Do I Have to Attend a Wedding If I Don’t Support the Marriage?

You got the invite. You’ve picked out an outfit. You’ve even browsed the registry. But something just isn’t right about your friend’s upcoming wedding: You can’t stand the spouse-to-be. And it’s holding you back from sending the all-important RSVP! So—what’s your next move? Skip the wedding in protest, or begrudgingly go and grind your teeth the entire time in “support” of your friend?

Feeling uneasy about an upcoming wedding you’re invited to? Here are some tips to help you make the call.

Gauge the Friendship

If one-half of the couple is someone you’re really close to, you probably have to suck it up and go to the wedding even if you’re not big on the spouse-to-be. If you’re just casually friends with the person who invited you and you don’t care for who they’re marrying, you have more leverage. Especially if you don’t see the aforementioned casual friend very often. At the same time, if you’re that casual of friends, you probably wouldn’t have too extreme of an opinion of their spouse-to-be, so chances are, you’re not getting out of this that easy. Keep reading!

Don’t Make it Personal

Something you really shouldn’t forget right now? You’re not the one getting married to the person you don’t like! Even if your close friend is, and you really don’t love the two of them together, for the most part, their wedding and marriage won’t have a major effect on your life! It will be huge for them—they’ll be entering a new milestone in their relationship—but for you, relating to them won’t feel too much different than it did when they were just dating (seriously). So try to keep your cool (and your distance from the half of the couple you’re not big on), and don’t overthink this wedding. You might be surprised by how much you can tolerate someone when you simply start not taking their existence so personally.

Do Some Soul Searching

Why aren’t you behind this marriage? What’s upsetting you? What’s keeping you up at night? Is it that your friend’s partner is kind of a jerk? Is it that you’re worried you’re losing your friend? Are you a little jealous because maybe you wish it was your turn? Or is it something more serious (if yes, skip to number 4 ASAP!)? If your frustrations are less about the strength of the impending marriage itself and more about your feelings about the marriage, you should try to come to terms with that and go to the wedding with an open heart. Worrying about and dwelling on narratives that you’re creating in your head (your friend will never want to hang out again once they’re married, or going to this wedding will just confirm you’ll never have one of your own) is unfair to both you and your friends who are embarking on this amazing experience together. Put some effort into finding out what’s really making you reticent to celebrate this couple, and if it’s a projection of your own anxieties or insecurities, practice self-care and meditation leading up to the big day so you’re setting yourself up for a happy, low-stress time.

Have The Tough Conversation

If it’s deeper than “I just don’t like [insert friend’s future spouse here]” and there’s something more serious going on, don’t hesitate to have a sit-down chat and speak your peace to your good friend. Maybe you’re concerned that their partner isn’t safe for them, or being loyal to them—that’s heavy stuff, but if your gut is telling you (or worse, you have evidence), it’s important to at least get this off your chest in a calm, gentle, nonjudgmental way with your friend before the wedding goes underway. Will he or she call up her partner and cancel the big day right then and there? Probably not, but at least you’ll know you did your part, and literally, that is all you can do. After that, you need to wash your hands of it—it’s not your life! This conversation can be tough, especially since your friend will be extra-emotional from the stress of wedding-planning, but if you really are concerned about their wellbeing, you can’t put it off.

Just Suck it Up

You’ve soul-searched, you’ve shared your concerns with your friend about their spouse-to-be, you’ve obsessed over the fact that this wedding really shouldn’t be happening. And yet, it’s happening! And it’s not some random friend, so you can’t just skip it. This leaves one option, dear reader: Put on a smile and go to that wedding ready to fete the happy couple. Because there is no way you can march into that reception with a resting b*tch face and talk smack the entire time—that’s just not what weddings are for, and it would be a really bad friend move. You simply have to leave your judgments and preconceived notions at the door, have a glass of champagne as soon as possible (if that’s your thing) and play along—that means being happy for your friend and his or her partner, because, once again—this is not your wedding. And it’s only one day. Suck it up, smile, champagne—and take solace in the fact that there’s a really good chance the situation is not as dire as you think. Oh, one more thing: don’t even think about pulling an “I object!” during the ceremony. No one does that!