Work, Kids and Life

Oh man, I have thoughts about this! You guys are very smart to talk about this!
First….figuring out what the base level of acceptable cleanliness is. I’m serious - if one person wants the counters bleached daily, and the other is fine with a quick wipe down, that needs to be discussed and terms reached. If two people have different ideas of what “clean” means, one person is going to be frustrated that the job isn’t done wright, and one person is going to feel like they are getting chewed out for doing it wrong.
As far as who is responsible for what - that will change as your family dynamic changes. Even if you have the chores split exactly 50/50, someone is going to have a hard week and be overwhelmed, tired, work late. So being too rigid can lead to a lot of hurt feelings. For example, one person is responsible for laundry. They’ve been working extra hours, or maybe family came into town, or they have the flu. The other person pitching in can be an act of love, and it’s a good thing to be aware of that. Housework and childcare can be the source of a lot of marital strife. For example, when I was married before, my husband did the yard work. That was an afternoon every other weekend. I cooked dinner every night. Those chores were not really “equal” but they were both important. It caused tension, both of us feeling the other didn’t do as much. Talking those feelings out before resentment sets in will lead to greater intimacy when addressing the issue, rather than driving you apart. It’s so good you guys are talking about this now!

Oh my... There's noan easy answer for that. 😂

Well I hit reply too soon. Haha


I agree with PP that's it great that you're thinking about this stuff now.
But to answer the first part, kids will make your life harder forever and ever and ever (generally speaking). Source: I've got 4 kids - 21, 16, 4 and 1.
When they're little you worry about a million different things then you do when they're older but your role will always be as their parent, even once their grown.
Anyhow, as to the practical stuff, studies say that in household with children, women typically do more household work and caretaking of the children. I don't know if I entirely agree with the argument that its because we have built in maternal instincts; I have 2 brothers that I think are far better parents than their wives AND one of them does almost all of the cooking and shopping.
But I'm also totally about "cinnamon rolls, not gender roles." I don't think there's any logical reason that men/fathers can't do as much childrearing and taking care of the home as women do. (Exception: breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is the bane of my existence since my 1 year old will only nurse down to sleep still so I'm the only one who can get my kid down to bed at night.)
That said, for me personally, I've chosen to make compromises (that I acknowledge increase my share of the work). Because I'm thrifty, I'm the smarter shopper so I do the shopping and most of the cooking. I know the good grocery deals and what stuff to buy at Costco and when to expect certain things to go on sale. I also like a variety of good, fresh, relatively healthy food so I do most of the cooking and meal planning and I'm not sure if I hate anything more than figuring out what to eat each and every day forever and ever and ever.
My FH and I share daily parenting duties pretty much 50/50 with feeding, bathing and playing with the younger kids. But I'm the one who handles everything related to school, medical/dental, etc.
Doing more then my share of the work is a compromise that I'm willing to make right now because I know that roles and duties shift. But in regards to raising my children, both my older son and daughter know how to and are responsible for cleaning toilets, doing laundry, mowing the lawn and cooking a few things. My son is a much better cool them my daughter, but again... Cinnamon roles, not gender roles. My daughter has absolutely zero interest in cooking and it's perfectly content to eat a bowl of cereal and a can of soup everyday.
What ultimately works for you and your FH will be different and then it will change when you have your first child and then it will probably change again if you have more children. Being flexible, having realistic expectations and being able to compromise are what's important and I think are what makes relationships work.
Good luck to you both!