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Savvy June 2019

Why is it rude to have a cash registry? i genuinely don’t understand.

Colleen , on April 26, 2019 at 6:37 PM Posted in Registry 0 42

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I hate hate hate gifts. I hate stuff. I am a minimalist. I don’t need or event want anything else in my 700sq foot apartment. Any Christmas or birthday present I ever buy for someone else is an experience and not a thing. I am a climber and all of my extra money goes to what makes me and my FH happy; camping, hiking and climbing.

My wedding is a couple months away and I’m literally dreading the idea of receiving gifts. Call me crazy. Any time I receive a gift I feel nothing but guilt because I genuinely don’t want to have to deal with it. Idk what it is. I live in Colorado but am getting married in Rhode Island (that’s where I’m from). I can’t bring gifts back with me. I realize I can register for gifts and have them sent to me out in Colorado, but there are like ten things I can think of that I want or need, and they’re all climbing related lol.

Question for everyone who says it is rude to “ask” for cash rather than gifts. Why is it totally acceptable to have a gift registry, but considered “rude” to have a cash registry? Both are entirely optional, right? Having a gift registry isn’t asking or expecting your guests to give you a gift. A cash registry is the same exact thing, no? It is just there as an option on your wedding website, just as the gift registry is. In fact, with a gift registry, you’re literally hand picking things for people to buy you. So I am genuinely curious, what is the difference? Please, something besides “it’s non-traditional” or it’s “just rude,” because I am seriously struggling to understand what exactly makes it rude. I feel like it’s way more rude to take a gift and return it and then lie about it on a thank you card.

Everyone invited to the wedding knows us well and knows that we live for adventure. Would it be “rude” to set up a cash registry to help us toward climbing Denali in Alaska?

