Why is etiquette so frowned on?

I think the issue comes from people that are sticklers for etiquette, assume that when things are done differently from that set of rules, it's rude and terrible.

I disagree that a pandemic doesn't change certain rules of etiquette. For example: The rule that anyone invited to a wedding shower/event prior to the wedding, must be invited to the wedding. Before the pandemic, yes...I would 100% agree with this, no budging, but during a pandemic, that's a different story. Plenty of couples can't invite everyone they want because of covid restrictions, and I think having those that can't come to the wedding, still be part of a celebration for the couple, is a nice gesture. I've had a few friends that invited my FH and I to their showers, but couldn't invite us to the wedding because of covid. Was I upset? Nope. Why? Because I understood the circumstances, and appreciated that they wanted to still include me in the celebrations. Now would some people find it rude and as a form of 'gift grabbing'? Yeah probably, but I think that shows more about the person rather than the couple. During times like this, I think you have to be more open minded, and aware that not everything is going to be followed by the book, and that doesn't mean anyone is rude by any means!

Everyone had their own opinions, so I'm not saying that etiquette is being thrown out completely, I'm just saying that there's a way to go about things during a pandemic that may stretch/change an etiquette rule, but isn't necessarily meant to be rude.

I agree that etiquette is incredibly important for all interactions, not just in terms of weddings. I also agree that etiquette and tradition are completely different things. Traditions can be different from one person (Family, group, nationality, culture, etc.) to another, and can change or be completely eliminated over time. However, I think you are looking past the fact that etiquette also changes over time, albeit at a much slower rate than tradition. Things that were considered proper etiquette 100 years ago are not proper etiquette today. And often times there were extreme circumstances that led to those changes (just like the pandemic of today). Though not always. Just changing times and changing societies eventually lead to a change in etiquette that reflect those societal changes. So although etiquette is incredibly important, so is the ability to recognize and accept when what is considered ”proper etiquette” is changing. And also to accept that a change in etiquette is not inherently “bad”.

To give some perspective, here is an article about 25 rules of etiquette that have changed, just in our lifetime! And there are many many more. Etiquette is a constant evolution.


https://bestlifeonline.com/etiquette-rules-that-have-changed/

People often bundle manners, etiquette and classism into one thing and throw the baby out with the bathwater.
I’ve had guests walk in and put a dirty baseball cap on the table next to the food and call me uptight for moving it off the table - but most people know that’s rude, and this guy got off on flaunting basic manners because he wasn’t “old fashioned.” He was just a jerk, not some champion of modernity.

I enjoy etiquette and putting on lovely dinner parties, but won’t stress too much if venues schedule has the start time is 30 minutes before the official Black Tie cut off - we shouldn’t be slaves to etiquette, it should help us navigate social situations.
People like to complain that etiquette is elitist, but it’s the opposite - if the rules are clear, anyone can follow them. Historically, the times of greatest socially mobility coincide with an increase in books on manners and etiquette, manuals on how to host formal events, instructions on how to write formal letters - making these skills accessible to anyone and not just learned at home.

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I can kind of see that but I respectfully disagree that it changes. At the same time, many say "that doesn't make sense" or "I don't like it therefore it's outdated". Case in point: several threads want to have a ceremony only with no reception of any kind. Majority consensus is "it's Covid so that's ok" or any number of instances that would make parents and grandparents livid and embarrassed because it's just not done. Etiquette and proper courtesy doesn't say it is but those who agree that it's rude are essentially to told to get with the times. Emily Post and Miss Manners in the newspaper columns have not said that manners are thrown out the window. The advice they do give on navigating Covid is said by those same dissenters to be not true. When Ms Post and Manners say we no longer have to abide by etiquette of any kind then it will be much different. We have not reached that period yet

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I agree completely. Some things are minor enough that most people won't ostracize you for but it's usually the big noticeable ones that people say don't apply to them and wonder why others are upset by the rudeness.

View Quoted Comment Well history has definitely shown us that etiquette most certainly DOES change. It is just a fact. There are probably at least 50 things per day you do that would have been considered incredibly poor etiquette 100 years ago. Your biggest grievance seems to be people not adhering to certain wedding etiquette during a global pandemic. Although, yes, some people are choosing to do things that would, at any other time, be considered improper etiquette, society as a whole agrees that those unspoken rules are temporarily being given a pass during these unprecedented times. In a huge number of these cases, adhering to proper etiquette would mean putting thousands of lives at risk. I’m sorry, but in no way shape or form should etiquette ever come before the health and safety of the general public. That should just be common sense. I do not think any of the brides who are having to make etiquette concessions in order to protect the health and safety of their guests (or really anyone for that matter) are insinuating that those particular etiquette rules should just be thrown out the window permanently. Rather, temporary leniency is being granted under the current extreme conditions.

View Quoted Comment This is an EXTREME case but I had an acquaintance whose husband was very much “manners are outdated and useless” and would make a big deal out of passing gas, loudly and with a big production, whenever they were out. Church, restaurants, movies. He would laugh like it was the funniest thing. His wife was so embarrassed and over time just didn’t go places with him. He said she was stuck up. But come on, there are ways to be relaxed and not stuck up that don’t include making everyone around you uncomfortable!

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Agreed completely!

Writing 'thank you' cards to your guests for attending and for their gift is something that is able to stay intact without temporary changes due to the pandemic.

Having to make adjustments as far as who is invited to what, for example, in order to ensure everyone is safe, is something that has to temporarily change due to the times we are currently in.

I cannot agree enough, there are acceptable and unacceptable changes based on COVID and I find myself really wrinkling my nose at a ton of questions and (worse) the answers in reply to them

Some things I see as acceptable because of COVID:

Using it as your word of mouth excuse to why you couldn't invite aunt Sue that you haven't seen in 20 years or your parents' friends whose children invited your parents. Or as your excuse to do a parent's only wedding or an elopement. Absolutely, go nuts.
Not having plus ones. Sure.
Things I can't believe people are excusing:
No reception but come to my 50+ person ceremony. Makes no sense. It's usually way less socially distanced. If your excuse is "well it's masks off vs on" I still don't buy it, some people will probably not wear a mask (or wear it correctly) during the ceremony anyway.
Not inviting social units. You invite your brother but not his wife? No.
Inviting people to /gift giving events/ that aren't invited to the wedding. This one especially boggles my mind. You wanna celebrate with this group but they can't come to the wedding because of # restrictions? Skip the showers, invite them virtually, and if you insist on hosting an event for these groups, make it a reception for virtual guests. Make it an afterparty, do anything but a gift giving event!
My biggest issue with that last one (besides that it comes off incredibly gift grabby) is that the entire point of limited gatherings is to avoid spread. You meet with 50 people and then a week later you meet with 50 more people, you've possibly spread COVID. Congratulations.

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Well said! I agree 100% on all of those.

View Quoted Comment That IS an extreme example 😳 oh my!!

My mom always said “Good manners never go out of style” and I’m glad I was raised that way. Unfortunately, it does seem good manners, such as please and thank you, some people think it doesn’t apply to them 🤨