Wife standing up in best friends’ wedding - I am not

Unfortunately no. It’s unfortunate that you are left out but it’s their wedding. Who knows they may still include you in those events. My rehearsal dinner is for spouses and I’m letting each spouse sit with their partners at our reception.

Unfortunately there isn't you can do becmsudes deal with it. They aren't required to include you. Typically the spouses attend the rehearsal so there isn't any reason you should feel left out of that. Have they confirmed they are having a head table? I've found they aren't as common anymore and it's actually become more common for the couple to have a heart sweetheart table and to set the bridal party with their significant others. Even if they do decide to have a head table don't make a big deal about it to them or your wife.

I understand but at the end of the day it's not an obligation being in the wedding party since you're friends. I would just try to be happy for them.

You aren't wrong to feel hurt, but no, there's nothing you can do beyond sucking it up. I expect that you will be involved in at least some of the events you mention though, or that they won't be precisely how you expect them to be. Many people invite more than just the bridal party to bachelor/bachelorette parties. Spouses are (as a matter of etiquette) usually invited to the rehearsal dinner. Head tables aren't nearly as prevalent as they once were and sweetheart tables allow the bridal party to sit with their significant others. You won't be in the photos, but is that really that bad? You'll have to sit alone for the ceremony, but it's not like you would have chatted during.

I'd actually be a little hurt on behalf of your wife. If I was picked by my "best friends" to be apart of their wedding to even numbers out, I would feel like I wasn't as important to them. I'm sorry you feel hurt about this but, like others have said there's not really anything you can do since it's their wedding.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. If I was your wife I'd be hurt that I'm only included in the wedding because of even numbers. Secondly you need to suck it up. They are not obligated to include you in the wedding even when they include your wife. And I get being jealous and hurt but you need to put those feelings aside to show support and happiness for your wife. You most likely will be included in some pre wedding events.

Honestly, if I were your wife I’d be hurt I was chosen to simply “even out the numbers”. But maybe they just said that to try to soften the blow of not choosing you.


It’s totally understandable and human to be a little hurt. And it’s not always fun to attend a wedding as a date of a wedding party member. But focus on your friends and how awesome it was for you to find and marry your person! Channel your hurt into celebration and don’t waste any more negative mind space on this.

By far the majority of weddings I have attended or been in for the last 20 years, the has seated the spouse/fiance/ SO at the same table for dinner and the rest of thefening, not separating the bridal party. There is no need to separate them, and both bridal party and their SO/spouses are happier.

View Quoted Comment I hope they explained it that way because he he was upset about not being picked, and were trying to not cause any issues.
Your feelings are your feelings, and you can’t change how you feel. But maybe examine the root of them - concern that the groom is not as close to you as you thought? Concern that you aren’t going to be included in everything that your wife is?
Your user name references anxiety, so if you are referring to having anxiety, something I do when I am feeling anxious about my important relationships is to say out loud what is bothering me, to hear my voice say it, and see if that takes the power away.

I'd honestly be way more offended as your wife if I was told I was only included to even out the numbers. That's horrible!

View Quoted Comment I agree with needing to find the reasoning for these feelings. Exactly why are you hurt? Because you were not chosen as a groomsman? Are you jealous your wife was chosen but you were not? Is it fear of missing out? Anxiety about having to attend the ceremony and/or part of the reception without your wife? Once you identify the root of the feelings, you can better rationalize the situation.

View Quoted Comment I appreciate these responses as it’s helping me to better interpret this situation.


