Why Do Guys Think It's OK Not To Care

I didn't marry my husband for his party planning and crafting skills. If your husband wasn't into planning parties before, he isn't going to be into planning "the party of all parties" now. You can't expect someone to automatically be so into something that they've never been into before, just because they are the reason for it. My husband wasn't into it either. I did everything, and I was okay with that.

^ preach.

Agreed with KM! My FH is laid back which is why I love him, how can I expect him to suddenly become a planner just for the wedding? If he was crazy into wedding planning, I probably wouldn't like him very much in the day to day because he would be crazy about planning everything else... Which I like to be in charge of just imagine the disagreements you might have if he cared about all the wedding things! You might end up with a superhero cake...

Another thought- is there maybe something he likes that you can put him in charge of if he isn't into the idea of choosing the caterer? Maybe the music? I am not putting my FH in charge of anything, he doesn't want to be, but he likes talking about all the ideas with me and then having me execute.

Anastasia- sorry 3rd post in a row but I just realized we are date twins!! If it makes you feel any better; I haven't booked my caterer yet either!

I was ok with that at first, but my wedding being in my backyard, we had a ton of stuff to do and I couldn't do it without him. About 7 weeks before the wedding, I had a complete meltdown/crazy fit/panic attack. I made him leave work so I could show him how much I had left to do. There was no way I could do it all without his help. I told him that he either needs to start helping or I'm cancelling the wedding and after that he was completely involved. I didn't have a wedding planner or anyone at the venue to help. Everyone else that offered to help either was lying or couldn't help with calling vendors and stuff.

I made this mistake too! I totally thought FH should act like a school girl and our home would spew glitter and sunshine during wedding planning. Not. At . All. It was pretty much stressful from the get go but this is one argument that you can nip in the bud now if you realize that he probably is excited to marry you he's just not into flowers, colors and decorating as much. Me and FH went round and round about this until a bunch of people had to snap me back to reality and help me see that I was asking him to do too much that he just wasn't into. Keep in mind it's also football season. Idk if your fh is into it but mine was and I annoyed him constantly about the littlest details that he could just really care less about. Try to make time outside of wedding planning. Ask him how his day was instead of showing him bm's dresses as soon as he walks in the door. I'm just telling you my experience. I talked way too much about the wedding and not enough about US. And when I stopped giving my every waking moment to wedding planning it suddenly got less stressful and FH did more. He even went to pick out linens with me! Just give him a break on this one it'll save a lot of wasted energy, I promise.

I had to be very explicit with my husband and what I needed from him. I gave him tasks and dates I needed these things done by. When we first started planning the wedding, I would be like, I need you to care! But he had no idea what I had envisioned for things. He didn't want to step on my toes, so I would need to be very deliberate in what I needed from him and to ask.

I disagree with most of the posters, it doesn't sound like you're asking too much at all and I think it's fair to expect at least one task to be done by the groom if not more. Maybe you should think through what all the swirling feelings are that have you upset, sort through them and calmly discuss it with your FH.

My FH was starting to drag his feet on asking his wedding party members to be in the wedding. I gave him a deadline he had to ask by and said if he didn't then I was going to ask them and inform them that he was procrastinating. My FH HATES being embarrassed in public so the day after the deadline passed I reminded him and he immediately called his buddies. I feel like a little bit of tough love goes a long way.

I don't think he has to generate a level of concern "or care"- he wants to marry you- not throw a party. I personally don't care that my FH doesn't get all frothy about the idea and vision- all I care about is that he helps me out and we collectively keep us on track- and that he wants to still marry me LOL

Being said- I don't think it's unreasonable to give him very specific tasks and dead lines. Put him to task- he doesn't have to 'care' per say but just make it his job and give him a timeline.

I would talk to him and find out what's going on. He might just not realize that wedding vendors are often booked so far in advance. When FH and I got engaged (March 1st) he thought we could easily have a big wedding before he had to move away in June. Obviously, I straightened him out, but he really had no idea that many things book up months, if not years, in advance.

The other thing might be his perspective on wedding planning. For us FH wanted to be involved and loves hearing updates, but for the most part he feels like the details matter a lot more to me than to him so he has more or less let me decide everything. If we hadn't talked it through I could have easily misinterpreted that as him not caring.

