Why Do Guys Think It's OK Not To Care

I have a tip sheet that I send to my couples. It is directed to "the less involved half of the couple."

E-mail me if you'd like a copy.

I have a tip sheet that I send to my couples. It is directed to "the less involved half of the couple."

E-mail me if you'd like a copy.

@Anastasia- I totally understand what you are saying. My FH just wanted a band and an open bar. Its like pulling teeth to get him to do anything wedding related. I had a really hard time this summer....he was away for an internship and I was stuck in this little town we moved to, planning a wedding. When he got back, I finally told him "look, I know you aren't into this, but its crunch time. When I tell you I need something done by X date, I really need it done by X date." It got better for a little while, but now that football has started.....haha, we'll see. I"m sure I'll be naggy fiance all over again!

I think that guys think it's fine not to care because they get a TON of reinforcement that it is. I was shocked at how many people congratulated FH on his part of the process being done after he proposed. And while he has a million opinions on things that I don't care about at all (colors, flowers, etc), he still came into the planning assuming that I would do the leg work, and he would participate by giving a thumbs up or thumbs down and we had to have a sit down to talk about why that wouldn't work. We (in general) make so many excuses for the lack of equal involvement/excitement, but you know who else didn't suddenly turn into Martha Stewart (I wish, I love her)? Know who else didn't suddenly develop an interest in party planning? ME. I've basically come to the conclusion that I can make every task a fight against ingrained societal expectations, or I can make a wedding happen, but not both simultaneously, and I've opted for wedding (which I guess makes me part of the problem). So I focus on the contributions he makes, and the ways in which he does show his excitement, and the fact that we get to be married at the end of it all. But I do think it's bullshit.

Thomasina, I think that's totally it. I think you articulated that really well. And I'm with you...I'm crafty, but I have never hosted a party for over 100 people. Being able to pull off a housewarming party on my own or a dinner party is different. I see a lot of posts on forums where brides are frustrated with their groom's lack of participation. It causes fights, and yet it keeps happening. Maybe grooms figure that they've given their partner what they think they ultimately want (a promise of marriage) and that satisfies all other obligations, and the promise of marriage is too strong for the bride to cause any waves over having to plan it herself?

We considered doing a DW at first and I am so glad that we didn't. At least since the wedding is local I can actually go to the venue/vendor and talk to them about what's going on. If I had to do it alone with a DW and no help from FH I'd probably lose my mind.

Nancy, yes! FH does well with written instructions. Lol.

FH cared enough at the beginning to want to help (minimally). So I made him a monthly to do list because he doesn't like me nagging him with stuff I've asked him to do a hundred times already. It worked the first couple months but then he stopped giving a shit. His biggest project was to make cornhole boards with his grandpa. He was supposed to do it in March, but procrastinated until May, then his grandma broke her shoulder so grandpa couldn't help anymore. So we ended up paying hundreds of dollars and hours of painting to get them done 2 weeks before the wedding. Some men just don't care.

Anastasia I definitely see where you are coming from. I don't think it's ok for the FH to not be involved in the planning. I like the tips that have been given and the thought to assign him specific tasks around something he is interested in. We're still early but I'm afraid this will be an issue for us. FH is more wanting a bigger wedding whereas I would have been ok with a small DW. Also he has specific elegant tastes and thoughts of how he wants the wedding to look however I'm the one that defaulted to doing all the planning searching for vendors setting up meetings etc. I'm confused as to how that happens. But I've been having the conversation with him that he needs to help but I think I need to give him specific things to be in charge of. Maybe that will lower my frustration

I didn't read the comments so perhaps someone else already posted this, what I have been doing is picking a few of whatever wedding related item and then asking him what he likes best.

I hear what you guys are saying, but I dislike the traditional gender grouping of "guys just don't care".