I’d say the root cause of these feelings is because I saw the wedding going one of two ways:
1. My wife and I would both be in the wedding party.
2. We wouldn’t have any part of it.
Both options would be completely fine. What I didn’t see coming was my wife being a part of it w/o me.
It’s not something to get upset over, but I’m super close to this couple and helped them through several major hurdles in their lives, long before my wife came into the picture. Is that validation that I should be Included in the wedding? Of course not. It’s their wedding, their choice, and at the end of the day it’s all about what they’re comfortable with.
What bothers me is the fear of missing out as we reach the various milestones of the wedding planning dates. And eventually, when we go over to their house, I’ll have to see that wedding photo with my wife in it and me nowhere to be found. It really hurts...at least right now. But in the context of their wedding it does seem selfish.
As a few of you mentioned I should probably look inward and figure out why I feel this way. I’m hoping it will soon pass, but talking it out on the forum seemed like a good place to let it all out before I hopefully get over it.

View Quoted Comment That makes more sense. It seems, more or less, that they chose to have a very small wedding party, and since the groom has two brothers, his side was filled by “default.” Assuming the bride doesn’t have sisters, her side was filled by top friends. In terms of pre-wedding events, the bridal shower and bachelorette party are typically women only. Rehearsal and rehearsal dinner typically include spouses of the wedding party, so you will most likely be invited. As for the picture, I do not know of anyone who has displayed a photo of their entire wedding party. Those pictures are closed away in an album, and only one or two of the bride and groom are ever displayed. Truthfully, it is both expensive and a little bit of a pain the the rear to be in a wedding party! Be thankful you don’t have to shell out a few hundred dollars to rent an ill-fitting tuxedo and are just able to enjoy the day as a guest!

"But being sidelined while my wife takes part was unexpected and will only bother me more and more until the wedding is over."

"As a few of you mentioned I should probably look inward and figure out why I feel this way. I’m hoping it will soon pass, but talking it out on the forum seemed like a good place to let it all out before I hopefully get over it."

Yes, you need to look inward and figure out why you feel this way. If it's going to bother you more and more until the wedding is over, and you don't think you can "hopefully" get over it, then you should tell your wife now that you prefer her not be in their wedding. Please don't let this drag on, and then when it gets down to doing things like fittings and rehearsal dinners and parties, start making your wife feel guilty that she's taking part in these things and you are not. It wouldn't be fair to put her in the middle and make her choose between your hurt feelings or continuing to be in the wedding. So, I think it's best if you decide now whether or not this is going to grow into a major issue, and address it if needed.

View Quoted Comment I don't think he should tell his wife that he would prefer her not to be in the wedding because of his jealousy. That is truly selfish behavior to tell someone you love that they can't do something like being in someone's wedding that you aren't in, all because you can't control your jealousy. That would be so unfair to his wife. While it's ok to feel jealous, it isn't ok to make someone miss out because of your jealousy. He needs to get over it and realize that there are going to be times where his wife will get to do something that he won't, and same for his wife, there will be times he will get to do something she won't. It's part of life. And if he can't figure out how to get over it now, it is just going to be a recurring problem in his marriage. And it will eventually have a negative effect on his wife and his marriage.

View Quoted Comment I agree, it really is not good for a relationship for this to fester. And hurtful for her to have his disappointment hanging over her head when it should be fun to do the prewedding activities.

View Quoted Comment

I completely agree. It is very unfair to his wife. He needs to get over his jealousy and deal with the situation. However, because of the two quotes I included, I'm not sure he's capable of doing that. And, imo, it is even more unfair to his wife and his friends if he lets her go on thinking that all is ok, then as the day gets closer he let's the jealousy get the best of him and forces her out of the role. Then it's all the worse for her having anticipated being in the wedding, and worse for the friends who would have to find a last minute replacement.

Here's hoping OP reads your post and takes it to heart.

This is one of those situations where it's fine to feel your feelings, but how you choose to proceed from here has a right and a wrong direction.

Right: keep your feelings of jealousy and resentment to yourself, recognizing that you are making their wedding about you instead of simply being happy for your friends. Hopefully, in time you will get over these feelings and move into a better head space.

Wrong: telling your friends about your disappointment or asking your wife not to be in the wedding. You can certainly share with your wife how not being picked has hurt your feelings, but not in a way that makes her feel guilty for being chosen.