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Savvy October 2023

Will i forever be excluded from sister in laws?

Shelly, on June 13, 2020 at 4:34 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 5

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Going anonymous. I’ve been with my fiancé for years but we got engaged last year, marrying in October. Fiancé’s close to his family, they consist of mainly women lol, mainly women. His two sisters, his female cousin, and an aunt (our age). I’m not including this topic on the older women (aunts and grandmas).

The girls often do things together and never invite me but I’ve learned to try to not take it personally over the years. Only now, it hits differently because I want to be a part of the family. I’ve always felt they were close enough to open up to me about their issues, we hang our with family often, to think I’m “in” but yet I’m never invited to their little girl nights. However, I only get invited when it’s alllll the friends and circles but not their “little circle”.
Maybe it’s cuz they grew up together I thought. But over the year they’ve been inviting the aunt’s former sister in law and having their own girls nights and group chats. One of the sister in laws asked if I wanted to join and I said yes but she never did invite me. I think that’s what hurts most because maybe they just don’t really like me that much. Not that they hate me but they don’t like me enough as I thought to make an effort. I’ve tried inviting them but they always have an excuse.
I thought maybe having the two sister in laws as bridesmaids would bring us closer but it’s been awkward when I have to confront them about something. One example, one sister in law bought a dress that doesn’t fit her and she keeps saying she doesn’t want to buy a new one and instead will probably try to lose weight. I’m not going to force her to do anything but it just saddens me that she never was like this as a bridesmaid for her sister or aunt’s wedding.
It really hurts. Should I just try to accept this is how it will be or should I keep making an effort?
TLDR: Feeling excludes from in-laws, should I accept it or make more of an effort?

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Latest activity by Shelly, on June 15, 2020 at 7:49 AM

Master November 2020
Kristen · on June 13, 2020 at 4:52 PM
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Well you have one of two options: 1 - either take the ladies aside and talk to them about this and express your feelings that you would love to be closer to them and that you feel excluded from these events and that you hope as a family that they can build a closer bond or 2 - just accept it and do not let it get to you. I hate to say it but this is one of those uncomfortable conversations you need to have or let it go. I mean do not be rude, maybe even invite them over to your house for wine and cheese or something and just open up the dialogue that you really love and respect them and you have noticed over the years they have these get togethers and you would love to have a closer relationship with these ladies. either they do not realize they do not leaving you out or worse case they prefer to keep their group how it is. It does hurt if it is the latter and you have a right to be bothered but if they do not after discussing with them then I would always be respectful to them but move on have your own group and do not make special invitations for them.
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Savvy October 2023
Shelly · on June 13, 2020 at 7:37 PM
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Thank you. Maybe I’ll invite them again...dee what happens.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on June 14, 2020 at 4:23 AM
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Does your FH have any insight into the family dynamics?
DH always wanted me to be close to his sister, but she's made it very clear she isn't interested in that relationship. This has caused friction, particularly when she was a groomswoman, and ... well, let's just say the rest of our BP didn't like her. While she's behaved marginally better since then, I'm not holding my breath. I told DH that she's his sister, and if he wants her behavior to change, he gets to do the talking.
So.
While I agree with Kristen that this is a "talk about it or let it go" situation, I think you need to start by talking to your FH. Because he may have some idea of what is going on with them, or how they work, as a unit. With that information, you can decide if you should talk to them, or if he should.

Also, some families are just like, "until you're married, you don't count"... which I don't agree with, because my family is not that way, but my ILs are... so. YMMV.
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Master 0000
Judith · on June 14, 2020 at 11:05 PM
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I t is hard breaking in to 2 sisters and a cousin, or other relative. I have 4 sisters, many many first cousins. But on the few occasions we can get together, NO ONE else is welcome. I would be fine with others, and one otger sister would. We are 11 years and 3 years ( me) older than twin sisters and one two months younger. Close as we are, I did not have any in my bridal party, because any friend would have felt excluded, so I had all friends. Too bad I cannot donate 3 of hubby's brothers' wives and two of his sisters. I can't get throught visits with them, and any time we are in NYC to visot, they invite and insist. He has 3 other sisters and 4 other SIL , who are okay. But the 5 who try to get me to join them probably cannot understand my complete lack of interest. They were neighbors and girlfriends growing up, and everything is insider jokes, little jealousies, and a relationship I only understand because my sisters and I have a society of 5. Singly, we are all friendly to others, do things with others But as a group, tough to break in. I am sorry, if you are lonely and would like to be included. Maybe your FI can explain, and get one to sponsor you, make overtures, become your friend separately. And over time the others will accept you. I am the one in my family who will bring brothers girlfriends, now all wives, into the fold. our core trio allow that, then act friendly. But are standoffish in my absence. It is not anything wrong with you. It is them. And what will likely change things is if one has a baby and either brings everyone in, or the others seek you out in her absence. Does FMIL have any idea you feel so shut out?
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Savvy October 2023
Shelly · on June 15, 2020 at 7:49 AM
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He kind of does. How I know is because last year they all planned a girls trip to Chicago with all the moms and aunts included over Mother’s Day weekend. My two FSILs has dinner with FI and they told him that I was invited.

That night FI came to me and asked if I was going. I was so confused, I said I heard about the trip but they never asked me to go. So FI was encouraging that I go and said “you’ve always wanted to be invited to things so you should go” I think he can just tell without me having to say anything. I was so confused though. So I texted them about the trip and they just said “yeah we are going” but never gave me any details about hotels, when they were leaving, etc. Until that very week! It wasn’t until fiancé texted them about it and asked why they didn’t respond back.
I couldn’t have called off work and I didn’t want to miss Mother’s Day with my mom, but if they had give me more time to plan I would’ve gone.
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Will i forever be excluded from sister in laws?

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