Who to pick as maid of honor..

You pick the closest, most supportive person at this moment in your life. The person who would drop everything for you if you needed. For many, that is a best friend. Who is the person in your life at this moment in time who fits that description? Don’t ever ask anyone because you feel you have to or V if there is guilt or strings attached.

From your post, it sounds like you either need to pick someone else, or pick her but have literally NO expectations for her apart from showing up at the wedding. I think anything else is bound to be problematic.

I am definitely on board with asking someone else to be your maid of honor, or place of honor (if you had a brother or relative you are close to).

The way you described this person drew up red flags all around, especially this: "...she’s not exactly known for being cooperative or selfless. I am afraid if I don’t pick her she is not going to come, or cause problems."

Imagine if someone who is not cooperative or selfless comes to your wedding and is supposed to be your maid of honor when the focus is supposed to be on you and your husband. Can you really trust such a person with your emotions or expect them to be 100,000,000,000+% honest and bring you come peace on that day?

This is a simple yes or no. Don't try to overthink it or justify it.

If the answer is, "No": She's not a friend. She sounds like she has her own life and will have people around for self-validation. And to an extent, maybe you have "chased" a friendship (it happens, I don't hold it against you), but you are better off cutting her, dealing with some of the emotions now, and then enjoy your big day.

Nothing says that you have to have a MOH. You can just have bridesmaids.

I agree with Elly on this one. If you choose to have a MOH or Man of Honor or what have you, they need to be 10 thousand percent supportive, excited, happy, and enthusiastic about your engagement and upcoming marriage. They need to be in a place where they can be selfless in this process - depending on your expectations, this can be just the wedding weekend -or- the wedding weekend plus pre-wedding events.....but they need to be in a headspace to be selfless (and have the capacity to do so, at baseline). Like, no selfish tendencies and they need to be able to make that day/weekend/pre-wedding events/whatever all about *you*....and no one else!

Maybe I'm over-analyzing here, but I think your gut might be already guiding you to the "Or should I pick someone that I am still close with that is capable of doing this and just let her react how she reacts?" option. Yes to this. If she acts out or behaves poorly when she finds out she didn't get asked to be MOH (or in the bridal party at all), that's reflective of her maturity level and nothing else. It sounds like the best move may be to invite her as a guest and see where the friendship goes.

I would pick someone else that you know will be 100% supportive of you. You want someone you can count on to be in that position since you'll be busy with lots of other things. When I picked my MOH, it wasn't the friend I was closest to, it was the friend who had been one before and I knew I could count on to help based on what I knew about her current lifestyle. The other friend I considered is a closer friend, but I know her and know she would hate planning things and having to be the contact person for my other bridesmaids.

I agree with PP and pick someone who you know will be there for you 100%!

I asked my cousin instead of my best friend. I love my best friend dearly, she's the reason there will even be a wedding since she introduced me to FH, BUT I know who she is and how she is (scatter brained) and know she does not have the attention span to be my MOH lol.

We had a come to Jesus talk about it and she's fine with just being a bridesmaid not my MOH as she also doesn't want the responsibility lol

This doesn't sound like someone who actually has what it takes to commit to the maid of honor position. You may have known her for twelve years, but it doesn't sound as though she's really been there for you all twelve of those years. You said yourself that talking about your wedding clearly makes her uncomfortable, so it's as if she's advertising that deep down, she doesn't want to be a part of it. The maid of honor should be the person you'd go to first when all else is going wrong and who you would trust to pick you back up when you're feeling down. That's why I asked my oldest sister to be mine. If you have another person to ask who better fits that description, ask her instead.

I was in a similar situation with a friend of mine. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. Like you, the reaction when we picked out my engagement ring wasn't great, and it felt like a competition whenever wedding topics were mentioned. It was hard, but I decided to ask someone else to be in my wedding. I kept it very straightforward when I told her, and while it was a little awkward at first, she hasn't held it against me. We talk minimal about wedding stuff now, which is understandable.

I feel more confident in my wedding day because I know I have two people who are committed to me and will work with me. The other option you may consider, which I did too, was to lay it out in very clear terms. I.e., "If I I ask you to be my MOH, I expect xyz and not abc, and if you cannot agree then do not accept and if things go wrong I will ask someone else."

IMO, It's easier to have the conversation now instead of before the wedding, if things go south and you have to ask her to step down. Pick someone who you know will be there for you and is able to meet your expectations.

It is definitely not worth it & you shouldn't ask her just because of the history there & there is nothing written in the books that you have to have a MOH. My aunt had the same issue so instead of asking her friend, she asked my mom to be MOH. My FH has 4 sisters. We were originally just going to have 1 MOH & 1 best man. I decided it would be special to ask his sisters to be my bridesmaids. His youngest sister has been known to cause drama in every situation but I figured she would behave for this occasion & I felt bad only asking 3/4. Let me tell you, It has been such a rocky road & unnecessary headache navigating planning my own wedding & constantly dealing with her pushback & poor attitude.

It's okay to put your sanity first in this situation. This is YOUR wedding.