Writing thank you to unsupportive parents

I'm sorry, but I think you're being a little childish. Thank them for all the things they gave you and did for you and move on. Some people on here would die to have their parents pay for their beer, hair, the parents guests, give gifts, and THEN a check on top. I feel like you need some perspective...

Make it generic. "Thank you so much for your generous gift and for celebrating our wedding with us"

That's my go to for people I'm not super close to, like parents friends.

I think I'm missing something here... I'm failing to see how them paying for alcohol, hair and makeup, their guests, and giving you a huge check makes them horrible parents/ gives you negative emotions.

In trying to see your side of it/ be fair, I will say that my mom planned (not helped, but planned) and both my parents (they're married) paid for my sister and my brothers weddings. For mine, my mom has been totally MIA. So I understand feelings being hurt and being resentful. If that's what you're resentful of, I get it. But I don't think the things you listed are horrible.

That said, I think you need to decide if you bite the bullet and just write a nice note, or talk to them about everything, or what. If you want, just write something along the lines of "mom and dad, thank you so much for your contributions to our wedding. It was wonderful to celebrate with you and we value your contributions." However, it sounds like they feel the same - it was a horrible experience despite their generosity... Not really good advice, but perhaps some perspective and maybe you need to take a step back and see if you are all wrong, or what.

Honestly, other than the part where your dad completely changed your drink set up 5 minutes before the wedding, I don't really see what is wrong with the rest. I truly get how frustrating our parents can be, and we can often butt heads with them....buttttt, I'd personally be grateful if my mom offered to pay for me and my bridesmaids hair, no matter when she did it. Also, I don't see a problem with them inviting more people if they are paying for it and your venue can accommodate them. The part where your mom said you were a bad aunt, isn't that big a deal to me, because i'm used to my mom having no filter. We don't always agree and see things the same way. And the garter thing, sounds like there was some jealousy on your part. She doesn't have to do any of those things for you, and the stuff she did do i'd be grateful. Also, she gave you gifts on top of everything. I know what I am about to say is going to come off offensive, and I don't mean to be but I can't help it.....you're coming off a bit like a brat / bridezilla. Without having more context, it's possible you made your wedding miserable for them too. However, I am sure there is more to the story, and I shouldn't judge off of what little info you provided. My mom drives me crazy, but i've learned to take it with a grain of salt because I know that is just the way she is and she truly doesn't mean any harm by the annoying things she says and does. But, since I can only go off of the information you provided, I'd suggest writing a thank you note that sounds something like: "I know that things got hectic with all of the wedding planning craziness, but I wanted to say thank you for everything you did for me and (insert husbands name). We had an amazing wedding, and really appreciate your generous gifts. Love, (insert your name)."

It sounds like you don't have the ideal relationship with your parents anyway? If it were me, I'd say something like "Dear mom & dad, thank you so much for the sweet gifts on our wedding day and the amazing recipe box. It's something I will always cherish and I'm so happy to have. I hope you enjoyed the wedding day, I'm happy to have shared it with you." So it's simple and nice, but not excessive.

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My thoughts exactly when I read this. OP, my mom died the year of my wedding and then my dad told me I was no longer his daughter because he wasn't my biological dad. I had no family at my wedding. My DH and I paid for the wedding entirely on our own and would have loved for someone to step in and pay for the things you mentioned. Reading these posts daily for nearly two years, I'm beginning to realize there are probably more unsupportive parents than there are supportive parents.

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Thank you!

View Quoted Comment I find this disrespectful. These aren't people she isnt close to. It's her parents who contributed to the wedding and gave her a "very generous check". If my daughter wrote me a thank you note like that I'd have serious issues.

First of all, I'd be extremely thankful for my parents to financially help with our wedding (much less paying for things a bride's family doesn't typically pay for and giving you money as a gift too) no matter how rocky the relationship. My mom has experience making/decorating cakes, but I didn't expect her to do mine (in line with you saying your mom sews). Be the bigger person. Thank them for being so gracious (even if it was last minute) because a lot of brides don't get that chance. Mention the recipe box and how you'll put it to good use or can't wait to try X recipe. Mention the "generous money" they gave you and what you used it on or what you plan to use it on (ex: honeymoon, updating your appliances, etc). You can be friendly even though you're mad at them. At the end of the day, just let it go. What's done was done. Don't let yourself be bitter about it any longer because that's just hurting you.

View Quoted Comment I understand that and agree with you in a sense because I would never write something like that for my parents, because we are extremely close and have a good relationship. However, I cannot judge her relationship with them just off this one post. You also had already posted things that I thought of also, and others have now commented on that portion as well. So there is no need for me to reiterate that to her. This thank you note is not going to be the thing that changes her relationship with her parents, especially her mother. Thatis going to take more than that. She said she doesn't want to write something heartfelt, so I'm not going to suggest something heartfelt.

View Quoted Comment I agree with LB! What you’re complaining about, others would LOVE to have. I recommend you thank them, because they didn’t have to do zip for you! You sound like my FBIL. He only complains about me and never thanks me for all I do for his children (i.e. buy them coats in the winter, take them to animal conservation parks, have them listed on my conservatory/botanical garden membership).

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I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of your family. That makes me sad..

Honestly, we had the money to pay for everything and feel that our $1000 in drink tickets didn't get used because of their "offer at the last minute".. We feel it was more or less a show because they (my parents) realized they didn't have anything they could take credit for... My my in-laws, came over and helped me with invites, ironed all 36 tablecloths, sanded and varnished our wood slabs for centerpieces, bought all of the snack food for the end of the evening etc,

Everyone in the bridal party had said our wedding was the most organized and beautiful wedding that they had ever been apart of! While cleaning up from the night my aunt said... 'told you so, your parents always show up and want to be involved the day of'...

My parents only paid for their guests because they refused to trim down their list. When I gave my dad the cost per person, he questioned why we would have cake in the budget.

In talking with other women in life, I realize I'm not alone. You are right, there are a lot of unsupportive parents out there. Paying for things the "day of" doesn't justify the tears I cried throughout the year of our engagement and hurtful and belittling things that she has said throughout my life.

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Thank you for being open minded. My mom and I have never had a good relationship - I'm just trying to find some verbiage, because I'm at a loss of words. I know writing a thank you is the right thing to do...

View Quoted Comment You're welcome. To be honest, a lot of this stuff doesn't sound super bad to me, so I understand where everyone is coming from but maybe because I hope for the best in people, I figured this couldn't be all of the issues between you all for you to feel the way you do. I hope things get better, and you all can come to an understanding.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. Unlike PP I do understand where you are coming from. It sounds like your parents were uninterested until the day of and then decided to just throw money you didn't need at you to make themselves look good. The guest list thing is annoying and not just because of the extra money - it's fair to not want strangers at your wedding. So I understand where you are coming from and I think your feelings are valid. I think the suggestion to write a generic thank you is a good one. If your mom is wildly offended (which I think would be unwarranted) then maybe it'll open some doors to talk about how hurt you felt. I would give things some time and hold off on the note for a few weeks if you can and see how you feel once things have calmed down. When you're ready I think you should talk to them about how you feel and see if they are open to working on bettering your relationship.

View Quoted Comment Very well said. I was going to say something similar.
The things in this post can be taken out of context - someone offering to pay for things doesn’t make up for not showing genuine interest and happiness.

I would thank them sincerely for their help and then maybe later on you can discuss your feelings with them.

I hope the rest of your wedding day was great and this didn’t over shadow it!

*i will just add that I have VERY supportive parents and I realize I’m truly lucky. I can’t relate to not having emotionally supportive parents but I do sympathize!
However you feel you are justified!