Why Do Guys Think It's OK Not To Care

Ah, fair enough...yeah, I would have jumped down H's throat if that was the case.

Gender stereotypes aside, but. FH has never been much of a planner. He certainly isn't lazy or a procrastinator, but anytime we've had even a simple bonfire with 5 people over, I had to hammer out all the details. So to expect a 150 person wedding to change anything, nope.

Save yourself the grief and anger and just take care of your caterer. Get your contract signed and don't hold this over his head and resent him. Instead, ask him for suggestions. Show him some ideas you like and ask his opinions. Pick out a couple of vendors and tell him about them and see who you think you guys should go with. Have him get together a guest list.

Botty, I appreciate that. FH and I did discuss it quite calmly last night, I tried to explain all my feelings clearly so he could understand why it was tough for me to get past him not caring. He is truly a caring, responsible person, and is usually the first one to jump up when a task needs to be done in the rest of his life...so this is why I'm just baffled that he can't motivate himself to even feel excited about this.

Anastasia- I'm sorry he doesn't seem excited. I would suggest you talk to him and tell him how the ball & chain comment hurt your feelings in a very neutral setting (like over dinner when you are both calm)? He thought it was funny and didn't realize the sensitivity. FH doesn't say much about being excited, but I hear him say it to his friends when they ask him if he's nervous; he just replies saying he is excited For the catering, maybe just tell him you're going to do it if he doesn't schedule it by X date. I do that to my FH with other chores, like if he was supposed to do the dishes and doesn't, I'll start doing them. That kicks him into gear REALLY fast!

Anastasia- what did he say when you discussed it?

Thanks for the advice everyone. I get that he is who he is and isn't goint to turn into Martha Stewart just because he popped the question. It's just tough because I feel alone in being excited about the event. Because I was never the type of girl who dreamed about her wedding, I kinda wish he had told me when we began this that he would've been ok with less people and less formality, etc. Basically in the beginning, he and I drew up a guest list (about 75% of which is his family/friends), and we went from there. Because the list was large, we had to rent a space because it would have been impossible to accomodate them otherwise. Now that he's telling me that it's not about him, that it's a day just for me (in spite of me insisting that it should be otherwise) and that he wouldn't have cared if it had been something small and intimate, I just wish he would've told me that from the start. We could've saved money, I would've had less to plan, etc. I offered to cancel the venue, he says that's not what he wants. And I am concerned that if I downsize I may regret it and offend all the people who just received Save-the-Dates. So it's not what I want either.

We are going to a pre-marital counseling intensive weekend in October, and maybe we'll feel better after that. It just seems like expectations and desires were not communicated clearly from the beginning.

Why don't you enlist the help of maybe craftier friends of yours? That's what I'm doing. It's one thing to ask him for his family's side of the guest list than to expect him to help with DIY projects.

Natasha--he said he understood! As I've said before, it's very strange because he is such a caring person normally. It's just this one thing--which to me, is a big thing! For some reason he seems to have it in his head that he doesn't have to care, and he doesn't want to be asked to care. It might be that that was how his mom's wedding was (I have nothing against his mom, love her, but it might have had an effect on him). She said that for her wedding (and in her family in general) the mother of the bride/bride plans the wedding and the groom just shows up. Maybe it's just completely ingrained in him.

Anastasia- what do YOU want for the wedding?

I think I posted this same thing back in May/June. In my case FH is the one who wants a bigger wedding and I wanted a courthouse elopement. He still didn't want to be involved in any planning. I found that I had to turn to other people for the feedback and excitement. My bff lives on the opposite side of the country but we text and talk almost daily and he has been super supportive through the process. Since we are getting married at my aunt's house, she has provided the excitement. In fact, she is often more excited than I am and along with her husband posts tons of cute FB statuses about how excited they are for my wedding.

This may be an obvious point, but did you two sit down together at the beginning and have a calm, rational discussion about the wedding? Did you discuss important things like budgeting and involvement then? As a guy, I have to tell you that I'm excited for our wedding next year and more than happy to assist my fiancee with the planning, but I do know that she has a vision and ideas that I never would have comprehended if we didn't sit down together in the beginning like adults. In our relationship, my fiancee is definitely the more creative person whereas I'm the numbers type; having a rational and objective wedding discussion at the beginning of the planning process and maintaining communication throughout has been a real lifesaver. If we weren't communicating I can see how this could get ugly, but so far it's been a pretty painless process.

