then do our wedding later." To me, anytime people get married and don't tell anyone, unless there are extreme circumstances it's just a huge sign of immaturity. If they haven't told anyone, and they're young, maybe they just don't understand the gravity of what they've done. We don't have a full view, so it's hard to tell. If they're buying a house like you said, maybe they just thought, "might as well do it now, get the cheaper insurance and make all this easier, we just won't change any names or do anything important until the wedding. No one will know and we'll save some money." Noooot a great mindset.
I would approach it for sure, but gently since it is clear she does not truly understand how important this is, so your reaction to her will seem like an overreaction (it's not). Ask her why she did it, see what she says, go from there. I would agree with some previous posters, tell her you aren't comfortable with her lying to everyone, if she wants you to continue to pay for this, she needs to come clean and tell friends and family they are technically already married. I would then tell her you aren't paying for any part of the vow renewal ceremony, but have reserved X amount for her to have the formal reception she wants. She can save enough money to cover a ceremony just fine.
I've heard of people signing a few days or weeks before the wedding to handle paperwork easier, and I think that's fine, but a whole year out is just too much, and I'm sure she knows that she's doing something wrong since she's hiding it from you. Even if it's chalked up to them not understanding how important this is, it could have easily been stopped if she had discussed with you or anyone with a head on their shoulders first.

View Quoted Comment Bride2020 I would swear you know me, my daughter and her fiancé personally! Your advice is very insightful and sound. The talking to her “gently” part will indeed be a problem for me. She’s often accused me of overreacting and it’s because I’ve been stewing about it for awhile before a say anything. And I am fuming over the fact that she already talked me into buying her dress. I was planning to speak with both her and her fiancé together. Do you think I should only speak to her? His mother toured a venue with us last week (my daughter and her fiancé actually wanted us to put down a deposit!) , so his family is also involved. They were not home last night , so I was going to try tonight.

Honestly, it's up to the bride and groom to pay for their own wedding, UNLESS someone (like the bride's parents) offer to pay for it. Therefore, you aren't required to pay anything that you don't want to. If I were you, I'd sit my daughter down and have an open / honest conversation with her about how her elopement made you feel and how you are now uncomfortable paying for everything. Then go from there. Good luck!

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That's a really hard one. On one hand, it's really good to go into that situation with the ability to tell your daughter, "hey, it's not just me who thinks this is a problem. Your future parent in laws are also concerned." On the other hand, it's always good to go directly to the person at hand and clear things up. If you don't, I am sure your daughter would just go, "I can't believe you spoke to them before talking to me about it!". I would address her privately, OR address her together with her fiance and his parents, but I wouldn't address her and tell her you told them. If you are positive they will be on the same page as you, then it is nice to all sit them down together and explain the situation. That way, it feels more final that the facts are the facts, rather than speaking alone to your daughter and having her rack her brain about how she will twist what she tells her future in laws, she can truly focus and listen on your words because everyone involved in the funding is there as a united front. Sit her down, let her know you saw the marriage certificate a while ago, it was open on the counter. Ask her what their purpose is to have it already. Listen, and then ask to speak uninterrupted for a moment and let her know you will let her do the same when you're done. Communicate that you agree, it's nice to have the t's crossed and i's dotted early on for (insert her reasons here), but you don't think she understands how much of a big deal this is for those attending and funding her wedding. Let her know that even if she thinks this is an over reaction, she cannot control the emotion and the reaction of those around her and decide if her behavior hurts them, just like in any relationship, you are allowed to make the decisions you want, but you are not allowed to belittle someones reactions to them. You know it seems like it's just a piece of paper in her eyes, but in yours, she is legally married and you do not feel comfortable being a part of the lie that she is not, if it were to ever come out you don't want the anger of family and friends directed at you. Staying silent and funding this wedding is the same as agreeing that her actions are ok, so the course cannot carry on until this is addressed. You love her, and you are not at all saying she cannot have the reception she is dreaming of. But you are hurt you were lied to and missed this ceremony, your daughter is married now and you have missed it. You are still just as excited for the reception and for her to get to wear her dream dress, and have the day she's dreamed of, but since this mistake has been made, some things will need tweaked. Let her know you know she will not like your criteria, but you are the one who has been around the block with this sort of stuff and you know what needs to be done for the best possible outcome now that she has done what she has. She needs to announce that she is already married, if she's into social media she can do it there, or however else she is comfortable with, or you are fine with it just being worded on the invites that they are wed and this is a vow renewal and reception. You recognize that her friends aren't going to think this is a big deal, but tell her to be prepared for the reaction of family. Tell her you know she is excited for her ceremony, as in her eyes, she isn't "married" yet, and that that isn't something you don't think she should experience, but she needs to title it differently or her guests will feel misled. Everything can be the same, it is just not official and not when she is getting married. Tell her you can help her research what this sort of service looks like, and you are sure it will be just as wonderful. Tell her her business is her business, and that you are going to let her future in laws know because you feel they have that right (if they aren't there with you, I would call them right after if not and sy, "hey, I just thought you should know about this conversation"), but other than that you will not spread this news around until she decides if she would like keep it to her self and fund her own wedding, or let everyone know, in which case you will still lend a hand. (She sounds young, I am sure all of this will come out either way, you do not need to be the bad dog who lets the news out, there is no way this sort of thing will stay hidden for long, so you don't really need to worry about sitting at her wedding next year surrounded by people who don't know she's already married, I'd be shocked if it came to that.) Tell her you know she's about to tell you she did nothing wrong, but if she truly believed that, she would have been upfront about this in the first place. Tell her your heart is truly heavy about missing her getting married, but you do understand her intention was never to hurt you, which does help, but her intent to deceive you also hurts.
But also, I'm a stranger on the internet, so take it with a grain of salt! Do what you need to do, act logically and not based in emotion. Best of luck! I hope a year from now you are at peace with your daughter sitting at a beautiful vow renewal. If you both go into it with the expectation that that reality is possible, you will get there.