I get where you're coming from. I don't expect my FH to put on his party planning hat and take over, but it would be nice if he actually had an opinion when I needed it. In the beginning, I attempted to include him and ask his opinion on vendors, STDs and whatnot. I kept getting huffs and sighs, so I just asked him if there was anything in particular that he cared about as far as the wedding goes. He said no. I let him know that meant that he could not have an opinion after I decided on something because I wasn't going to drive myself crazy redoing things. He does that a lot. He'll say it's fine until I pick something and he doesn't like it. I haven't asked him a question since then. We'll see how long his non-opinions last. lol

Guys are just different than us. They "would rather spend the money on the honeymoon vs the wedding," right? That's pretty much a quote from every guy ever. So you are not alone in feeling like your man isn't interested.

But know that just because he isn't into the wedding details, doesn't mean he's not all about being married. The party isn't his focus, but that doesn't mean that the marriage isn't. Try to remember that.

Maybe you can get help from you mom? I know my mom is all about helping me plan. I'm pretty sure she is more excited than I am. Ha.

@Anastasia I hear you. It would drive me crazy if FH didn't care. After all, its OUR wedding, not just mine. I wasn't a huge party planner before this wedding either so if I gotta do it, so does he lol. My FH doesn't complain tho. Thankfully he goes with me to every appointment. We made a list of everything that's left to do and he does his own research and tells me what he comes up with. Ultimately I make all the final decisions because him & I both agree I have better taste (lol) but it's nice that he puts in work also. We're a team.

I know all guys aren't like this though. My brother was someone who didn't care at all about planning his wedding. He just wanted to show up and his wife was fine with that. Everyone's different

@ KM, I AGREE!! I don't expect him to be like me or to suddenly be into crafting. I am decidedly the planner and the more artistically inclined of the two of us. But the situation I'm in (mom and BFF live in another state, and both are too preoccupied with work and life issues to be of any real help, and I myself am taking 2 science classes at community college, volunteering at a clinic, applying to PT school, and working a 40 hr/wk job) makes me wish he would even be EXCITED about it. Seriously. Doing all the work myself would 100% be worth it if he just showed the least bit of enthusiasm. When I brought up that we had 200 days to go yesterday, all he did was make some permutation of a "ball and chain" joke. I know he's kidding and wants to marry me...it's just saddening I guess that I am the only one who is excited about it. And then I feel like an idiot for spending all of this money on a day he doesn't care about. I know our guests will be well hosted, and that's important to me, but I wish he cared.

@Natasha, yay date twins! 200 days to go as of yesterday!

FH said he would take care of catering--he was excited about the food when we went for the tasting and he said he would do it. Now he's dragging his feet and says he's not worried about our caterer booking for that day. I wish he would let me borrow his crystal ball I thought he would at least get excited about picking his tux--no luck. He'd rather wear his 8-year old tux that no longer fits properly.

Chrissy, yes! I feel you. Because I am so overwhelmed with stuff going on in my life right now, I can totally see something like this happening. FH and I have a pact for all "projects" to be done 2 months before the wedding to avoid that kind of meltdown...I just think it's ironic that he's dragging his feet on the ONE thing he has to do...

I think a lot of guys are like this. FH would rather just get married at the courthouse and put our money towards a house, but of course I want a wedding where we can celebrate with family and friends. Early on in planning, I ran a lot of things by him but quickly learned he really doesn't have an opinion on what color our table runners are or what flowers we have. Do you have your MOH, BMs, mom, or FMIL that can assist in planning? I get all of their opinions on things and it has really helped gain perspective.

Katie, I appreciate the football bit...yes, he is into football. And no, I don't talk about it all the time...I don't expect him to pick colors or flowers or anything of the sort. I've tried to give up feeling crappy about it, but I'm finding it hard.

Lara, at the beginning of August, I had FH contact the caterer again (after we didn't speak to them for ~3 mos after the tasting) and let her know we wanted a firm quote. FH said he was going to get a friend to help him out with negotiation. I said OK, I wanted it done by the end of the month (I didn't think 1 month was unreasonable...), and here we are...September 16th. So far no contract. As far as I know, he has exchanged 2 e-mails with her.