Joe, I think we've both been relatively calm and curteous with one another in spite of frustrations (the way we "argue" is one of the best things about our relationship--it's a conversation, not a fight). I do wish we had had that kind of sit-down in the beginning. To be honest, I don't think he knew, and I didn't really, either. But from everything we've talked about so far, his basic wishes are : #1 for us to get married, #2 for us to have a good time at the wedding, and #3, for some important people in his life to be there.

I want the same things, too...but maybe my other expectations are too high. I want to have a beautiful, well-written ceremony that is really meaningful. I want to have a well-put-together reception that has great food and decor and music. I want us both to look good and have nice photographs of ourselves and our families on the day. I want the day to be really special. Perhaps I should just try to think of it as just another day and try to let the details go so that I don't feel pressured to make everything just-so. I can swallow all that, I think. But what still gets to me is the lack of enthusiasm. In spite of all the other frustrations, that is the single thing that just sticks in my craw.

Thanks for talking me through all of this. It is helping me sort out the frustrations.

My FH usually takes charge in his friend group bc he's the most social. But usually I have to come in and save the day because like most men he is cool just ordering wings and making sure there is beer. He will forget all about the plates, cups, napkins, ice. With the wedding I gave him 7 specific task (officiant, alcohol, premarital counseling, honeymoon, DJ, secondline band, and groom & GM attire). We got these 7 by sitting down with a wedding checklist I printed from the internet and he highlighted what he was most interested in/cared about. The officiant and premarital counseling wasn't one of the things but bc the officiant is his childhood pastor he was going to be the contact person anyway so we decided he could handle that.

Anastasia, that makes sense. We ranked what we thought was most important for our wedding, and this provided some great insight into where the other placed the most emphasis and would be the most enthusiastic. We also talked about the things that we would prefer the other handle almost exclusively - my fiancee wanted me to plan my groomsmen and our wedding attire, the honeymoon in its entirety (giving her enough notice to shop for attire, of course), arrange for the licensure requirements, and handle the rehearsal dinner. She knows that if there comes a point where we have three different shades of white to choose from for the table linens, it will be a hard pass from me, but otherwise we are making decisions jointly after extensive communication and consultation with each other.

You still have time to talk through expectations with your fiance - perhaps he has budget hangups, or doesn't want to interfere with the vision you have for this wedding. If your basic wishes are the same, expand and talk about the "additional" stuff. A "good time at the wedding" and "some important people in his life to be there" can encompass so many different things to different people. I do not have the secret ingredient to get grooms to be more enthusiastic, but I do know that a sit-down, come to Jesus, get on the same level discussion would probably do wonders for both of you.

Edit: The more I think about it, the more I think the alleged wedding apathy/lack of enthusiasm (overall, not just your fiance) comes down to fear. Grooms want their fiancees to be happy; after all, no one is going to care about all the wedding details more than the couple, and no one is going to care more than the bride. When grooms are faced with brides who have literally been planning their weddings on Pinterest for years prior to an engagement and then when wedding planning becomes THE central focus of the bride's life, it can be pretty overwhelming. That's why communication is so important and why it's important to discuss details not only throughout the process, but up front as well.

My fiancee isn't "assigning" me any tasks; I'm not her worker bee to do her bidding, I'm her partner and future husband. We agree on a course of action together and I take charge of the areas of the wedding about which I am most enthusiastic naturally; nothing is forced. I'd warn any bride of "assigning" a task to a fiance - unless you've discussed the particulars and details surrounding the task, he's going to be unsure in his decision making and will likely be afraid that you won't agree with or approve his decisions.

This was a struggle for FH and I as well at the beginning of our engagement. I didn't understand the fact that he could care less about the wedding when that is all I could think about. I did give him two jobs: Tuxedos and DJ. Well, I ended up booking the DJ and he called me on Facetime the ENTIRE time he was picking out the tuxes.

I would say, take advantage of the fact that you can do everything YOU want to do with your wedding. It is okay if he doesn't care about the wedding because he DOES care about marrying you.

I found that giving FH a whole entire task to handle on his own became too overwhelming for him. He'd then just say whatever, you do what you want.

