Why Women Proposing Is Still Rare (source: nytimes Feb. 25, 2016 )

I proposed and we wouldn't have had it any other way.

I didn’t propose for many reasons. 1) My husband had made it known that he wanted to wait. So we were on his timeline so we were both ready. And the gesture of him proposing and giving a ring, in my eyes, was a making a commitment. Had I asked i think i may have questioned his authenticity. Like yeah he said yes but is a wedding actually going to happen. 2) it’s not something he would have appreciated me doing. It would have made him feel less manly (he’s very sensitive like that 🙄) 3) I wanted to have my moment. Call me selfish, spoiled, girlie, whatever. I’ve never had any other grand romantic gesture and it’s something I wanted and looked forward to.


I think for some people it would work, but it would not have in my relationship. Media does make the expectations for proposals quite high though I do think.

I don't think many women care about gender roles anymore. However I know a lot of men still want to "do it themselves." My fiancé seemed to be dragging his feet for a while, and some people suggested I just propose to him, but I know he wouldn't like that and possibly feel like his moment was taken from him. I personally don't think I could ever propose to a man. It's cute when other couples do it, but I just can't wrap my head around it.

I'm older than DH, so we were on his timeline, and he also said he wanted to take that role.

But I also made it clear that I would say yes, and if he wanted, I'd trot down to city hall and do it there.

Like Jasmine, I don't think it's gender roles... on women's end.

I'd say it's far more about couples' own personal timelines.

View Quoted Comment

These are Unnecessary questions but I'm curious 😃 (Assuming you proposed to a man):

1) Did you propose on one knee?

2) Did you get him a ring?

View Quoted Comment Yes to all! We had picked out rings together previously but he was super surprised and loved it. We are about to celebrate our second year of being married.

I think the patriarchy hurts men and women. Not in this forum so much, but there are other bridal forums with a different focus/vibe and I have seen dozens of posts about women waiting years for a proposal, without ever having directly discussed their wants and needs with their partners, for fear of "being too naggy", "ruining the surprise", or "taking away from his moment."

It's so sad to me when women don't feel like they have the right to have a say in their future. Discussing mutual goals, plans, and a timeline is not being naggy or taking anything away from anyone; it's vital for a healthy relationship. I also think many women are just as invested in "traditional" gender roles as men are.

I thought of proposing but i also knew that my husband had wanted to wait too so i felt like that would have REALLY pressured him.

View Quoted Comment

GREAT. Congrats!

View Quoted Comment Thank you!

View Quoted Comment

Couldn't agree more!

It's okay for a girl/woman to make the first move, to give the first kiss, to ask her partner to move in with her but not okay for her to propose to him?

People rarely fall into strict categories, and all I can say is what worked for me. I was married 20 years and while much of it was great - two children, world travel, lots of experiences - one thong that came up when he was angry was that I suggested marriage and he felt “pushed.” So....I carry that baggage.
My FH knew that, and knew that *for me* to feel good about it, I needed to know that he absolutely 10000% wanted to marry me, was excited to marry me and that he was not asking me just to keep me from leaving, etc.
It’s all about knowing each other’s needs. I can say that boy oh boy, with my ex and the woman he left me for 10 years ago (she was pregnant), she is still begging to get married and he’s not “ready” but they have children and a house. It’s important to her, not to him...but not important enough for her to leave. I actually feel sorry for her as crazy as that sounds.

I wouldn't have proposed, and I think my FH would have been mortified it I had. To each it's own!

My fiancé and I have had conversations about engagement and he has told me that the wedding is the day I dream of, the proposal day is the day he dreamt of. It was a huge moment for both of us for different reasons. He would have absolutely felt emasculated had I taken that from him. Maybe it is a feminine thing? I don't know, but I would have never.

Not only is my FH old school and would have been mortified if I had proposed before he got the chance to, I ainʻt about "chasing" no man. The "funny" cake topper of the bride dragging the groom to the alter? NOPE. If youʻre not super excited to marry me, if Iʻm not your hell yes, then itʻs a solid no and we both need to move on.

My FH had been engaged before, and so I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him into it. I told him I'd like to get married at some point, but wasn't picky on when it actually happened. Jokingly I told him he had until we'd been together for ten years and then if we hadn't at least seriously talked about it/put some kind of timeline together I was out.

Whenever we were in the mall I'd jokingly suggest visiting one of the jewelers to look at rings, and the last time I made the joke he all but dragged me over. I didn't feel like we were in a place financially to do it, but he knew where he stood on it and made his own decision lol. I also hate feeling like I'm wasting someone's time, so not knowing where he stood on it all I didn't actually want to go in and talk to sales people, especially because I was very particular on what I wanted.

We ended up going back to the same jeweler and got a custom ring made up, and went on an anniversary trip out of state a few weeks later. He had a sort of proposal in mind but the plan fell through so I ended up finally asking him if I could wear the ring since it had been in my purse the entire trip

We discussed on a pretty regular basis about getting married, so I feel like an actual proposal would have been weird for us.

I didn't because I knew FH wanted to and I "steal his thunder" in enough other ways that I wanted him to have this one. (He's very much a gentleman, and "stealing his thunder" often means things like opening the door for him or sitting down before he's had a chance to pull the chair out for me. It's mostly a joking thing for us, though; he doesn't actually get mad when I do.) I did tell him that if we had been together for 5 years and still weren't even engaged that we would be having a conversation about where the relationship was going, if anywhere. But he proposed after 1 year and about 3 months of officially being together, so there you have it. I personally don't really give a crap about who proposes in general, but I do have really bad anxiety and likely wouldn't be able to bring myself to actually propose.

View Quoted Comment

" If youʻre not super excited to marry me, if Iʻm not your hell yes, then itʻs a solid no and we both need to move on.": Couldn't agree more. This cake topper is everything but funny.

Some people use this pic for their invites:

or these wedding pics:

I dislike these.

View Quoted Comment

It might be funny for the bachelor party or something, sure, but not the actual wedding, no.

I was ready to get married well before my fiance, so I felt it was better for him to propose when he was ready. I knew it was coming, but I think planning the proposal and going through the ring purchasing was good for him to start processing marriage and lifelong commitment. The prospect of lifelong commitment came much easier to me for some reason.

View Quoted Comment Amen to this!