"You don't have a say if you aren't paying"?

Thankfully, both of our families have wanted our weddings to be all about us! My parents are paying for almost all of the wedding, and my FIL's are paying for the things the groom's family traditionally pays for (rehearsal dinner, groom's cake, bride's flowers, boutonnieres, etc). FH & I have hardly paid for anything because our parents have wanted to provide the wedding costs for us. They haven't dictated anything we've done (except staying within their budget range) because they want the day to be all about us! They've loved all the decision we've had and know it's going to come out beautifully, but our wedding isn't my mom or FMIL's style (my wedding has a ton of glitter, bling, etc. and that's not either of their styles).

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Marriage is traditionally a business relationship between families. The idea of romantic love as the reason behind a wedding is a relatively modern (and western) idea.

Every wedding & family is different. For us, my father paid for 80% of the wedding and my mother and stepfather paid for the other 20%. My husband's father and stepmother paid for the rehearsal dinner, and his mother didn't pay for anything (not an option for her). I planned everything with my husband 100%. I did take people's opinion into account if they had one, but it was our wedding so I was going to plan it (and if they didn't like that we would pay for it ourselves). But our parents were all super easy going and supportive so they were just excited in general.

I couldn't imagine accepting thousands of dollars from someone else to pay for what is essentially a glorified party and expect to not have to give any consideration to their ideas, thoughts, and feelings on how that money should be spent. That just seems incredibly selfish to me.

"You don't pay, you don't get a say" is about telling people, other than the bride and groom, "no" when forcing ideas or guests upon the couple when not contributing to the cost.

The couple about to be wed should always have final say. However if others are helping to pay it is the gracious thing to do to compromise in small areas. Maybe let them invite a few people or let their opinion carry more weight.

To me a wedding is only about the bride and groom solely if they are the only ones in attendance. IMO, it's a matter of respect to have your parents/loved ones have a say in certain things.

When people say "IT'S YOUR DAY DO WHAT YOU WANT" they sound like immature children to me.

I TOTALLY agree with you. My mom paid for my sister's complete wedding and even almost 10 years later, she is still talking about the things she didn't like but couldn't say anything because my mom would get upset. Me and my fh are paying for everything but my mom is so excited that she is insisting she helps in some way. I had to have a sit down with her and tell her I would love her help and input but if she is going to tell me what to do instead of help or suggest, then I don't want her help or money. I told her that she already had her wedding and now it's my turn and I want what I want and so far she has respected my wishes. The things she is paying for is ran past me before she buys anything and that's all I ask. If we don't agree on something,we come to a compromise that makes us both happy or I just completely change it. So I don't agree with 'if I'm not paying I have no say'. It's me and my fh wedding , if we don't like something then we just don't like it.

I agree! However, I do think you need to listen to their opinions and make some concessions if they are helping financially. I think we could have parred down some of the family friends but with parents helping financially i'm not going to push it.

The couple absolutely has the final say, but on small things that aren't a big deal why argue with someone about it. If it's very important to them and you couldn't care less, just give them there way... That's my thoughts haha

My parents are gifting us the entire wedding and expenses that come with it with the exception of the grooms, father of groom and best mans attire.

I have had to check my mother multiple times along the way, especially with the guest list and we owe nobody an obligatory invitation. My father has been great saying, it’ your wedding, do what you both want and what makes you happy.

The only thing they are doing is assisting us in dinner food selections, which we four all agree on, although we still have to review the cocktail hour food next week which will include FH, my parents and me - his parents don’t have a say in these decisions.

Of course that's the way it SHOULD work - but money rarely comes without strings. For example, both sets of parents gave us $$ but you can bet that if we wanted to do something rude like have a huge gap, or a cash bar because we spent money on other less important things we would have had a huge problem. I think it's perfectly fine for the people paying for the event to have a say in how it's run. They shouldn't' get a say over things like: your bridal party, your colors, your ceremony, the food, anyone's attire, etc. But they should definitely get a say in the overall vibe of the day and have a right to say no if they think you're using their money inefficiently.

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I agree with you 100%

I think people should be honest and communicate. If a couple cannot live with the demands a parents puts on money, they should decline the money. If the do accept, they should find acceptable compromises. No one has the right to demand money from their parents

I agree quite a bit. Sure, they can give their input, and offer suggestions. But if you truly want to gift me and FH, then it shouldn't come with strings attached. If you offer to pay for the venue and give your budget, I prefer FH and I to source out the venue ourselves. Why must it be where the "gifter" wants it to be? That's not fair nor is it right. It's like giving buying someone a car and saying "you can only drive it where I tell you." Literally makes no sense. Doesn't feel as special ... doesn't feel much like a gift anymore. This is why I'm seeing a lot of couples opting out of receiving help, because they believe the gifter will make the wedding about them. I mean it's not right. We know it's not. And ideally, people would gift us and allow us to do what we wish. But suggestions are always welcome.

THIS IS PERFECT!!!!!!!!!

yes parents may give money toward things, but that is them being generous and happy etc etc, yes they will have some say and I think be more involved but NO the final say should always be from the bride and groom! and they certainly can not just do whatever they wish.. at the end of the day... it is not about them, im sorry

My parents gave us the money for our venue deposit as a gift- no strings attached. They gave us a gift and trusted our judgment.

My FFIL is paying for our rehearsal dinner and his only request was that we take the restaurant for a "spin" before making plans.