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42 Comments

Latest activity by Rebecca, on March 20, 2020 at 12:57 PM

Savvy June 2019
Colleen · on April 26, 2019 at 6:41 PM
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PS I’m sorry if I seem hateful haha I just have been agonizing over this for so long. I am so tired of overthinking everything wedding and etiquette related
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Champion October 2018
Kelly · on April 26, 2019 at 6:44 PM
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As long as you don’t put it on your wedding invitations it’s not rude. Some people find them deceitful because they think they are purchasing you an experience without realizing it’s just money going to your bank account with a middle man taking out a fee. We didn’t have a cash registry and got a done of cards with cash/checks at the wedding. If we would’ve done a honeymoon fund we would’ve lost over $500 of that money in fees! In some regions it’s the norm to give cash at a wedding and others it isn’t. There will be people that want to give you a physical gift no matter what though and there isn’t really a way around that.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on April 26, 2019 at 6:47 PM
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Weddings aren't gift giving events. The whole purpose of gift registries is for bridal or couples showers, which are gift giving events. Ideally, the couple registers for gifts that would start them out on the right foot in their marriage and their lives together since historically couples didn't live together before the wedding. If you don't want gifts, you obviously wouldn't accept the offer for a shower, thus defeating the purpose of a registry. There's no need to tell your guests "we don't need anything except your money." It's the same concept with birthdays, Christmas, or other gift giving holidays. You wouldn't say "I don't want your gift, give me money instead." People know that cash is a good gift and if you don't register, they will default to a cash or check. Cash registry websites also charge a fee for your guests to contribute and most people find it pretty silly to charge someone to give you a gift that they can give for free.
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Savvy June 2019
Colleen · on April 26, 2019 at 6:51 PM
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Thank you. That is a really helpful answer. So do you think I should have a small registry with the few things we really need, and then hope that everyone else who wants to give us a gift just chooses cash?
Would it be rude to put this on my website (and not include a cash registry, just the small gift registry): “You’ll notice our list is quite small, and that’s because we’re incredibly grateful to have most everything we need at our home in Colorado. As you probably know, what makes us the happiest is time spent together in the great outdoors. If you would like to help send us on our next big adventure, you’ll gift us memories that will last a lifetime.” ?
Asking for cash without asking for cash lol. Or just say nothing and keep the small registry?
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Devoted July 2019
Rayna · on April 26, 2019 at 6:51 PM
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No one needs to be told that money is a good gift. Literally everyone knows this. There are so many people that don’t like cash registries that I wouldn’t want to risk offending my guests. If you don’t want gifts then politely explain that you have all that you need and don’t register. People will take the hint. A gift is gratuitous, if I get something I don’t want then I say thank you and return it or donate it.
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Savvy June 2019
Colleen · on April 26, 2019 at 6:53 PM
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Yeah I’m not having a shower because I don’t want the gifts. But I’ve been told I “need” to have a registry because some people will want to give a physical gift no matter what. I figured having a small registry would help us get something we would actually use, and then it could be shipped to Colorado. We can’t take any physical gifts back with us from the wedding.
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Champion October 2018
Kelly · on April 26, 2019 at 6:55 PM
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Glad it was helpful! I would make a small registry of things you want to upgrade. I’m not sure about the note because it’s such a know your crowd thing. Can you ask a few close family members or some friends what they’ve mostly seen at weddings? If they think people in your circle will know to bring a card or need to be told? I’ve seen things posted on here that it depends on your region and social circle. For us once everything was bought off our registry people gave money without needing to be prompted.
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Beginner July 2018
Jessica · on April 26, 2019 at 6:58 PM
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In my experience...as most of my extended family is from the east coast (I am not), people tend to give cash gifts for east coast weddings anyways. I had my wedding in Florida...spent a significant amount of time putting together a registry with gift items of all price ranges and I’m pretty sure I received like two items from the registry and the rest were cash gifts. My suggestion would be to just put a few items on the registry and people will get the hint that you would like cash.
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Dedicated August 2019
Renae · on April 26, 2019 at 6:59 PM
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You just have to understand that everyone on here comes from different upbringings and has their "own" opinions. I have been to 3 weddings that registered through Zola and yes they did have some camping stuff, a few household items but they also registered for gift cards, and honeymoon adventures-like parasailing. My FH and I gifted the adventure because we are like you and I think getting stuff is so completely unimportant and I'd rather help my friends do something fun and make new memories. Also, by not registering for anything, you have to deal with everyone asking if you are registered and when you tell them NO and just hope they won't decide what you should have for your home.
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Savvy June 2019
Colleen · on April 26, 2019 at 6:59 PM
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Yeah I really don’t think anyone would be offended by me writing including the note. I never understand when people write about offending their guests... I can’t think of a single person, except maybe one, who would even think twice about it lol I guess I’m lucky!
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on April 26, 2019 at 7:03 PM
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I think it’s totally fine (and progressive these days with older brides or second marriages where couples don’t want “stuff”). Use Zola or Honeyfund. The fee they take is TINY compared to the convenience. We used Honeyfund & linked to very small registries at Macy’s & BBB for guests who wanted to get us a physical gift.

As Kelly said, just don’t put your registry info on invites or your wedding website. Wait for guests to ask if you’re registered. 👍
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Savvy June 2019
Colleen · on April 26, 2019 at 7:04 PM
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True true. Most of my guests are millennials and probably don’t give AF at all. And the family members.. sooo many of them are super forward thinking and accepting. Like super liberal and free thinking and eco-conscious and just chill. And since it’s smaller I think 99% of the guests know us well enough to not buy us linens lol
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Super June 2019
Katie · on April 26, 2019 at 7:06 PM
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In your situation I would agree that a very small registry for people that insist on buying physical gifts would be your best bet. If you don't register at all those people will still buy you something, might as well be something you could use. If people see most of the stuff on your registry is bought then they'll default to cash. I personally would never give money through a cash registry. Why would I want a cut of that going to a random company? Cash and check work just fine. And if you aren't registered anywhere, that's a pretty good indication that you would prefer cash. I don't need to be flat out told you prefer cash, I can read between the lines. That's just my personal opinion though.
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Savvy June 2019
Colleen · on April 26, 2019 at 7:13 PM
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I am pretty sure that most of my guests think like you, too! Or I hope so hahaha
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Devoted July 2019
Lizbeth · on April 26, 2019 at 7:23 PM
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I once recieved a wedding invitation that said "monetary gifts only"