Do they care about being married to you? If the answer is yes, maybe the point is "women who are getting upset about this care too much." The point is not the party, the point is the marriage. Once a man (or woman) works up the idea of "I would really like to spend my life with this person, it's time to move forward and propose" I don't think it's an automatic assumption that that action also means being super excited about table cloths and centerpieces. What's going on here is that the women who get upset about this are really big into the wow factor of the whole thing and their partners just are not. Whether or not your husband to be cares about helping plan a party is not a reflection of whether or not he cares for you. A wedding is not required for a marriage.

Now....if both partners sit down and say "yes I want this large traditional wedding, here are your tasks, here are my tasks, this is what I'm expecting, this is what you're expecting" and someone isn't following through? Yep, there is a legitimate reason to be upset. Just like all things in a marriage, if everything was agreed to up front, both people's roles are laid out, and the expectations are on the table, it's up to both people to work.

A lot of times what I think happens is that a bride to be (or whoever is upset in this scenario) feels that this is "her time to shine" and confuses her identity as a bride with her identity as a wife. My husband came with me to every catering appointment, every florist appointment, every planning appointment. We agreed to that up front. But he didn't get super excited about picking out the flowers with me, and that's understandable. It's important for people to not levy a requirement of their own happiness on expectations of how other people act. You are only going to be disappointed because most people are not aware of what you're expecting of them nor is it usually their responsibility to pay you that type of validation.

My FH is definitely NOT a planner, so I feel your pain! He's decided to pick up on extra household chores that I normally do to balance out the amount of time I spend crafting and what not. Every once it a while, he will have an opinion on the wedding and I have a mild heart attack from the shock. Haha. Are there other things your FH may be able to take on that would help take the load off of you without forcing him to plan for the wedding? Either way, good luck. Everything will turn out perfectly fine in the end!

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your fiance to do one or two things for the wedding. I asked my husband to do the planning for honeymoon and to get wedding insurance. He did neither And it turned out our wedding got canceled because of COVID. And it was his fault that we didn't have any insurance. I had a maid of honor chosen but she lived in another state and she was very sickly so she wasn't able to help with any planning. His mother-in-law probably would have helped me but she's so controlling I just really just did not want her to help because it would have been her wedding and not mine. She did everything for her daughter's wedding my husband's sister but I just didn't want it to be the exact same thing. I guess what got me was just how much he did not care about it. I mean why ask somebody to marry you and then you don't give a crap about the wedding? When our wedding got canceled, I had to send out notices to let everybody know that they shouldn't come. He looked at me and smiled and said just send them something cheap. God knows I wish I hadn't made the mistake of eloping with him long before we planned a wedding because I probably would not have married him knowing how much he did not care. I know it seems strange to elope with somebody before we plan the wedding but there was a lot of reasons why. We're both Christian and we were living together on married for such a long time because we kept having to push the wedding back more and more. So we decided to elope. I still feel like it was a big mistake. If you can wait till after you get married I would recommend just don't move in with your fiance until after the wedding. Keep your lives separate for as long as possible. It was like after we got married my husband turned into this monster. Like you no longer have to work to keep me in his life because we were married and that was that. When we finally did get a chance to replan our wedding 2 years later I was trying to save his parents money because they offered to pay for it. I got into this huge argument and he called me the B word. I've really regretted marrying him but it was too late. But I have such low self-esteem back then that that's probably why I just gave into it. I've straightened him out since then because I don't play that game. But yeah I think the women on here who are upset with the other women for their husband's not giving a crap they just don't get it. Men should give a crap and they should not be all on the female to plan everything. God knows I almost went freaking nuts trying to plan it all by myself with no help with the honeymoon or anything hardly.

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Hi Dmccm86. This is a board from 2015 and it definitely shows the antiquated approach to gender roles and responsibility. Gender equity is modern, it's relevant, it's NOW. Anyone who accepts less from their partner in wedding planning-- their first project together-- should not be surprised by the unequal power dynamic that will continue into their marriage. Best wishes to you.