You have no obligation to pay for her wedding.

But this is not a wedding; she is already married. And, I gather, planning to lie to everyone about that fact.

Personally, I wouldn't contribute a cent to a fraudulent "wedding" that is being passed off as the real thing. If they tell the truth to everyone, I might consider contributing something for their very late reception. If she is polite and grateful and otherwise behaves like the recipient of considerable generosity.

Well I had the talk with my daughter and her fiancé as soon as they got home tonight. They had no idea what I could be so upset about. They said they got married at the courthouse to help with the home loan and also for medical insurance, and didn’t think it was a big deal. They both seemed genuinely sorry and very upset that I thought they intentionally tried to deceive all of us so that we’d pay for the wedding. They want to say vows in front of family and friends (they didn’t like my “vow renewal” wording), and thought we, as family, would want to experience that as well. I told them they need to come clean with everyone who is thinking of contributing to this event so they can make an informed decision. They agreed to do so this week. Thank you all again for your advice. It helped tremendously.

I'm happy for you that you were able to find the support that you needed here. Also, your conversation with your daughter and son-in-law went a lot better than I thought it would; on the outside looking in, I thought your children would be argumentative about it. I underestimated them. Shows you what I know. Best of wishes moving forward.

Sorry, but I need to ask. Did you apologize to her for opening her mail? Sealed or unsealed, pretty sure that's illegal. Totally understand being upset at her for not coming clean sooner, but opening someone else's mail is also a huge breach of trust.

View Quoted Comment Lol if you’re living at their house and it’s unsealed, that’s not a breach of trust. A breach of trust is lying to your parents (who are paying for your wedding) about being married

View Quoted Comment I don't disagree with that. But living in the same house doesn't give you the right to open/read someone else's mail. Again, it's illegal lol. I'm really glad that OP and daughter talked and cleared the air.

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Agreed! My FH and I EASILY bought a house together more than a full year before we even 'officially' got engaged. Our not being married was in no way a hurdle to obtaining a mortgage.

OP, I wonder if there could be something else at play here? I do think it's odd that she kept it from you and would definitely try to find out the reason.

There are a lot of reasons a couple may legally marry before ceremonially marrying, like insurance, citizenship, etc. I don't personally find it offensive for a couple to do the legal bit before the ceremony. I may be in the minority here, but the legal/administrative piece doesn't mean nearly as much to me as the ceremony. To me, ceremonies are the true wedding, even if the couple has already done the legal bit.

My best friend did it to kick start the citizenship process for her husband since they were already in the process of planning the wedding and that process takes a LOT of time. They absolutely do not consider the day they signed the paperwork to be their wedding day. They see the day of the ceremony, when they said their vows and made their commitment in front of family and friends as their wedding.