The biggest instance was the invites. I took him with me to look at them, the place had over 200 invites to choose from. He got so overwhelmed by the number of choices he just got frustrated and gave me the whatever you choose the one you like. I went back alone and choose the top 5 I liked. I then took the 5 choices to FH and said what one do you like. He picked on in 5 minutes and that's the one we went with. I did the same thing with the DJ and venue.

The only thing I put my foot down on was his tux and GM attire. I told him that was solely up to him as I didn't have to wear it, he did. I told him if he didn't get on that and have a tux by X date picked out, he'd be walking up the aisle in fucking jeans and by himself.

Joe, I really appreciate your well-thought-out response. Last night FH and I did have another conversation, which he initiated after spending yesterday thinking about our conversation the night before. I don't want to rehash it all, but we did come to a basic understanding. It's clearer to me now that it's not that he doesn't want the wedding I am planning--he is equally happy with any wedding that we have that meets his 3 criteria. Mostly, since he has no real opinion beyond that, he just wants to get out of my way so that I can have what I want. He trusts my judgment and wants me to be happy. Which I appreciate.

I suppose it is fair to say that he just isn't a very "excitable" person. I have more dynamic highs and lows, a fact we both agree on. But I really do value how even-keeled he is, and I suppose if I am to reap the benefits of his cool disposition, I have to take the downsides as well. Thinking about it, we have a vacation to Thailand coming up, and he's not appearing too psyched about that either. I will just have to get over this thing.

Finally, we did have a conversation about what the next 6 months would look like. I asked him what he wanted to do and be involved in. He said he wanted to take care of the catering still (and intimated that he was uncomfortable with negotiating and the main delay was being caused by a friend who said he would help, but backed out on him). I offered to help him if needed. I also let him know that I wanted him to be an active participant in looking for a new tuxedo for him and that I wanted to have it on order at least 3 months before the wedding, so that gives us until December to sort that out. He said that he even thought about getting a bespoke tux made in Thailand when we are there. So we might look into that.

@ Promike: LOL! We had a similar time to your tux thing the first time he called the caterer. He said he would do it, and then wouldn't do it without me on the phone at the same time...and had me do all the talking. Wouldn't chime in until I directly addressed him! And it's so funny, because that's not the relationship dynamic we have, where one person is in charge of the other.

It sounds like you two have different expectations of how this would go or even look like. So what are you actually upset about? Are you upset that he hasn't booked the caterer (legitimate if you gave him a timeline and he agreed to handle it) or are you upset that he's not excited and talking to you about all these things that make you excited?

I didn't have any local friends to help me either. My husband is regularly on another continent. I knew I couldn't handle it all myself, so I hired someone.

I don't think it's fair that it's "okay" for the guy to not care about the wedding planning. Yes, I agree that we aren't marrying someone for their party planning skills, but to care about the thing and assist with the planning would be nice. I'm sure at some point you and FH both sat down and discussed how you are going to move forward with the wedding and agreed upon a specific series of events - so why are you solely responsible for executing it? If you're stressing about the planning, why not offer a hand to reduce your stress?

FH is not a big fan of planning parties, but we sat down and agree upon roles and responsibilities for the event. Knowing that this isn't his favourite thing I did take that into account and we talked about items that may spark his interest more and those are the things he is responsible for. For example, FH is a fan of drawing and design so I asked if he could create the invitation, so helping doesn't feel like such a 'chore'.

Janeen, I think him not booking the caterer kind of became the symbol of his apathy in the last couple months...to be fair, I think he is really concerned about "getting it right" and not letting me down in that regard. He did mention that he thought my timeline was perfectly reasonable and that he should've had it done, but that he expected help from a friend that never materialized. We resolved that by him saying that he would make sure it got done and I said that if he needed help, I would not force him to do it without any of my help.

And yes, the other half of it is that I wish he was looking forward to it like I am. Because I'm putting extra effort in for the day to be special/beautiful/meaningful, I'd love for all the things that are going into the wedding to really mean something to him and for him to be excited about it. It's just strange because it feels like he'll be more of a guest than a host. Something that's interesting is that he is a fantastic host at parties, but feels like a wedding is the opposite because it's a day where everyone "caters to you". I told him that I did not think that was the case--we are having a reception not to glorify ourselves, but to thank and entertain the guests that put in effort to see us commit our lives to one another.

I do think it's weird the different ideas that men and women have about weddings.