We dont want gifts either so we didn't create a registry, and didn't write anything on our invite.
A few people have asked us if we have a registry and we said no and their response is "oh so money is best" which is awkward to respond to this bc I honestly just want to have am amazing fancy party
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Dedicated May 2019
Lashell · on April 26, 2019 at 7:28 PM
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To be honest I don't care if they think it's rude I'm not telling you how much to give now that's rude I will be asking for money many ppl don't know my personal life so they are unaware that me and my fiancé live together we don't need anything for the house. We have things we need money for. I don't want anyone to waste time shopping for us plus we having a wedding not where we live. I say do what works for you I really feel this idea is old fashion.
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Super October 2019
Misty · on April 26, 2019 at 7:34 PM
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Girl I resonate with what you're saying. I honestly dont see a difference. A registry is a specific request for a specific thing... which is what a money registry is. I think that those that consider it rude more feel that way based upon traditions... maybe worry more about the way you put it... print it... say it. Less about whether or not it's acceptable. People are different and see things differently. You cant please everyone all the time. And kudos to you for being self aware enough to know what you want to do but compassionate enough to worry about others feelings. If someone wants to buy you a gift they will.... whether or not you have a registry. So ask for what you guys truly need. Money.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on April 26, 2019 at 8:09 PM
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I grew up that a registry is for the shower not the wedding, but realize after being on wedding wire this might be a regional thing. That's why cash registries irk me though, cause a shower is for gifts not just opening cards with cash.
I like the Kelly's idea above of having a small upgrade registry.
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Master 0000
Judith · on April 26, 2019 at 8:16 PM
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Actually, non computerized gift registries have been around for nearly a hundred years, and for decades, exclusively for wedding. Then weddings or showers. And they are still for both. In some areas and social or ethnic groups, money gifts are very common for weddings. In some, very rare. Older etiquette books will tell you what your parents generation learned growing up: That anyone other than older family, or a mentor, godparent etc. who gave primarily money for a wedding gift was seen as both ill mannered, as well as not thoughtful enough to bother picking out a gift for the person. Now, people from all areas are more likely to find money an acceptable or very desirable gift. But for a lot of people, weddings call primarily for gifts not money. And as anyone who works with department store registries, or reads industry publications, the greatest value number of gifts bought from all registries , are delivered for wedding date, or specifically listed, for delivery, or receipt and allowable return dates, as for weddings not showers, 3-4x as many for weddings as showers on average. So while in your family, area, or group, wedding gifts may rarely be from the registry, they are balanced by other groups where almost all wedding gifts are from registries. So while in your experience, registries may rarely be used for weddings, in mine and many others, it is the opposite. Meaning, I agree what you say is true, for some groups, but not at all for others. 😊
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Dedicated August 2019
Rebecca · on April 26, 2019 at 8:19 PM
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As a guest, I’d rather just give you a check than go through a cash registry site because most sites will take a cut, sometimes as much as 7%, meaning if I gave $100, you’d only get $93. A lot of people feel upset when they find that out, because they threw money away when they could have easily just given you a check. I recommend making no registry and people will do the math. I also don’t like that cash registries will designate cash towards certain items because in reality, the website will just give you money. Say people give you money towards Alaska, but then one of you is laid off or has an accident and the money is put towards that instead? Givers who thought they were sending you to Alaska may be confused. If you don’t make a registry, people will most likely give you cash or nothing (sometimes no registry makes people think you do not want gifts).
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